Looking for Balance and Saying Bye to the Moody Blues

I chose this picture, because it reminded me of balance.
I have let my life get out of balance, and I am ready
to truly work on me.  I need to work on me.
It's alright to take the time to concentrate on yourself,
because caring for one's self when you have a
chronic  illness can be a full-time job.  
Sometimes, it takes a special effort to get back on track.
{ Image Courtesy of  [Ambro] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net }

Do you ever get so tired of doing something for yourself, you only do it half-heartedly or not at all?  I hope you are saying yes, because I don't want to be the only one sluffing off on my duty to care for myself.  Oh dear, I just realized how awful that sounds, because I don't want you to stop caring for yourself either.  Forgive me for the misery loves company bit:  if you are doing everything right, I am so pleased you are doing better than me in this area.

For the last few weeks, I have found my depression getting worse.  Usually, if I am patient and wait it out, I get back on the right track;  however, my lack of motivation has been affecting me in enough ways, that I know I am depressed.  This is common in chronic illnesses, and it is sometimes surprising that we fair as well as we do.  However, I think with proper medical counseling, as well as mental counseling at sometime, one can find a way through the emotions of loss and frustration.  I have done both during the years I have struggled with being ill; but this time, I have had to take responsibility and look at my situation, even though I wanted to ignore it.

The other strong support is spiritual support, which is something I have been avoiding the last few weeks, except for brief forays into reading my Bible and praying.  Of course, I also believe in praying without ceasing, but that is hard to do when you bring a cacophony of noise into your life through computer, television, and novels, and you ignore the truly important things.  Why I do that is something I do not understand, unless I am trying to hide from the things I really need to look at.

So, what is my revelation?  It is simple and I had not even considered it over the last month.  I had considered my lack of care for myself.  I had grown lazy about taking my meds and supplements.  I was non-compliant and tired of swallowing pills, so I constantly put off making this important in my life.  Therefore, this weekend I filled up my pill containers, and I am taking them at meal times.

However, today I had the big revelation.  I had quit taking my fish oil. For some reason, I had read something online saying it did not really do anything;  and, I found that a wonderful excuse to stop swallowing that capsule.   However, I have found many more articles that support taking fish oil for depression.  And, I know I was doing better before I stopped.  So today, I am starting with 2 capsules containing 2400 mg. twice a day.  I will let you know if I feel any improvement in a few weeks.  I will be your guinea pig.  If I forget to let you know the results, remind me.

When living with chronic illness, it is extremely important to care for yourself.  How can you do the things you want to do for your loved ones and take care of your home, as well as other things you desire to do, when you do not care for yourself?  I don't need to answer that one, do I?

I am adding a simple list to encourage anyone that is in a low place right now.  Perhaps, you need to make your own list.  Your goals may be different than mine.

Things I Want to Work On

1. Prepare medicine and supplements for the week ahead of time.  Keep them by the place you usually eat.
2. Brush your teeth daily and take a shower at least every other day, depending on necessity.
3. Dress in clothes everyday.  I know I said it is ok to have pajama days;  however, many people do not truly feel  ready for working in pajamas -- even doing housework.  It is too easy to sit, because we relate pj's with rest.
4. 1 - 3 jobs a day minimum for those that are able would be a good goal.  1 one of those jobs can be getting out of the house.  I know I spend far too much time in my home.  Later, maybe we can explore things to do when we get of the house.  I am aiming for 3 jobs a day, because I have felt physically ready for a couple of weeks.  
5. Plan a treat for finishing your chores.  And remember, we are aiming for done -- not perfect.  After all, we live in our homes:  they will not continually look like a magazine page, if they ever did.  Enjoy your home.  (Your home may or may not look like a magazine page, but somehow magazine pages are always a little too perfect for how mine ends up.  Sometimes, some smart person will add something to make a house looked lived in, but I am betting most photographed houses do not stay that way.)

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Depression?

Images Courtesy of [Simon Howden] /
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I wanted to introduce my new blog look to you;  and I thought I would add this picture, because I had thought about using it. However, though truly beautiful, it wasn't quite right on the header.

May we have many more blogs that give you a boost or good information.  Sometimes, I feel like I am about to run dry, but that is also true of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I am sure you know how it is to feel like you have dried up and the real you, though still inside, is buried under all the fatigue.

