(Updated) Digressing from Needing a Vacation: Hot Topic

Update:  Every once in a while, I catch myself in such a badly written post, I have to do some editing.  While I would not pronounce this perfect, it is more readable.

This blog is supposed to be about needing a vacation, but it digressed into something else, which I think needs to be said.  And hopefully, it will help you understand someone in your life that suffers from Chronic Illness.

Warning Before Reading This Blog Post

The hot topic of suicide is mentioned in this blog post.  I do not approve of suicide, nor am I being judgmental toward anyone who has ever had the thought or tried the act of suicide.  These are my personal thoughts, and I am in no way responsible for anything you or a loved one might do.  I have never, nor do I ever want to do such  a thing.  But the word is in here more than once, and I  want you to know; just in case it is a word that will set off anxiety or anything else in your life.

What I Need Is ... a vacation

Right now, I absolutely need a blog vacation:

I have already slightly indulged in it without the guilt!

A willingness on my part to only write 

only that which can be written quickly without angst
is my mantra for the summer.

Please indulge me, as the summer progresses,

And forgive me if I'm not often here

With an encouraging word. 

Wish I was there right now, but I'm here at home.
This picture was taken at Amelia Island, a few years ago.

I need it to get me back on track if that is possible.

 I really don't know for sure I can gain ground physically,

Because I lost a lot this past winter.

 But, I am going to try to not worry about it.

Instead, I am continuing to do a little more gradually,

which is quite exhausting.

  

Well  perhaps, you don't know how this fatigue thing works, 
and I'm not speaking of the kind of fatigue fairly healthy people have.

Moreover, I forgive you if you cannot even imagine what it feels like 

to have a plethora of symptoms that mount and wane, but it feels
kind of like having influenza all the time and you can never 
quite get over the aches and low, draggy feeling.
And that is only part of the symptoms
 FM - CFS patients deal with.

I would never want anyone to suffer

 through these stupid, hard to explain symptoms 

We Fibromites and ME/CFS people have.
It is by God's Grace and Mercy, I am not totally  mentally disabled 
by the frustration of it all.  I had been in pain for 30 years or
more before I  ever knew I had syndromes.

If it were not for God, I admit that I would probably 

give it up -- everything.

Please don't worry, 

I am not depressed or about to

do anything like suicide.

I know what that is like for family.  

And even though I think the Lord probably forgives those Christians,

Who have momentarily lost their minds and do themselves in. 

I do not think it is right, or fair, or what He would choose for me,

Or anyone for that matter.  It makes me sad to think of it.

But sometimes, I do get very tired of trying

To be healthier,

To keep a strong heart and mind,

Which I know is a gift from God.

I cannot do any of this alone, 

And for those of you who say, 

"God is a crutch!";

I say that He is always Who I have needed, even when I was healthy.

So if you think you don't need Him,

You better think real hard about Eternity.
I am being honest and politically incorrect here, because I care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sorry this is such a long post, 
but the next part has relevance in getting to my main points.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor.

The whole morning started badly, brought on by poor sleep,

and having to get up when my body only wanted to rest.

I couldn't find my keys, because I had put them in my Bible Carrier.

They were not in my purse, because I have not driven for

?????????????

many weeks.  I don't remember the last time I drove. 

I know it has been more than a month.

Anxiety ridden, I got to my appointment.

(I called first -- the receptionist was kind and gave me a later time.)

By the way, for all my dear friends who would quote

Philippian 4:6-7 to me.  

I have known this verse by heart, since I was twenty,  

And it has carried me through many a moment.
I know He guards my heart and my mind.
The Holy Spirit has spoken to me when my heart was broken.
Not in an audible voice, so anyone could hear it, but He has spoken
to me when I least expected it and I am thankful.

The uninitiated often do not understand that
there is an anxiety caused by the broken brain and nerves, 

That will not be squelched.  

I have learned to deal with it.  I know how to visualize, 

contract and relax muscles,

breathe slowly, hold my breath, and breathe again.

My amygdala has been rested,  retrained, and upset again.

