In With the Positive, Out With the Negative

Image Courtesy of [graur razvan ionut ]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Routines are great.  That is one of the things that FlyLady encourages people to have;  however, chronic fatigue and illness often seems to to be the antithesis to daily rituals. When you want to forge on ahead, life seems to be an endless cycle of malaise, rest, and pushing ourselves harder than you should.  Chronic fatigue and pain from Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and autoimmune illnesses slow you down.

One of my husband's favorite sayings is "Don't over-do."  He has seen what happens to me when I try to do too much.  The fact of the matter is I am unable to keep up the schedule I did in the past.  It took me too many years to admit that, partly because I did not understand how to work within the parameters of my illness.  It took me becoming a bedridden invalid for almost a year, before I figured out how to get stronger and pace myself better.  It also took that drop to the bottom to stop letting guilt of what I thought I should be doing go.

Not everyone reading this is at the same level of pain and fatigue.  Thirty years ago, I pushed through much of my pain and fatigue.  However, more stress and additional illnesses have taken me beyond the point that I can push myself and lead the life I did when I was younger.  FlyLady's BabySteps work for many people;  however, I admit to not being able to keep up.  I've had to learn to be flexible and work around my illness.

 It is helpful to develop your own routine:  in fact, you probably already have one.  However, I have found routines can be improved with small steps.  Decide what things work for you.  I have suggested ways to do this in previous articles.  Also, I  make suggestions on my Facebook Page, Chronic Illness and Creative Decluttering several times a week.  When I learn a new way to manage my day, I share it.  Hopefully, you will make comments, as well as sharing your ideas.  We can learn from one another.

Remember, there are not many things we use in life that are one size fits all.  I think this applies to our routines and chores as well, especially when dealing with a disability or an illness.

Finally, it takes time to make changes in your life.  Slow and sure makes a difference, even when you have a flare-up or relapse.  Habits don't change overnight, nor does clutter simply disappear.  Give yourself some positive self-talk, and throw out the negative.  It's time to find out what kind of routine works for you. 

God bless you.

Gentle Hugs,

Deborah

(Updated) Digressing from Needing a Vacation: Hot Topic

Update:  Every once in a while, I catch myself in such a badly written post, I have to do some editing.  While I would not pronounce this perfect, it is more readable.

This blog is supposed to be about needing a vacation, but it digressed into something else, which I think needs to be said.  And hopefully, it will help you understand someone in your life that suffers from Chronic Illness.

Warning Before Reading This Blog Post

The hot topic of suicide is mentioned in this blog post.  I do not approve of suicide, nor am I being judgmental toward anyone who has ever had the thought or tried the act of suicide.  These are my personal thoughts, and I am in no way responsible for anything you or a loved one might do.  I have never, nor do I ever want to do such  a thing.  But the word is in here more than once, and I  want you to know; just in case it is a word that will set off anxiety or anything else in your life.

What I Need Is ... a vacation

Right now, I absolutely need a blog vacation:

I have already slightly indulged in it without the guilt!

A willingness on my part to only write 

only that which can be written quickly without angst
is my mantra for the summer.

Please indulge me, as the summer progresses,

And forgive me if I'm not often here

With an encouraging word. 

Wish I was there right now, but I'm here at home.
This picture was taken at Amelia Island, a few years ago.

I need it to get me back on track if that is possible.

 I really don't know for sure I can gain ground physically,

Because I lost a lot this past winter.

 But, I am going to try to not worry about it.

Instead, I am continuing to do a little more gradually,

which is quite exhausting.

  

Well  perhaps, you don't know how this fatigue thing works, 
and I'm not speaking of the kind of fatigue fairly healthy people have.

Moreover, I forgive you if you cannot even imagine what it feels like 

to have a plethora of symptoms that mount and wane, but it feels
kind of like having influenza all the time and you can never 
quite get over the aches and low, draggy feeling.
And that is only part of the symptoms
 FM - CFS patients deal with.

I would never want anyone to suffer

 through these stupid, hard to explain symptoms 

We Fibromites and ME/CFS people have.
It is by God's Grace and Mercy, I am not totally  mentally disabled 
by the frustration of it all.  I had been in pain for 30 years or
more before I  ever knew I had syndromes.

If it were not for God, I admit that I would probably 

give it up -- everything.

Please don't worry, 

I am not depressed or about to

do anything like suicide.