However, have you ever tried to figure out whether it was post-exertional fatigue that hit you or depression?  This happened to me during the last couple of weeks.  The desire to want to do things was there;  but so, was the guilt of thinking myself lazy.  I finally came to the conclusion I was depressed;  and yet, I wasn't in the way I was before I found out I had CFS and I was on a regimen for physical improvement.

Today, I finally got to the point where I did something I wanted to do -- change and wash the sheets and pillowcases on my bed.  It wore me out;  therefore, it brought me back to the depression versus fatigue question of why I find myself sitting in a chair most of the time.  People with depression are usually unmotivated and don't care about doing anything.   People who have CFS want to do things, but either do not have energy or run out quickly.

However, I know if I wait out the inactivity phase long enough, I will become motivated.  This leads me to believe it is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that has been making me feel off-balance the last couple of weeks.  Also, it happened after a week and a weekend with a mixture of activity;  cleaning, stress, both bad and good;  as well as having a wonderful visit with my niece;  and, going out more than I had gone out in two months.  No wonder I was sitting.

Does any of this sound familiar?  Do you sometimes get in a slump, which is confusing?  You do not know whether  it is depression, laziness, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or Fibromyalgia.  How do you handle your slumps?  Do you drag yourself out of bed and try to do the things you would do if you felt good, or do you rest?  Is there any particular thing, such as music, company coming, or ?????? that helps you to do at least a little bit of the regular chores?  I would love to know, because we are all different;  and, maybe you might suggest something that would help someone else.

When Depression Hits

Depression is  a word that evokes uncomfortable memories for me.  For some people, it means they feel a little off or blue.  But the depression I am thinking of is a numbing, painful, I want to get away from myself.  The kind I am talking about hits at the heart of my motivation, and I used to feel  this way for day on end.  This description only gets to the basics of how depression feels, but when it hits, I have to wait it out.

Sometimes, I can force myself to do things around the house or get outside;  and sometimes I can avoid feeling it by reading.  It is still there, but my mind is off it.  I have done visualizations if it had to do with anxiety, as well as exercises that relax muscles.  I used to go on a good run, which raises endorphins.  How I miss that solution.  I sometimes wonder if my doctor would ever believe I was a slim runner, walker, hiker, tennis player, swimmer, dancer type.  How I miss being able to do those things.

Anyhow, every once in a while, I wake up and as the morning progresses, I realize I am depressed.  It used to happen all the time.  I am thankful it has not been that way much, not since I found out I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and have gotten treatment for it.  I wonder why this happens out of the blue;  but now, I feel a bit suspicious;  because I have not been as careful about taking my supplements.  I've been too busy with other things, and the supplements are usually what suffer.  Why I let this happen is beyond me, when I know they make a difference.

Perhaps, the reason I easily let the supplements go is that I do not remember to take them, unless I refill the weekly container, a job I dislike.  Maybe, it goes back to my dislike of taking pills.  I really don't know.  But that is one job on which I tend to procrastinate. 

Today, I finally had to take a pill for anxiety, and I had to go back to bed.  Sometimes, that helps me wait it out.  I also prayed for release from this, and asked God to surround me with His hedge of protection.  Hopefully, I will be back on track tomorrow.  I feel better tonight.

One supplement I will be taking everyday, which I have been leaving off is my fish oil.  I have heard it spoken of as soothing to the brain.  Whether it is or not, I seem to feel better when I take it everyday.  I know there has been research done on fish oil and depression with positive outcomes.  It certainly cannot hurt to take it.

Finally, I know this too shall pass, as it has in the past.  Tomorrow, I am hoping I will be able to feel more normal and I will be able to do things that need to be done, or even get out of the house on a jaunt somewhere, a mini-holiday.  The plethora of things, people have to deal with who have Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS seems to be never-ending.  Sometimes, we feel more normal, sometimes not.  It is literally a matter of flowing as the tide flows--our own seemingly crazy, dismal, prolonged illnesses. 

How I thank God for His joy that returns to me, and the realization this depression will not last.  It has hit before and gone.  I will wait it out like I have done so many times before.  Working through will be something I can do, now that I have gotten over the surprise of it blanketing me in gloom. There is joy in the morning.

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness  (KJV, Lamentations 3:22-23).