I have a flight and fight response that is all ready to go;

but I cannot jog or run anymore to help reset it.

I cannot dance like I used to.

My physical body is broken and battered by illness;  even though,

I worked hard to not be caught by a body that kept me
 from living an active physical life in my more mature years. 

Unfortunately, it caught me earlier than I could have possibly expected.
But, I had fought it, because I knew it was in my genes.

However, I did not expect it, because I exercised and ate very healthily;

also, I  kept my weight down.  

But sometimes,
People get sick anyway.  Oh darn!

That's not fair!

Back to the eye appointment...

My eye appointment was like no other I have ever had:  I was up and down, 

In a chair and out of a chair,

down the narrow hall and back to the same room,  several times.

I never knew so many machines for checking your eyes existed.

And they want me to come back in six months -- really?? 

Maybe, I should call and ask if I have to do all those machines again.

It was way too much
 for a ME/CFS - Fibromyalgia patient to go through 

without someone to drive him or her.

What I Wanted to Do after the Eye Appointment

I had planned the things I wanted to do when I was out by myself in the car.

Ha!  Didn't happen.  After that appointment, 
I didn't look at flowers to plant or go any place, 
Except 

The three most necessary .

I got a grilled chicken sandwich, real lemonade (needed a treat).

Thank you Chick-fil-A.

 I have to put a plug in for them, because they helped pay 

For our eldest daughter's education through their 

Winshape scholarship program, which believe me she earned.
But, it was also God's gift to her. 

Sometimes, I have to do a little wave my wings, mommy fluttering.

 With a grateful heart, I went to the new Chick-fil-A restaurant;

and I experienced their typical good cheer and kindness, 
which is comforting.

Then, I went to my pharmacy to pick up my prescription,
 but ended up with more frustration -- due to my own mistaken idea my doctor's office had called in my colonoscopy prep.

At least, I got the pills I had run out of.  My thyroid will appreciate it.

And then I went home, driving while upset -- never a good idea.

I had not been so anxiety-filled in a long time.

That was when I had the "driving off the road thought."

Remember, I told you I am not suicidal,
 but there is an Enemy out there, 

who would like us to be thinking and doing wrong things.
Should you not believe in the supernatural,
 I'm sorry, because it is there.  
God is real and so is the Enemy and His cohorts. 
 I really don't like saying the name.  Read C.S. Lewis and the Bible,
then you will know what I am talking about.  
I would much rather talk about God.

Anyway, as I drove home,
 This was a simple run-down of my thoughts.

I am so sick of feeling like this -- it never ends. 
 I can't do  anything.  I could run into one of those trees.

Oh, it probably wouldn't kill me.  I would just hurt worse
and, God would not like it.  
I had a picture of the air bag inflating, as well as 
being laid up in a hospital in pain.

How am I going to heaven, and say I did it to myself to Jesus?
Nope.  I'm not going to run off the road.  
It would not be fair to my family.
That was the gist of my thoughts.

Since I am the very near relative of two someones who committed suicide, 

I want to tell you that it is a horrible thing to do to your family.

Second of all, I want to tell you that 

your child should never see you  threaten to commit suicide.
Even if you don't ever do it,

She/he will not forget:  it will always be there in his or her mind, 

just waiting to be jolted back into present memory.
I know that memory can come back years later in living color,
because I have experienced it.

A word to you who have had 

the suicidal thought go through your mind...

It is not unforgivable to have the thought, 

nor is it unforgivable to have voiced it, 

or to have started to go through the act.
But I think

you need to ask God's forgiveness, 
your family's forgiveness, 

and most of all 

you need to forgive yourself.

Moreover,  it does no good to dwell in the past.

The past is the past.  
Done.  Gone.  Move on.

Trying to brush it under the rug and hope everyone will forget

did not work for the family I grew up in.  

I knew and I don't know how I knew,

that you never talk about 

Family Business.  

Well, it is not just business.

It is life.  And I have a theory that all families 

are at least slightly Dysfunctional,

Because I thought, we were a very normal and good family,  

 well, most of the time I thought that.