I know what that is like for family.  

And even though I think the Lord probably forgives those Christians,

Who have momentarily lost their minds and do themselves in. 

I do not think it is right, or fair, or what He would choose for me,

Or anyone for that matter.  It makes me sad to think of it.

But sometimes, I do get very tired of trying

To be healthier,

To keep a strong heart and mind,

Which I know is a gift from God.

I cannot do any of this alone, 

And for those of you who say, 

"God is a crutch!";

I say that He is always Who I have needed, even when I was healthy.

So if you think you don't need Him,

You better think real hard about Eternity.
I am being honest and politically incorrect here, because I care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sorry this is such a long post, 
but the next part has relevance in getting to my main points.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor.

The whole morning started badly, brought on by poor sleep,

and having to get up when my body only wanted to rest.

I couldn't find my keys, because I had put them in my Bible Carrier.

They were not in my purse, because I have not driven for

?????????????

many weeks.  I don't remember the last time I drove. 

I know it has been more than a month.

Anxiety ridden, I got to my appointment.

(I called first -- the receptionist was kind and gave me a later time.)

By the way, for all my dear friends who would quote

Philippian 4:6-7 to me.  

I have known this verse by heart, since I was twenty,  

And it has carried me through many a moment.
I know He guards my heart and my mind.
The Holy Spirit has spoken to me when my heart was broken.
Not in an audible voice, so anyone could hear it, but He has spoken
to me when I least expected it and I am thankful.

The uninitiated often do not understand that
there is an anxiety caused by the broken brain and nerves, 

That will not be squelched.  

I have learned to deal with it.  I know how to visualize, 

contract and relax muscles,

breathe slowly, hold my breath, and breathe again.

My amygdala has been rested,  retrained, and upset again.

I have a flight and fight response that is all ready to go;

but I cannot jog or run anymore to help reset it.

I cannot dance like I used to.

My physical body is broken and battered by illness;  even though,

I worked hard to not be caught by a body that kept me
 from living an active physical life in my more mature years. 

Unfortunately, it caught me earlier than I could have possibly expected.
But, I had fought it, because I knew it was in my genes.

However, I did not expect it, because I exercised and ate very healthily;

also, I  kept my weight down.  

But sometimes,
People get sick anyway.  Oh darn!

That's not fair!

Back to the eye appointment...

My eye appointment was like no other I have ever had:  I was up and down, 

In a chair and out of a chair,

down the narrow hall and back to the same room,  several times.

I never knew so many machines for checking your eyes existed.

And they want me to come back in six months -- really?? 

Maybe, I should call and ask if I have to do all those machines again.

It was way too much
 for a ME/CFS - Fibromyalgia patient to go through 

without someone to drive him or her.

What I Wanted to Do after the Eye Appointment

I had planned the things I wanted to do when I was out by myself in the car.

Ha!  Didn't happen.  After that appointment, 
I didn't look at flowers to plant or go any place, 
Except 

The three most necessary .

I got a grilled chicken sandwich, real lemonade (needed a treat).

Thank you Chick-fil-A.

 I have to put a plug in for them, because they helped pay 

For our eldest daughter's education through their 

Winshape scholarship program, which believe me she earned.
But, it was also God's gift to her. 

Sometimes, I have to do a little wave my wings, mommy fluttering.

 With a grateful heart, I went to the new Chick-fil-A restaurant;

and I experienced their typical good cheer and kindness, 
which is comforting.

Then, I went to my pharmacy to pick up my prescription,
 but ended up with more frustration -- due to my own mistaken idea my doctor's office had called in my colonoscopy prep.

At least, I got the pills I had run out of.  My thyroid will appreciate it.

And then I went home, driving while upset -- never a good idea.

I had not been so anxiety-filled in a long time.

That was when I had the "driving off the road thought."

Remember, I told you I am not suicidal,
 but there is an Enemy out there, 

who would like us to be thinking and doing wrong things.
Should you not believe in the supernatural,
 I'm sorry, because it is there.  
God is real and so is the Enemy and His cohorts. 
 I really don't like saying the name.  Read C.S. Lewis and the Bible,
then you will know what I am talking about.  
I would much rather talk about God.

Anyway, as I drove home,
 This was a simple run-down of my thoughts.

I am so sick of feeling like this -- it never ends. 
 I can't do  anything.  I could run into one of those trees.