Risking The Truth

Have you ever felt like you were putting yourself out there when admitting to your own weakness?  Isn't that how it feels  when you have to admit to someone, who does not quite understand your illness, that you  cannot do something or go somewhere?

When you get to the point you have to tell someone, I  do  not have the strength or the energy to go on a trip,  take that job, go out  tonight, teach that class, or volunteer in that organization -- it often feels like a huge decision, especially if it is something you  want to do.  One finds himself pulled this way and that.  Sometimes, it feels like a weight on the chest that sits there, until one is brave enough to admit this is not something he or she can do.

And then, there is the issue of being honest to help someone who suffers like you do.  The best example I can think of is what I wrote in "Digressing from Needing a Vacation." A synopsis of what I wrote goes as follows:  when you are constantly ill for years, there are moments when you might feel like you cannot take another moment of this.  This can lead to thoughts of suicide, but suicide is not the answer.  If this is a thought that plagues you, you should have psychological counseling.  It is worth the risk of being honest to tell a therapist you have had this thought.  My preference is a Christian therapist, but that because I know a Christian therapist would understand how important my faith is in my life.  There are things in life we should not have to tackle alone.  It is not failure to see a counselor that can help you manage the thoughts you have about your life in a healthier way. That is what I  call being smart and handling your illness.

Finding peace in a life that has become a daily round of illness is challenging. It sometimes feels like climbing a mountain you can never leave or being inside bars that will not let you go.  I have felt sometimes like my body has become a prison.  However, you can learn to live in a new normal. I have written about how I find that peace in God and in letting go of negative thoughts by turning them around into positive thoughts.  

Recently, I had to admit to a loved one that I couldn't spend several days visiting.  It was hard.  I did not want to call.  I was afraid of how that person would feel and whether she would understand.  But I had to do it, because I know my body.  I know I have been more ill this past winter and not yet totally  recovered. When I made the plans, I was optimistic and thinking I would be ready.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I had to risk telling the truth that I cannot handle the type of trip we were planning.  At least, I cannot at this time.  It was like a weight lifted when I was truthful.  I admitted my weakness and my inability to handle what would have been a fun trip during a time of feeling healthier.  I'm not saying I don't feel disappointment over not going somewhere I wanted to go.  However, I do feel peace in having been truthful.  And I have let the disappointment go. 

I have many blessings in this life.  I think I will count those, and smell the roses.  That is life-giving or life-living for me. 

Perhaps you have heard the saying:  "Have an attitude of gratitude."  Even in negative circumstances it helps one to get through tough times to count your blessings.  There are time one feels like he or she is barely hanging on, but that is part of life.  Sometimes, if I feel depressed, I tell myself it will pass.  Also, I find something to do:  I don't dwell on my feelings.  I feel them and I try to move on to put activity appropriate to my physical condition on that particular day.  

Today, I could not get motivated, but I have had some unusual things going on this week.  I considered that and a friend said, "This would be a good time to read a book."  So, I did.   No guilt.  Then, later on I took a shower and washed my hair even though I did not feel like it.  Funny how I feel better now, and I am not feeling guilty about not cooking supper or not doing housework.  Tomorrow is another day.  The world is not going to quit turning, because I didn't fix supper or didn't do the laundry.  If it was going to quit turning over my putting something off until tomorrow, we would be in lots of trouble.

Until Next Time,

Deborah

Looping -- My Groundhog Day?

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day?  Have you ever felt as if you were caught in an inescapable loop?  That's the sense I had last night.  I am caught in a loop of what I can only figure is seasonable depression.  Perhaps, I have a touch of SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder.  All I know, is even though I thought I would escaped the January blahs this year, I did not.  I don't want to go anywhere, my sleep patterns are disrupted, and I am unmotivated to do much of anything.  The reason it feels like Groundhog Day is that I have to figure out how to get out of the loop again.

I know if I wait it out, the bad feelings will go away;  however, it gets old always having it come back.  I have to exert twice as much will to get out of this -- at least that is how it seems.  With prayer and faith, God will give me strength to get into a better routine.  And I will begin feeling better.  FlyLady says if your routines are established you can keep on going. This week I have been happy for each small thing I do a day.    