And we were, but...
is there really any family that is perfectly functional?

So to move on, it has to be dealt with in the family. 
If that is not possible for whatever reason;

with God's help you have to do it yourself.

I advise moving on whether or not other family members are able to; because it is unhealthy to be living in the debris of their emotions everyday.  

I am not talking about withdrawing one's love, but you cannot live someone else's life.  You cannot force someone else to change.  
That is what I mean by moving on.
That is why it is so good to have a counselor to talk to,
 because it can help you to get through things that are devastating to you mentally and emotionally.

All of this, and

it was just a simple trip to the eye doctor, right?

Now, I will share my sweet husband's
 understanding and kind reactions to all of this.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

He did come home from work to check on me. 

And after I had a nap, 

He took me to get the makeup I had meant to buy that day.

On a second trip that evening, he took me to McDonald's 
for a hot fudge sundae.

He left a TV baseball game to do that.

Wasn't that sweet?

How To Keep Going When Your World Turns Upside Down

Have you ever noticed that children know exactly
what to do when they are worn out?  Our grandson
came into go potty;  and then, he sacked out in the
bed, wet bathing suit and all.  I love this picture.

Do you ever have a week or two that seems to turn your safe little world around?  Your routine is upside down and your body is gasping for energy.  Your brain is working, but it has slowed down to a 20 minute lag.  Everything seems to be painfully slow, and you know you need to take life at an easier pace.

Even now after years of illness, I get these guilty,  nagging, little feelings when I don't do everything I consider to be my work, my calling, my responsibility.  Does this happen to you, and what do you do about it?  Are you backed into an "I have to do it corner", whether it is detrimental to your health or not?  I have been there, and I ended up getting more ill, because I have never liked giving in to my illness.  At least, that is how I saw it.  I had to be stronger than that.  If my body was not going to cooperate, then I would trust in will over matter.  

I am not saying that I stopped praying.  I still trusted in God, but I also thought I had to push through to be well and to please Him.  However, at that point, I chalked most of my problems up to my liver, depression, fibromyalgia, and gaining weight.  I did not realize that my thyroid was compromised and I had multiple things going on in my body that added up to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Actually, now when I look back at the onset of my illness, probably most of my problems were Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, including the depression.  It took total collapse to finally find out what was wrong with me.

Some people think they are weak because they cannot get well or work through these diseases/syndromes.  I would like to suggest most people are stronger than they realize.

But God Hath Not Given Us a Spirit of Fear

Fear,  over cleaning off a table -- what is the deal here?

I don't think the  fear is about cleaning off a table: it is about what I have to do  after  I  clean off the table.  I have to figure out how to keep it that way.

Do you ever have fears that unexpectedly pop up?  All of a sudden, this irrational fear  envelops your being.  

Ask these questions:

What is the fear really about?
Has it been a hard day?
Are you on the edge of exhaustion?

It seems answering these questions might explain some aspects of fear.

What is the fear really about?  I'm afraid I will let the table go again.  If I use it, it will become a mess.  And I am weary of  trying to figure out what to shed from my life and where to put the keepers.  I want everything to be simple and clear, but life doesn't always cooperate.

Has it been a hard day?  Oh yes, from the very beginning.  I woke up dizzy and I am walking around in a fog that I don't want to give in to.  And I weighed -- I have gained all my weight back.

Are you on the edge of exhaustion?  Yes.  I am.  I live most of my life on the edge of exhaustion, trying to overcome it.

However, as I walked out of the room with the big table, I prayed God would take me step by step down His path.  I don't care how long it takes, as long as He is my guide.  So now when I should be fixing supper, I close my eyes and rest, thankful for frozen dinners.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.   2 Timothy 1: 7 (KJV)                                                                                               

Focus and Distraction - Controversy? REally?

Oh no!  Did I do that?

