A Saturday Meltdown

Unfinished Life, D. Bolton

A writer is usually not supposed to start a piece with I;  

however, one sometimes can only begin with I."

I

have 

more than

one chronic illness.

One of these is spondylitis.

Since I felt pretty good today, 

I thought I would take the dog outside

and get some sun.  I would say hello to my husband,

and I would even cut a few overgrown bean and tomato vines.

                                                            I managed to step in a hole hidden by the grass, and I

                                                            knew my knee would pay later;  however, in a few minutes,

                                                            I could feel my lower back breaking in half -- at least, that is what

                                                            it felt like -- excruciating pain!  In misery and tears, I climbed the 

                                                            stairs going into the house, hot rail burning my hand.  I had to hold 

                                                            it or I could not climb.  I was mad the rail was black and hot,

                                                            that my back hurt again.  Every step felt like agony.

Mini-meltdown time.

Tears and why me time.

Am I allowed to feel this is unfair, 

because there is so much more I want to do?

I get tired of sitting in my chair, old before my time.

It has been too long, and how can I expect others to understand

when it is so hard for me?  My body does not cooperate with my mind and spirit.

"I'm supposed to be active," I say.  But, the most active parts of me sometimes seem to be

My heart, my mind, my spirit, and my fingers typing away on this keyboard, flying and pecking away

through tingling, numbness, and swelling.  

Thank you God, for heart, mind, spirit, soul, fingers, eyes, and every part of me that works -- even those parts that don't work so well.  You have reminded me,  I can be free and new every day, with hope in my heart, because you, dear Father God, are here with me.  

So, tears aside, I have the best.  I have Joy!  Joy!  Joy!  

And I have hope, because I know I have what is most important in my life:

I have a Savior, Jesus:  I have love. 

Therefore, she quickly broke away from the self-pity, and  she remembered she had purpose still.  What good would it bring to imagine life differently?  This is the life she had.  It was a good one, despite all she had suffered.  If she had never experienced life's pains and victory, she would never have had the richness of finding herself.  

~Deborah Bolton~

                                          

Weekend - Monday Potpourri

So how are things going with you?  Well, I hope.  Are you pacing yourself and resting without guilt?  That is important, because the guilt negates the resting--it leaves the body in a chemically ready to go state, at least that is what I think.  When you rest, you need to turn the mind off from the I need to do this and this needs to happen state.  It's a matter of self-preservation.

I'm in semi-rest mode after a mega weekend.  Our sweet 17 year old kitty died, I sang a solo Sunday morning, made Christmas cookies, worked in the yard, and sang in our Christmas musical all in one weekend.  And we had a fellowship after church Sunday night.  That was absolutely Mega-Weekend for me.  And I am still feeling badly about our cat, but she was sick and it was her time to go.  I am so glad she didn't suffer a long time.  I had almost decided not to put up our big Christmas tree, but in honor of our sweet kitty, who loved to lie under the tree, it is going up tonight.  Last night, my husband and I rearranged the living room, which is not an easy job in our very oddly shaped room.

Please ignore the spastic looking hand.
A model, I am not.
What counts is we were having fun!

The other part of this potpourri of things going on is a revelation I had yesterday afternoon.  So many people tend to save their pretty clothes for "going out", including me.  But yesterday, I wore black leggings, which looked absolutely smashing with a long decorated sweatshirt;  however, I got hot because I was working.  So I put on makeup, pretty ear rings, and a "hot" tunic top.  When my husband got home, I surprised him--he wasn't expecting dressy looking Debby.  Moving furniture was so much fun last night:  I think I ended up more tired, because we were dancing to the Christmas music -- absolutely worth it.

How can I dance with a bum knee?  It is called I got a cortisone shot in my right knee last week and now it feels good.  Oh, why did I wait so long?  Two months of bad pain is over.

Lastly, here is an easy cookie recipe:  Press one 16.5 ounce chocolate chip cookie roll in a greased 9 X 13 pan.  Beat 3 eggs, 1 tsp. vanilla, and 9 oz. cream cheese together.  Pour over cookie dough.  Break another 16.5 oz. roll of cookie dough into small pieces and place on top of cream cheese mixture.  Bake at 350 degree f.  for 30 minutes.  After cooling, store in refrigerator.  Yummy.  And easy.

The First Christmas Supper 2012

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Tonight is the night of the first Christmas Supper of 2012 for me.  I don't go out much anymore, so I look forward to it, but I also feel a bit of anxiety.  When my husband came home for lunch, I asked him teasingly, "Should I go for beautiful or sick tonight."  Those of you who have Fibromyalgia or/and CFIDS probably know what I was feeling when I said that.  I was thinking about those people who know church services I have missed, etc., and when they see me, I don't look sick.  And I have to say that I don't really want to look sick.  I just get frustrated when I know there are people that probably don't believe it.  I admit -- I am still afraid of being judged.  By the way, I still vote for looking the best I can look.

As much as I know about my illness, there are times I get so frustrated with myself -- I still have moments I have to let putting out energy remind me that life in the Chronic Fatigue Immune Defiency Syndrome realm is never going to be normal, unless a miracle occurs.  I wish someone would tell me why I still feel guilty about something I can't help.  I don't carry that guilt around every moment, but it hits sometimes.

There are things I could probably do if I could afford to have people to do some of the things I have to do at home.  However, I have to make a choice;  and the basic things of life need to be done.  My husband is getting older too.  When I can cook supper, wash clothes, or clean the areas in the house that need to be cleaned, I am helping him.  That is the way I can support his ministry in our church, which still makes it our ministry because I am his helpmate.  I want to sing in the choir, go to every service, play piano, sing solos and do all the things I used to do.  Sometimes, I am so sad I cannot do this, but someday I will be praising my God in Heaven with more energy than I ever had.  I will be able to dance on my toes for Him and leap in the air, and sing too.  So I praise God with all my heart that He just put this picture in my mind to share.

For all you out there that have any chronic illness:  Merry Christmas!  We do not need to fear or grieve, but praise God that in the name of Jesus, we will one day be whole.

P.S.  I won't be writing as much during the Christmas Season, but I always try to remember to post it.  I will also check into a place for you to subscribe.
Love,
Deborah