One of my favorite facebook fibromyalgia-groups stays very positive.  Am I being negative to admit my ups and downs?  I certainly do not want to bring you down or make you feel less positive.  Unfortunately, depression often comes in the Fibromyalgia package.  If you are encouraged that you are not alone, I have done my job.  I will start taking my babysteps again.  I am sure I will be able to get back to feeling better with each small step of moving forward in my life. I have hope.  Will you join me?

Taking Time for Me

Do you feel guilty the day after you have done something special with your family,

 and you have used up the energy

 you needed to go to work or to do housework?  

Do you wonder why your mood feels off center, and you don't feel like getting dressed or doing your daily routine?  

Even though you may have been dealing with Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for a number of years, do you have selective memory, only remembering the things you think you should do?

Your brain becomes extra sensitive to too much sound, so you turn off the TV.  The dog keeps barking at the delivery man, and you want to jump out of your skin.  Your skin burns, your clothes feel scratchy, your mind can't stay focused on what you should do next.  Moreover, you need to go back to bed.

  And you feel depressed.  

These are some of the things you may feel with post-exertional malaise, fatigue brought on by date-night, going to the park, playing with the kids, having company over for supper, staying on the computer too long, 

or going shopping.  

You can probably think of dozens of other things that cause PEM.  Maybe, you didn't sleep long enough.  Maybe, 

you cannot pinpoint a reason.

What can you do to overcome the depression that occurs when PEM strikes again?  Let the feelings out.  It's OK to feel the feelings:  they are real.  Talk to a friend or family member.  Paint or draw a picture.  Write a poem.  Feeling the disappointment is not negative self-talk, but it is a normal reaction to abnormal health.  If there is nothing you have wanted to lose yourself in, it is alright to nap during the day.  Maybe, there is an easy craft project you have been wanting to do for a long time--but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.  Let this day be yours to do what you need to do to rest and to clear your fogged brain.  

No one can tell you what that is, except yourself.  That's what I did -again- for the umpteenth dozenth time in my life.  And guess  

what!  After I figured out why I felt the way I felt, the guilt went away by applying positive actions to my day;

 which were as follows:  

a nap, dressed and put on light makeup, made the bed, wrote a poem and drew a picture to go with it, mod-podged a top to a jar, and read a book.  Basically, I read and did things I enjoyed.  The poem and picture were my "art therapy."  

Disclaimer:  I am not a medical professional.  My writing is based on my own experiences and what I have learned over the years through counseling and reading. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or have a medical question, you should consult your medical professional.

Handling the Truth about My Illness

Yesterday, I tried to write and all I could do was feel stuck in fog.  I even went to look up some information on what it feels like to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as if I didn't know.  I'll share a link with you at the end of this blog post, but first I want to write while my brain feels clear.

"Autumn Colors"[by dan] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How do I let you know I am being positive, even when I write about the realities of this disease?  I know that it is not officially a disease, because the researchers have not pinpointed the cause of the syndrome:  but, those of us who have it know it feels like a disease. And just because someone doesn't know what causes it, does not mean it isn't a disease.   That sounds sad, but it isn't depressing to me like it used to be.  The depression many have with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome used to be unbearable.  For months on end, I think I did little but exist;  but, that has changed.  

However, that does not mean that I don't have to deal with the moodiness or feeling that I am coming down with something.  It does not mean I don't get tired of CFS and FM, or that for a while I might hope I will never feel this way again.  I know what is causing the mild depression; I try to do what I can every day; and  I know I did not ask to be this way.  Whether other people understand or not is something I cannot help.  Sometimes, I don't even understand.  I went to therapy before I knew I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and that helped me with worrying about what other people thought.  I knew I had Fibromyalgia, NASH, and prediabetes.  What I didn't know was I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome too, until about a year later.  I also have a strange skin condition called Erythema Annulare Centrifugum, which I have had since my late twenties.  I have had it for over 30 years and it varies in the places it appears, and in severity.  I had it all summer, and it was bearable.  Right now, I have one area that is quite deep -- and it burns, hurts, and itches.  But guess what!  I am not depressed like I used to be, because I know  that I deal with something I did not cause.  I know all this fits together somehow.  Furthermore, I know that God knows my heart, even when I doubt myself.  He knows me better than I do.  When I read Psalm 139, I am completely assured that God knows everything about me;  and my heart is calmed.  