Oh, it probably wouldn't kill me.  I would just hurt worse
and, God would not like it.  
I had a picture of the air bag inflating, as well as 
being laid up in a hospital in pain.

How am I going to heaven, and say I did it to myself to Jesus?
Nope.  I'm not going to run off the road.  
It would not be fair to my family.
That was the gist of my thoughts.

Since I am the very near relative of two someones who committed suicide, 

I want to tell you that it is a horrible thing to do to your family.

Second of all, I want to tell you that 

your child should never see you  threaten to commit suicide.
Even if you don't ever do it,

She/he will not forget:  it will always be there in his or her mind, 

just waiting to be jolted back into present memory.
I know that memory can come back years later in living color,
because I have experienced it.

A word to you who have had 

the suicidal thought go through your mind...

It is not unforgivable to have the thought, 

nor is it unforgivable to have voiced it, 

or to have started to go through the act.
But I think

you need to ask God's forgiveness, 
your family's forgiveness, 

and most of all 

you need to forgive yourself.

Moreover,  it does no good to dwell in the past.

The past is the past.  
Done.  Gone.  Move on.

Trying to brush it under the rug and hope everyone will forget

did not work for the family I grew up in.  

I knew and I don't know how I knew,

that you never talk about 

Family Business.  

Well, it is not just business.

It is life.  And I have a theory that all families 

are at least slightly Dysfunctional,

Because I thought, we were a very normal and good family,  

 well, most of the time I thought that.

And we were, but...
is there really any family that is perfectly functional?

So to move on, it has to be dealt with in the family. 
If that is not possible for whatever reason;

with God's help you have to do it yourself.

I advise moving on whether or not other family members are able to; because it is unhealthy to be living in the debris of their emotions everyday.  

I am not talking about withdrawing one's love, but you cannot live someone else's life.  You cannot force someone else to change.  
That is what I mean by moving on.
That is why it is so good to have a counselor to talk to,
 because it can help you to get through things that are devastating to you mentally and emotionally.

All of this, and

it was just a simple trip to the eye doctor, right?

Now, I will share my sweet husband's
 understanding and kind reactions to all of this.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

He did come home from work to check on me. 

And after I had a nap, 

He took me to get the makeup I had meant to buy that day.

On a second trip that evening, he took me to McDonald's 
for a hot fudge sundae.

He left a TV baseball game to do that.

Wasn't that sweet?

How To Keep Going When Your World Turns Upside Down

Have you ever noticed that children know exactly
what to do when they are worn out?  Our grandson
came into go potty;  and then, he sacked out in the
bed, wet bathing suit and all.  I love this picture.

Do you ever have a week or two that seems to turn your safe little world around?  Your routine is upside down and your body is gasping for energy.  Your brain is working, but it has slowed down to a 20 minute lag.  Everything seems to be painfully slow, and you know you need to take life at an easier pace.

Even now after years of illness, I get these guilty,  nagging, little feelings when I don't do everything I consider to be my work, my calling, my responsibility.  Does this happen to you, and what do you do about it?  Are you backed into an "I have to do it corner", whether it is detrimental to your health or not?  I have been there, and I ended up getting more ill, because I have never liked giving in to my illness.  At least, that is how I saw it.  I had to be stronger than that.  If my body was not going to cooperate, then I would trust in will over matter.  

I am not saying that I stopped praying.  I still trusted in God, but I also thought I had to push through to be well and to please Him.  However, at that point, I chalked most of my problems up to my liver, depression, fibromyalgia, and gaining weight.  I did not realize that my thyroid was compromised and I had multiple things going on in my body that added up to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Actually, now when I look back at the onset of my illness, probably most of my problems were Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, including the depression.  It took total collapse to finally find out what was wrong with me.

Some people think they are weak because they cannot get well or work through these diseases/syndromes.  I would like to suggest most people are stronger than they realize.

The First Christmas Supper 2012

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Tonight is the night of the first Christmas Supper of 2012 for me.  I don't go out much anymore, so I look forward to it, but I also feel a bit of anxiety.  When my husband came home for lunch, I asked him teasingly, "Should I go for beautiful or sick tonight."  Those of you who have Fibromyalgia or/and CFIDS probably know what I was feeling when I said that.  I was thinking about those people who know church services I have missed, etc., and when they see me, I don't look sick.  And I have to say that I don't really want to look sick.  I just get frustrated when I know there are people that probably don't believe it.  I admit -- I am still afraid of being judged.  By the way, I still vote for looking the best I can look.