Wow!  I did not expect my last post on Learning to Balance Life Changes to be a tiny hotbed of controversy.  I shared my last post on a couple of pages I frequent on a certain popular social media site, and someone felt spammed.  And I am so sorry.  I am not that computer savvy, nor do I have the desire to be a pest.  I don't like spam either.  And I would message someone or delete the post, rather than report it as spam;  unless, it was an obviously computer generated robot or it was objectionable, rude, crude content.  And I have to admit to having hidden some things that came into my page, because I don't like the language that some people consider acceptable.  But I certainly don't want to burn bridges to my friends.

If I post anything, it is to add to the conversation on the same general or specific subject;  and, I do it to be helpful.  For instance, yesterday, I thought what I posted might help someone see how I worked my problem, which was totally a part of my chronic illness.  I worked the problem by praying about something over a period of time.  However, I felt like I was near a breaking point, so I prayed again;  and, I finally had my answer.  I don't see that as a problem in dealing with chronic illness.  I see prayer as a plus.  That means you are giving it to God, instead of spending all your waking hours stewing over something. 

I am not having brain fog issues right now;  however, for a few moments, I wondered when I found my blog post removed from my own pages.  Well, now you may have guessed the social media; so I guess it is alright to say Facebook.  I think they do a lot of spam checking by automatic computer programs, so it is possible that the unnamed Page marked it as spam.  Isn't it amazing one can have that power on Facebook?  

People worry about stuff that gets on their personal pages. We can say no to things we don't want on our personal pages and our professional or wellness pages.  Also, it is good to let a friend know (in a nice way) if there is something objectionable coming from their page to yours.  Some accounts get phished (I think that is the right word).  Don't assume that something you see from a friend is actually from them, if it isn't in character.  I don't think we have to be afraid that will happen if we are careful about using passwords that are mixed with capitals, numbers, etcetera.  

I do think this blog should share some articles on handling Focus and Distraction.  The last article was one way to handle these kinds of problems.  And for the problem I was dealing with, that is what worked best for me.  
Sometimes, when that beast, brain fog, attacks, I have to also find other ways to manage.  So if you got cued wrong, I apologize.

Finally, I will never apologize for my faith in Jesus Christ.  I do pray about most things;  moreover,  I have made it plain from the very beginning of this blog, I will be talking about how my Faith is an important part of balancing my life changes.  And I whole-heartily recommend it to everyone.

Example of Cognitive Dysfunction/Need for Renewal

If you have already read today's post, you would have noticed several errors in agreement or I left a word out.  I read it when I wrote it, and I did not see the errors.  However, I have also noticed that I have read a couple of things wrong today that I did not write, but when I glanced at them again, I saw the right words.  For instance, I wanted dried cranberries from my pantry today, but all I saw were the words cherries on both packages.  I turned around and looked again, and I saw cranberries on one.  I think this is an excellent example of cognitive dysfunction, which can happen when someone is more ill than usual or stressed.  I have had to be very careful to focus on one thing at a time, because my thoughts feel scattered. It is disconcerting when it happens, because I don't always have this symptom as strongly as I do now.  

I hope you know that even though I don't know all my readers, I deeply care that in some way your lives are affected for good by reading this blog, which I consider my home blog--or that you are blessed by one of my other blogs.  I love writing the blogs, which I consider not only a ministry, but also fulfillment of one of my dreams.  However, I am finding they do take a lot of time and energy, so I'm trying to learn to be more efficient in this area, but I am not there yet.


Most of you know I undertook my own challenge to try to do  Flylady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  I knew it might take longer, and I thought I would be able to finish by Wednesday;  however, I have made the decision to go back to Day 24 today, and try to work on this everyday until I am finished.  Of course, one is never "finished" with housework:  the repetitive stuff of daily living always reoccurs.  Therefore, I am going to leave my blogs until last everyday this week.  There may be some days I don't write.  I do not know.  However, I know I need to have order here in my household, which is better than it was; but, I have not had energy to do what I was doing during the summer and early fall. 