Finally, I suppose some of you might wonder what this has to do with FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  It is a matter of facing reality.  This summer I began to feel better and I was able to do more, including light exercise.  Some days, I felt as if I was getting better and would probably be able to maintain at a certain level.  Unfortunately, I could not do that.  As I added things into my life, I was sapped of more energy, and I did not recover well.  Then, I began to feel guilty and angry (usually at myself), that I could not live a normal life.  The fact is I have a new normal, or perhaps a better way to say this is I have a different normal.  And I know this is true for many of my readers.

Therefore, I will be mentioning FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps in passing.  I am still going to work on my habits,  but at a pace I can maintain.  I cannot and will not please everyone.  It is impossible.  But I can pray, ask for guidance, and be happy in my circumstances.  If I try to do more than my body can handle to please other people, than I am not being honest.  I know there are times I put out more, because I am shooting for normal, whatever that is.  However, my body shuts down;  and it has done that to me for the last 20 years.  About three years ago, I  became so ill I felt like I had the flu all the time and I did not recover for even a few weeks.  I was desperate to find  a way to get well.  I knew it was not just FM and liver disease.  The point is:  I'm the one that has to live with it, as does my husband to a degree.  What anyone else thinks about me is irrelevant:  I cannot help it if people, who do not share my circumstances, do not understand.

Whatever chronic / invisible illness you have -- you are the one, who knows how it makes you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Nobody else can determine that for you;  however, there are counselors that can help.  And if you know God, He will help you too, whether that means complete healing or coming to terms with living on this earth with a disability.  

That is enough for today -- somehow, I don't feel like this is a finished subject.  I'm going to get a snack, put some laundry in the dryer, and rest.  Maybe, I will look at FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps for encouragement.   However, I want you to remember that doing the Babysteps is an experiment for me.  I am not going to feel guilty when I cannot do them, nor do I want you to feel guilty.  Resting is doing something.

The following link is an informative one on post-exertional malaise and how it feels:  Unraveling Post-exertional Malaise by Jennifer M. Spotila, J.D.

The Blues - A Sneaky Little Feeling

Sometimes, I begin to get this sneaky little feeling that I am beginning to get depressed.  I can function, but there is this little niggling feeling in my chest and my head that something is off center.  Since, I don't have anything about which to be depressed, where does this uncomfortable fluttering come from?  I really don't know.  I can only guess.

Could it be the change in the weather?  Or is it the undone things around the house?  Is there some sort of hormonal change going on in my body?  Have you pinpointed things in your life that give you just a hint of the blues, kind of an off-kilter feeling?  Do you end up getting depressed?  Or does it pass?

When I was in my late twenties and thirties, I would go running if I started to feel blue.  Or I would eat some chocolate, or both.  I think today I am going to continue on with my new flybaby routine, that I am working on developing:  it's already imperfect, but I'm not going to stop.  I have put my sticky notes up, and soon I am going to flutter in my kitchen.  After, I get supper started, I am going to get rid of some paper clutter, for at least fifteen minutes.  I might eat some chocolate too.

What I am really looking forward to is working on my control journal page, but Flylady says to take babysteps gradually, and I have always jumped ahead on that one, with poor results.  If I get this habit down in babysteps maybe it will stick better.  We'll see.

Finally, I want you to know I am thinking about you.  I hope you were feeling well enough to work on your habit today.  If you weren't, just jump in and do it tomorrow.   You will still be working towards your goal, which is the plan.  You don't have to do it perfectly.  I have found this approach works much better, than putting pressure on myself to improve overnight.  And don't forget to congratulate yourself for each step you do to work towards your new good habit.

Fly-baby Deborah's Journey Out of CHAOS

Hello again!  If you read my last post and clicked on the word, CHAOS, you should have discovered FlyLady, Marla Cilley's website.  I discovered FlyLady.net about 6 years ago, and I thought I would be a genuine reformed fly-baby long before now, but I am not.

I suppose the general consensus is that a person was a slob before having found FlyLady, but that is not necessarily true.  Most of us manage to have a reasonably clean house, until something happens that turns things upside down.  For me, it was chronic illness, which gradually grew worse.  The depression that came with the illness did not help.  I had no motivation, and I had no energy.  That was not a good equation for keeping one’s house clean and uncluttered. 