As much as I know about my illness, there are times I get so frustrated with myself -- I still have moments I have to let putting out energy remind me that life in the Chronic Fatigue Immune Defiency Syndrome realm is never going to be normal, unless a miracle occurs.  I wish someone would tell me why I still feel guilty about something I can't help.  I don't carry that guilt around every moment, but it hits sometimes.

There are things I could probably do if I could afford to have people to do some of the things I have to do at home.  However, I have to make a choice;  and the basic things of life need to be done.  My husband is getting older too.  When I can cook supper, wash clothes, or clean the areas in the house that need to be cleaned, I am helping him.  That is the way I can support his ministry in our church, which still makes it our ministry because I am his helpmate.  I want to sing in the choir, go to every service, play piano, sing solos and do all the things I used to do.  Sometimes, I am so sad I cannot do this, but someday I will be praising my God in Heaven with more energy than I ever had.  I will be able to dance on my toes for Him and leap in the air, and sing too.  So I praise God with all my heart that He just put this picture in my mind to share.

For all you out there that have any chronic illness:  Merry Christmas!  We do not need to fear or grieve, but praise God that in the name of Jesus, we will one day be whole.

P.S.  I won't be writing as much during the Christmas Season, but I always try to remember to post it.  I will also check into a place for you to subscribe.
Love,
Deborah

Finding the right support group has been a great encouragement for me.  I live in a small town, so there are not any support groups that fit my needs;  however, I have found sisters in the spirit with similar problems that understand what I am going through on Facebook, Spark People, and a couple of other forums on the internet.  When I first became ill, it was difficult to find anything that gave me any answers or support; and actually, answers are not always certain in some illnesses.  But just knowing someone else understands helps me to feel that I am not alone.  I have left a couple of forums in my search for the right fit.  Sometimes, it was because I was too ill to  participate.  I left one group, because the posts were becoming more and more negative and I didn't like the jokes.  

Support groups can be both informative and encouraging.   I belonged to a group on a forum, which gave personal antidotes about what it was like to have hip replacement surgery, as well as answering questions the newbies asked.  It was belonging to that group that helped me make an informed decision.  I also did research on my own and talked to my orthopedic surgeon;  but it was communicating with the group members that helped remove my fear of having the surgery.  Having a joint and hip replacement is probably one of the best things I could have done for my health at this point  in my life, for I was extremely sedentary because of the pain.   While the hip heals and because I deal with other health issues, I have taken very small steps in adding activity.  I feel better because I'm moving more, but I try not to push myself;  because, I know that I will run out of fuel for several days if I do too much.

Do I have to tell people my real name?

I can be authentic without sharing
 all information about myself on the internet.

There are forums where you can use a pseudonym, as well as social media where you can use your real name.  When you are in an online support group, which is open to the public, you don't have to share anymore than you are comfortable sharing, certainly not your real name if you are talking about personal matters.  

I hope you have found this information to be helpful.  If you are a regular internet user, then you are probably well aware of what a great tool it can be;  however, it is on-the-job training for new users.  One more thing, do not let the internet totally take over your life.  Yes, we can make friends on the social media and reconnect with old ones;  but there is more to life than spending all day on the computer. If I have a day or two away from the computer,  I actually feel like I am doing something good for myself.  I lived a very full life before I had a computer, and I don't want to feel it has taken over my life.                                                         

Questioning Why I Have a Difficult Time Doing Activities I Desire to Do

For the most part, I have developed an upbeat outlook on my life;  but, every once in while, I go through the questioning process again--because there is so much I want to do.  And--of course--I would like my life to be like it was when I was healthy.  Thank goodness there is support in the cyber world for those of us that have CFS/ME.  When I start questioning myself about why I don't get out of the house more or why I do not accomplish more around my home,  I read what other people say and I know I am not crazy, lazy, or alone.  I have an illness that I don't want, nor did I ask for it.