I need to explore why I don't have the energy.  Is it the blogging?  I like to get them right, and I feel I owe it to you to give you a quality blog.  Is it because I am sitting too much?  I wasn't too successful with timing myself on blogging.  My mind has felt almost overfull at times with the needs of things to do.  Is it because I have forgotten to take all my supplements sometimes, even though I took the time to put them in a container for the week.  Am I being lazy sometimes?  Yes, I that thought still occurs in my mind sometimes.  Maybe, it is the insecurity that comes with chronic illness that breeds that question.  I have a highly developed sense of commitment, and it has been difficult coming to the realization I cannot do everything I think is important.  

Therefore, I can understand why people that do not understand the nature of my illnesses cannot understand why I have difficulty doing things that I once did.  For instance, even though I have tried, I cannot seem to get back into going to church every Sunday.  I believe this is an important thing for Hebrews 10:25 tells believers  not to forsake assembling together.  Corporate worship is an important element in the Christian life, as are teaching, preaching, and the ordinances of worship.  It makes me sad to miss this.  I have always wanted to be at worship, since I was a young child.  In fact, I have always been in a choir since I was 6 years old.  However, my sleep problems, the fibromyalgia, and the chronic fatigue syndrome have severely interfered with this part of my life. Moreover, I also believe that being a Christian is not just a Sunday exercise.  There should be communion with God in my daily life, wherever I am, so I do that.  But I am missing being active in my church and community.  If you would like to pray for me to be able to be able to worship and fellowship more with believers in my community, I would greatly appreciate that.

I will try to write one blog everyday this week, but I am not sure which ones are going to get the attention.  Maybe, I will spread it out.  However, I am not making any promises for this is going to be a week of spiritual renewal and concentrating on my household.  I think next Monday, the 12th of November will be day 31 on my babysteps.  I am going to have to take this one day at a time.  I am praying for strength and wisdom.

Write down what I hear? - Day 5

What?  Write down what I hear?  Let's see -- the air conditioner, my husband's snoring, the dog's snoring--is that what FlyLady means?  Or maybe when I see my grandchildren, I should be writing down the sweet things they say.  But no;  as I read more, I understand.  She wants me to write down what the negative voices in my head are saying. "How am I going to get anything done today?  I haven't had any sleep", is one thought that has been running through my brain.  Insomnia is awful; furthermore, once I go to sleep, I get in a rut of going to bed late--very late--and waking up late.  So the cycle continues.  I thought I had it solved when we got sweet puppy, because I had to get up early to take her out.  Well, at least she has no problem sleeping.


Lucky Dog -- She sleeps like a baby.

 I know you didn't come here to read about negative voices, because they can get so depressing; but, did you see how I began to ruminate over not sleeping?  Even my seemingly positive "well, at least she has no problem sleeping" sounded envious.  I can hear the negative tone of voice in my head every time I read that sentence. 

Thankfully, I have already been working on my negative voices; and, I can see the value of writing them down if I come up with a better positive.  However, the most valuable tool I have found comes from my faith.   I went to the Bible to find answers for the negative voices, which are usually formed by anxiety or worry.  Lately, I have spent much of my time in Matthew 6.  There is a very juicy section in Matthew 6: 25-34 on how we should handle our anxiety.  One of the scriptures that has recently been very close to my heart is, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34, NASV).  It fits right in with my resolve to experience the moment I am in, rather than regretting the past or worrying about the future.  And I can truthfully tell you, I am seeing the results in my life.

Am I enjoying my life more?  Yes.  Have I reached perfection in my thought life?  No.  Is it worth the time and effort to remind myself everyday to chase away those negative thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are healthy?  I say, "Yes!  A resounding yes!"   Philippians 4:8 says it better than I can:  "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV)

Note:  I have always found it helpful to read Bible verses in context;  moreover,  I have found the writings of some authors do not agree with scripture, when I compared what they were saying with the verses before and after their quotes.  Reading the Bible in context means reading what comes before and after the quoted verse.  One might have to read an entire chapter to understand the true meaning of the text.  I have often found that God speaks to me personally through reading scripture in context.  I believe that I should be careful to make sure the text I am reading agrees with scripture, and not blindly accept everything I read or hear.