First of all, for the uninitiated, CHAOS is an acronym for can’t have anyone over syndrome.   That absolutely says it all.  I would have felt like I was going to die a thousand deaths over the embarrassment of having someone walk in my house after I got sick.  And on my good days, I managed to make myself feel more ill by doing a marathon cleaning job.  At the time, I didn’t think Depression or Fibromyalgia should keep me from getting my housework done.   I couldn’t figure out why I had long periods afterwards, that I couldn’t do anything.  I also found out I have a liver disease called NASH.   Furthermore, I found out I have Hypothyroidism and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome;  so, I got in this cycle of letting the clutter pile and waiting to feel good enough to do something about it.  Obviously, I needed to find a better way.  My self-esteem was going down the drain quickly!

So what happened after I found FlyLady?  Did I go through her thirty-one day plan and become renewed and revamped?  I wish I could say I did, but it wasn't quite that easy for me.  It was kind of like yo-yo dieting.  I didn't have the energy to stick to the plan every day.  Some days I didn't feel like taking a shower, much less getting out of my pajamas.  I had to find a way I could do this at my own speed.  That is what I am going to share with you.  You are going to read how I adapted FlyLady’s excellent plan to my own life.  Moreover, I am still working on it.  Let’s see if we can share the things that are helping us manage our lives better – our lives as they are now.

Finding the right support group has been a great encouragement for me.  I live in a small town, so there are not any support groups that fit my needs;  however, I have found sisters in the spirit with similar problems that understand what I am going through on Facebook, Spark People, and a couple of other forums on the internet.  When I first became ill, it was difficult to find anything that gave me any answers or support; and actually, answers are not always certain in some illnesses.  But just knowing someone else understands helps me to feel that I am not alone.  I have left a couple of forums in my search for the right fit.  Sometimes, it was because I was too ill to  participate.  I left one group, because the posts were becoming more and more negative and I didn't like the jokes.  

Support groups can be both informative and encouraging.   I belonged to a group on a forum, which gave personal antidotes about what it was like to have hip replacement surgery, as well as answering questions the newbies asked.  It was belonging to that group that helped me make an informed decision.  I also did research on my own and talked to my orthopedic surgeon;  but it was communicating with the group members that helped remove my fear of having the surgery.  Having a joint and hip replacement is probably one of the best things I could have done for my health at this point  in my life, for I was extremely sedentary because of the pain.   While the hip heals and because I deal with other health issues, I have taken very small steps in adding activity.  I feel better because I'm moving more, but I try not to push myself;  because, I know that I will run out of fuel for several days if I do too much.

Do I have to tell people my real name?

I can be authentic without sharing
 all information about myself on the internet.

There are forums where you can use a pseudonym, as well as social media where you can use your real name.  When you are in an online support group, which is open to the public, you don't have to share anymore than you are comfortable sharing, certainly not your real name if you are talking about personal matters.  

I hope you have found this information to be helpful.  If you are a regular internet user, then you are probably well aware of what a great tool it can be;  however, it is on-the-job training for new users.  One more thing, do not let the internet totally take over your life.  Yes, we can make friends on the social media and reconnect with old ones;  but there is more to life than spending all day on the computer. If I have a day or two away from the computer,  I actually feel like I am doing something good for myself.  I lived a very full life before I had a computer, and I don't want to feel it has taken over my life.                                                         

The Affliction of False Guilt

Did I ever mention how guilty I feel when I have been sitting in the recliner most of the day?  It may not hit me early in the day;  but as the day progresses, I start feeling a bit uneasy, especially if there is any clutter nearby.  Even though I am there because I am extremely fatigued or in more pain than usual, I feel like I should have done more.  I have a hard time shaking this.  I felt that way tonight, because I could still see a lot of clutter in my living room.

I am supposed to be writing you to encourage you, and I am telling you something that has a negative tone to it.  However, I am not telling you about my little guilt complex to say you should feel that way.  On the contrary, my negativity is a peace annihilator.  Negative thoughts afflict us.  These negative thoughts pull us down, sucking away the feelings of accomplishment we have for the good things we do. 