Today's article is a departure from my series on using FlyLady's techniques to help me simplify and boost my habits.  I found myself questioning again--feeling guilty for staying home when there are church services on Sunday to go to, funerals to attend, children to visit, boxes to pack for a move, and birthday presents to craft (that are late).  I miss my old life;  but when I try to return to it, I am broken down for months--too fatigued to bathe, pick up, do laundry, or cook.  I find it difficult to do the basic things most people take for granted;  because once I put out the energy, it is gone for days, weeks, or months.  Therefore, I am getting very good at conserving my energy for the things I must do.  I have learned to pace myself;  even though sometimes, I still get a bit confused over what I should do.

Today, I read something that helped me to put my life, as it is now, back into perspective.  I would like to share one of the comments left at the end of Adrienne Dellwo's article Understanding Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: A Simple Explanation--This Goes WAY Beyond Tired!.

 Every chore is like doing a marathon
I've had CFS/ME since 2003 and usually explain the symptoms to friends and family as a "never-ending flu". However, after doing stress exercise testing at the Pacific Fatigue Lab in Stockton California I have discovered a new way to explain it. The testing shows that Post-exertional malaise is so bad that the day after the maximum exercise test day #1 it looks like I had run a marathon, not exercised for 15 minutes. It shows that I don't even produce enough energy per day that is required (on average) to take a shower. That seems to be a good way for others to relate the CFS symptoms to their own lives.

—Guest missjanny 

I invite you to make this a conversation.  I have found it very helpful to read what others have to say.  Let's support one another.

Motivation -- What is that?

Motivation?  For some of us, who have chronic illnesses, motivation is something we had in the past.  I am not saying that we don't want to get things done.  We just can't get started.  Maybe, some of you are saying, "I have no problem with motivation.  I just don't feel good."  If you are very, very ill it is possible that's where you are,  and you can't do any of the things that need doing.  I hope you get better, and I hope you have someone to help.  Hang in there, and don't feel guilty.  If you are like me, you probably are frustrated, because you hate having someone else do your work.  Try thinking of the situation this way.  Other people are blessed by blessing you.  This is a time to be gracious and accept the help.

OH MY!  I did not plan the above paragraph.  But maybe, there is someone out there that needs it.  I know I had a struggle within when I could not do the things I do now.  BUT now, I can get some things done.  However, I got used to being sedentary; and, I think my lack of motivation is partly due to several things that I will list:

• I developed the habit of sitting all the time.
• I got tired easier than I used to.
• I felt overwhelmed.
• I didn't know where to start.
• I was addicted to playing games on the computer, reading, watching TV

Do any of these ring a bell for you?  If you have some others I did not mention, please share them.  So now that I have identified some of the things that I feel blocked me, how did I start changing?  I have read self-help books, articles on the web, articles in magazines, and I have prayed.  I have started trying and stopped.  What changed?  Not much changed, at first.  For a long time, I was blocked and totally drained.  Nothing seemed to work.  But I never gave up hope.  Finally, I saw the only way I was going to change was if I nurtured the child within.  I think this was a God-thing.  I believe I saw this, because He showed me that when I was a child, I did not take on responsibility all at once.  When I was a baby I learned to sit up, to crawl, and to walk in small increments.  I had to exercise those muscles to do those things well.  When I was a child I learned to do groom myself, to pick up my toys, and to take on household chores gradually. And when I was a child, I never felt guilty about playing.  I fished, played dolls, climbed trees, played on the jungle gym, and swam.  I really had fun.

So guess what I did.  I got dressed, found my fishing pole, stepped out the back door, and began fishing.  Yeah. While I was fishing, I would enjoy the scenery and I would pray.  That same day,  I would take 5 minutes to put in a load of laundry or take 5 minutes to work on the pile on the table.  So why am I trying out FlyLady's suggestions?  I need continued motivation, and I think this process is going to help me rebuild my cleaning muscles.  I am being careful to pace myself, which is easy to do with the FlyLady system.  I have to tweek it to fit my needs. 

For instance, I am only on Day 9 of  FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  If I was following them consecutively, I would be well past Day 9.  However, that does not mean I have stopped the steps I already learned.  I am trying to do them everyday.  In fact, I worked on my Control Journal today.  I don't know if I will like using it, but I am committed to building some healthy routines.  I say healthy, because I do not think it is healthy for me to sit in a chair all day.  I am committed to working on my baby steps, resting when I need to, and enjoying this process.  And I am enjoying the process.  In fact, I look forward to setting my timer for 5, 7, 10, or 15 minutes and getting busy shining my sink, making my bed, or decluttering.  OK -- maybe, I am going to have to work more on the bed thing.  I don't know if I can honestly say I enjoy making it, but I LOVE looking at it when it is made.  It changes the look of my bedroom, and I feel so relaxed.