My Negative to Positive Thought
Negative Thought 
I feel guilty because sat in the recliner today, and I did not pick up the clutter in the living room.
Positive Response
I could not have walked around the house today without aggravating my hip and joint pain--sometimes, I just have to give it a rest. 

I did do important things today.  Here are some of them:  alternated ice and heat on my hip and back; checked my emails and answered those that needed an answer; talked to my husband, talked on the telephone with 2 granddaughters and 1 daughter; made a salad for lunch; made a short grocery list for my husband; cooked a vegetable for supper and reheated another one, which I mashed and enhanced with spices; shredded chicken into smaller pieces and mixed with rice (for our dog who was sick yesterday);  I prayed about writing a devotional (what to write) and did some web surfing on scriptures for inspiration; and I am writing my blog.  And I haven't even listed the small things I needed to do; because most people go through their day, not noting the necessity of seemingly inconsequential actions, which are actually important.  I did all these things, and I felt like I had wasted my day.  That is the lie my mind told me. I saw the clutter and I did not recognize the lie--not until I had written it down, did I completely realize the bologna I was swallowing earlier.

When I harbor false guilt, it brings confusion.  It makes me second guess myself and criticize myself.  It can also be bred from the perfectionism that was stuck in my brain for so long.  It's not bad to have goals, but berating myself has never helped me to reach them.  If I use today for a typical example, I know I can apply a couple of drive-by cleanings tonight, clean a hot spot for 2 minutes, or spend 5 minutes picking up. I am going to go for something that is directly in my line of vision when I sit in my recliner.  OK.  I have a plan.  I will apply.  Now, that is success--a job well done! 

I hope this helps you, my readers.  My hope is you will see that you are not the only one that gets negative thoughts about yourself.  And I hope this little walk-through of parts of my day is helpful. One of the things I see is that kowtowing to false guilt is wasteful.  It wastes my time, my energy, and my peace.  If I wallow in false guilt long enough, I end up with a messier house and depression.  I am thankful I am learning to live more simply; and, I am thankful I feel more peace in my life. 

Write down what I hear? - Day 5

What?  Write down what I hear?  Let's see -- the air conditioner, my husband's snoring, the dog's snoring--is that what FlyLady means?  Or maybe when I see my grandchildren, I should be writing down the sweet things they say.  But no;  as I read more, I understand.  She wants me to write down what the negative voices in my head are saying. "How am I going to get anything done today?  I haven't had any sleep", is one thought that has been running through my brain.  Insomnia is awful; furthermore, once I go to sleep, I get in a rut of going to bed late--very late--and waking up late.  So the cycle continues.  I thought I had it solved when we got sweet puppy, because I had to get up early to take her out.  Well, at least she has no problem sleeping.


Lucky Dog -- She sleeps like a baby.

 I know you didn't come here to read about negative voices, because they can get so depressing; but, did you see how I began to ruminate over not sleeping?  Even my seemingly positive "well, at least she has no problem sleeping" sounded envious.  I can hear the negative tone of voice in my head every time I read that sentence. 

Thankfully, I have already been working on my negative voices; and, I can see the value of writing them down if I come up with a better positive.  However, the most valuable tool I have found comes from my faith.   I went to the Bible to find answers for the negative voices, which are usually formed by anxiety or worry.  Lately, I have spent much of my time in Matthew 6.  There is a very juicy section in Matthew 6: 25-34 on how we should handle our anxiety.  One of the scriptures that has recently been very close to my heart is, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34, NASV).  It fits right in with my resolve to experience the moment I am in, rather than regretting the past or worrying about the future.  And I can truthfully tell you, I am seeing the results in my life.

Am I enjoying my life more?  Yes.  Have I reached perfection in my thought life?  No.  Is it worth the time and effort to remind myself everyday to chase away those negative thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are healthy?  I say, "Yes!  A resounding yes!"   Philippians 4:8 says it better than I can:  "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV)

Note:  I have always found it helpful to read Bible verses in context;  moreover,  I have found the writings of some authors do not agree with scripture, when I compared what they were saying with the verses before and after their quotes.  Reading the Bible in context means reading what comes before and after the quoted verse.  One might have to read an entire chapter to understand the true meaning of the text.  I have often found that God speaks to me personally through reading scripture in context.  I believe that I should be careful to make sure the text I am reading agrees with scripture, and not blindly accept everything I read or hear.