I am sorry for chasing rabbits, but I do want to be honest; so you can know you are not alone.  We can do this--one step at a time!

Stagnation versus Change



My Puppy and Bear  -  photo by D. Bolton

      When one has a chronic illness, change sometimes becomes the enemy.  Change means one has to move from the little niche that has kept one mentally and emotionally safe. However, even when one feels safe, stagnancy can creep in making one needy within,  I am not saying that one should feel guilty at being in a cocoon for a time.  Butterflies need cocoons.  Bears and other animals need safe places to hibernate in the winter.  And sometimes, a person needs to step back into his/her safe place and stay there for a while. However, eventually, one needs to move from Point A to Point B:  or, he/she becomes withered and diseased to the core of one’s soul.



Me and One Small Change
photo by courtsey of my 
sweet husband taken
for me.

How does a person, who is ill, do this?  I can testify to how I have done it, and how I am still doing it.  I have taken baby steps.  I have even thought back to my development as a child; and in a sense, I have allowed myself to become that child again. This may sound strange, but it is really very simple.  And believe me, SIMPLE, is just what I have needed to make my move.  Anything complicated has only served to frustrate me and has ended in failure, so simple baby steps have been something I welcomed.

First of all, I want you to know that I had not turned in my adult card.  I may have brain fog occasionally, and I may have brain glitches, forgetting a word or name here and there; however, my faculties are fine.  I still have a working computer in my head.  I make more lists than I used to, and I have been known to forget my lists.  I also do better if I place my purse in one of 2 places it usually ends up when I come home, and my keys really need to be in my purse.  You get the general idea, I am sure.

Secondly, I need you to know that my period of hibernation -- not convalescence, since that implies one has actually healed--had bred some bad habits.  Or perhaps, it was that I had a loss of good habits. I especially abhorred the loss of my good habits, which I identified so many years as being the me I knew.  I became someone I no longer recognized at times, and I hated that.  I had become stagnant and diseased in things that were not my illness, and I struggled to get out of the mire; but, it was too difficult to pull myself out.  And apparently, no one else could either, or could he/she?

That leaves me to the final thing for this long-winded blog.  There was one thing, one person, but I had to listen very carefully, because I had not been able to when I was in my deepest fogs.  The person that helped me the most in physical and emotional comfort was my kind and patient husband, who could not change me from within.  He could pray for me, as could family, friends, and counselors; however, none of them could change me. The one person that could take me out of this stagnation was God.  In my heart I knew that He would help me, although the road was longer than I liked.  I nearly lost my faith on the way:  I certainly had doubts.  The road was longer than I liked, but I had / have lessons to learn along the way.  This is the first baby-step in my road;  for without this one, no other step is possible.

And He has helped me.  I was already a Believer, but my faith was tattered and torn, and full of a few bullet holes--not literal bullet holes, but painful nevertheless.  I took my sparrow-sized faith to God through Jesus Christ my Savior, and asked Him to help me, to restore the joy of my salvation -- and He has--glorious God that He is.  He is teaching me as I go, retraining me gently, as any loving father would do for his wounded child.  How I love Him!  And how thankful I am that God has not given up on me  -- or you. 


 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find ; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives ; and he who seeks, finds ; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish ; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" ( Luke 11: 9-13, NASV)

P.S.  I am not saying by posting pictures of my puppy that one should get a dog.  That is just one of many changes, that came about among days, months, and years of others.  Nor am I saying change is easy.  It took change for me to become as ill as I was, only it overwhelmed me with illness' insidious entry into my life.  Life circumstances, medications, and becoming more sedentary (despite efforts to continue being active) loomed over me, until the proverbial straw broke; and I was a shut-in (in more ways than one).  It would take a book to answer the questions that I think readers have.  I will say more in future installments, hopefully not 9 months from now.  (wry smiley)

Is That Directed Towards Me?

"Behind the Veil of Pain'
Why do others think they can judge what is going
on in our bodies and minds, when they are not
our doctors or they choose not to understand our illnesses?

Have you ever felt a comment was directed towards you, by someone who doesn't understand your situation?  I experienced that today; and although I found it unsettling, I was not thrown into utter dejection, so I must be mastering the art of taking responsibility for my own care.  I have learned to pace myself and do only what I can do for that day.  If I don't I will pay and my family will too, because I'll have several days or more that I have no energy. I have learned that I have a new normal that I can live with.  I do not spend time berating myself over not getting things done that used to be easy for me.  I am not saying that I would not like to do more, but I have learned to be happy about the things I am able to do.  I cannot help what someone else thinks--in fact, I could be wrong--perhaps that comment was not directed towards me.  I am the one who lives within my body, and I know what I have done during a day;  therefore, I have to pace myself according to my own needs--not try to meet what I think is someone else's expectations.

Five Minutes at a Time

Hmm....I remember saying something about transparency in my last post, so I guess I have to own up to the truth.  Because without Truth, this blog will not help anyone else, nor will it be of any value in helping me walk my life's path.  This is a bit frightening, because I grew up knowing I must always present best face forward, even if something did not totally represent the real me.  Maybe, some of you know what I am talking about. 


 I will list a few of the maxims I lived with:

1. Do not wear underpants with a hole in them to school.  What if you have an accident?
2.  When guests came unexpectedly, we usually sat outside in lawn chairs.  Don't let anyone see your messy house.
3. I learned how to put my best face forward, even when my insides were coming apart.
Number 3 sounds a bit dramatic,  but I did see this modeled in my childhood to a degree; and it definitely made an impression on me.

So what does this have to do with five minutes at a time?  Today, I realized that I have something eating at me, and I have to face it.  Clutter is beginning to overtake my house again. Aaaaahgeeee --the clutter monster is invading my life.  And I know there is a way to take care of it:  the aha moment happened for me today.  Don't you love aha moments? 

A good friend of mine, who also has a chronic illness, told me how she began to get rid of her clutter when she had little strength, but lots of frustration over the piles here and there that were accumulating.  She began to move one thing at a time to the place it belonged, whether that be a drawer, a closet, a shelf, or the trash.  That began to build her confidence in knowing she could take control of her home again.

Several months ago, I realized I could begin to attack my clutter five minutes at a time after reading an article that Marla Cilley, the FlyLady wrote.  And it worked!  However, I have taken on a couple of new things this summer that began to make me feel overwhelmed and caused post exertional malaise; so I started letting the house go.  If you could see a picture of my house right now, it's a bit like Old McDonald's Farm, except my song is about clutter, not animals: Here a pile, there a pile, everywhere a pile, pile....  I have what  the FlyLady calls CHAOS, can't have anyone over syndrome.  Add that to Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome--it means I have newly coined syndrome -- glued to my chair syndrome.  I have been stuck to my lounge chair avoiding contact with The Mess.  I have been hiding from it, but it keeps bugging me.  Today, I remembered I can do anything 5 minutes at a time, and I can rest in-between.  That means I need to quit writing and get to working and resting.  If I try to clean this up all at once, I will have to deal with post exertional malaise and be back in the same boat of growing chaos.

I'll let you know how The Cleanup goes.  It won't be instant, and it will be an ongoing thing.  By the way, if you would like some encouragement in the area of cleaning house, check the link I am going to add.  And if you have a chronic illness, it is OK to work at your own pace.

  In fact, I have learned pacing myself is the key to feeling better.   Trying to be perfect only made me miserable.

Peace be unto you.  And God bless.  

 FlyLady's Homepage

A New Beginning

A new beginning...

Again,

Breezes of change blow, 

and I know it's my time

      To surpass the limits of this weakened body.

More than a body, easily spent,

A fogging brain losing focus...

I am still me.

My spirit growing,

Seeking

 God's present purpose for my life. 

Content with each small step,

I'm Happy

Walking closer in His will.

,                                                                            

by Deborah Lynne Bolton , copywrite 2012

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I wondered how I should start this blog, and I decided transparency is needed to truly help others.  How do I want to help?  I want to let you know that you are not alone.  If you have a chronic illness as I do, it has changed your life in some way, most likely in major ways.  This is not a blog to vent my frustration over being ill.  It is meant to uplift, to encourage you to find things that will  make your life better, and to act on these things.  I'm a Christian, so there will most likely be days I share a short devotion and scripture.  It will be interesting to see how my blog develops, because I want it to blossom into something beautiful.