Wednesday, June 12, 2013

(Updated) Digressing from Needing a Vacation: Hot Topic

Update:  Every once in a while, I catch myself in such a badly written post, I have to do some editing.  While I would not pronounce this perfect, it is more readable.

This blog is supposed to be about needing a vacation, but it digressed into something else, which I think needs to be said.  And hopefully, it will help you understand someone in your life that suffers from Chronic Illness.

Warning Before Reading This Blog Post

The hot topic of suicide is mentioned in this blog post.  I do not approve of suicide, nor am I being judgmental toward anyone who has ever had the thought or tried the act of suicide.  These are my personal thoughts, and I am in no way responsible for anything you or a loved one might do.  I have never, nor do I ever want to do such  a thing.  But the word is in here more than once, and I  want you to know; just in case it is a word that will set off anxiety or anything else in your life.

What I Need Is ... a vacation

Right now, I absolutely need a blog vacation:
I have already slightly indulged in it without the guilt!
willingness on my part to only write 
only that which can be written quickly without angst
is my mantra for the summer.

Please indulge me, as the summer progresses,
And forgive me if I'm not often here
With an encouraging word. 
Wish I was there right now, but I'm here at home.
This picture was taken at Amelia Island, a few years ago.

I need it to get me back on track if that is possible.
 I really don't know for sure I can gain ground physically,
Because I lost a lot this past winter.
 But, I am going to try to not worry about it.
Instead, I am continuing to do a little more gradually,
which is quite exhausting.
Well  perhaps, you don't know how this fatigue thing works, 
and I'm not speaking of the kind of fatigue fairly healthy people have.
Moreover, I forgive you if you cannot even imagine what it feels like 
to have a plethora of symptoms that mount and wane, but it feels
kind of like having influenza all the time and you can never 
quite get over the aches and low, draggy feeling.
And that is only part of the symptoms
 FM - CFS patients deal with.

I would never want anyone to suffer
 through these stupid, hard to explain symptoms 
We Fibromites and ME/CFS people have.
It is by God's Grace and Mercy, I am not totally  mentally disabled 
by the frustration of it all.  I had been in pain for 30 years or
more before I  ever knew I had syndromes.

If it were not for God, I admit that I would probably 
give it up -- everything.
Please don't worry, 
I am not depressed or about to
do anything like suicide.
I know what that is like for family.  
And even though I think the Lord probably forgives those Christians,
Who have momentarily lost their minds and do themselves in. 
I do not think it is right, or fair, or what He would choose for me,
Or anyone for that matter.  It makes me sad to think of it.

But sometimes, I do get very tired of trying
To be healthier,
To keep a strong heart and mind,
Which I know is a gift from God.
I cannot do any of this alone, 
And for those of you who say, 
"God is a crutch!";
I say that He is always Who I have needed, even when I was healthy.
So if you think you don't need Him,
You better think real hard about Eternity.
I am being honest and politically incorrect here, because I care.

I am sorry this is such a long post, 
but the next part has relevance in getting to my main points.
Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor.
The whole morning started badly, brought on by poor sleep,
and having to get up when my body only wanted to rest.

I couldn't find my keys, because I had put them in my Bible Carrier.
They were not in my purse, because I have not driven for
many weeks.  I don't remember the last time I drove. 
I know it has been more than a month.

Anxiety ridden, I got to my appointment.
(I called first -- the receptionist was kind and gave me a later time.)

By the way, for all my dear friends who would quote
Philippian 4:6-7 to me.  
I have known this verse by heart, since I was twenty,  
And it has carried me through many a moment.
I know He guards my heart and my mind.
The Holy Spirit has spoken to me when my heart was broken.
Not in an audible voice, so anyone could hear it, but He has spoken
to me when I least expected it and I am thankful.

The uninitiated often do not understand that
there is an anxiety caused by the broken brain and nerves, 
That will not be squelched.  
I have learned to deal with it.  I know how to visualize, 
contract and relax muscles,
breathe slowly, hold my breath, and breathe again.
My amygdala has been rested,  retrained, and upset again.
I have a flight and fight response that is all ready to go;
but I cannot jog or run anymore to help reset it.
I cannot dance like I used to.
My physical body is broken and battered by illness;  even though,
I worked hard to not be caught by a body that kept me
 from living an active physical life in my more mature years. 

Unfortunately, it caught me earlier than I could have possibly expected.
But, I had fought it, because I knew it was in my genes.

However, I did not expect it, because I exercised and ate very healthily;
also, I  kept my weight down.  
But sometimes,
People get sick anyway.  Oh darn!
That's not fair!

Back to the eye appointment...

My eye appointment was like no other I have ever had:  I was up and down, 
In a chair and out of a chair,
down the narrow hall and back to the same room,  several times.
I never knew so many machines for checking your eyes existed.
And they want me to come back in six months -- really?? 
Maybe, I should call and ask if I have to do all those machines again.
It was way too much
 for a ME/CFS - Fibromyalgia patient to go through 
without someone to drive him or her.

What I Wanted to Do after the Eye Appointment

I had planned the things I wanted to do when I was out by myself in the car.
Ha!  Didn't happen.  After that appointment, 
I didn't look at flowers to plant or go any place, 
The three most necessary .
I got a grilled chicken sandwich, real lemonade (needed a treat).
Thank you Chick-fil-A.
 I have to put a plug in for them, because they helped pay 
For our eldest daughter's education through their 
Winshape scholarship program, which believe me she earned.
But, it was also God's gift to her. 
Sometimes, I have to do a little wave my wings, mommy fluttering.

 With a grateful heart, I went to the new Chick-fil-A restaurant;
and I experienced their typical good cheer and kindness, 
which is comforting.
Then, I went to my pharmacy to pick up my prescription,
 but ended up with more frustration -- due to my own mistaken idea my doctor's office had called in my colonoscopy prep.
At least, I got the pills I had run out of.  My thyroid will appreciate it.

And then I went home, driving while upset -- never a good idea.
I had not been so anxiety-filled in a long time.
That was when I had the "driving off the road thought."

Remember, I told you I am not suicidal,
 but there is an Enemy out there, 
who would like us to be thinking and doing wrong things.
Should you not believe in the supernatural,
 I'm sorry, because it is there.  
God is real and so is the Enemy and His cohorts. 
 I really don't like saying the name.  Read C.S. Lewis and the Bible,
then you will know what I am talking about.  
I would much rather talk about God.

Anyway, as I drove home,
 This was a simple run-down of my thoughts.
I am so sick of feeling like this -- it never ends. 
 I can't do  anything.  I could run into one of those trees.
Oh, it probably wouldn't kill me.  I would just hurt worse
and, God would not like it.  
I had a picture of the air bag inflating, as well as 
being laid up in a hospital in pain.
How am I going to heaven, and say I did it to myself to Jesus?
Nope.  I'm not going to run off the road.  
It would not be fair to my family.
That was the gist of my thoughts.

Since I am the very near relative of two someones who committed suicide, 
I want to tell you that it is a horrible thing to do to your family.
Second of all, I want to tell you that 
your child should never see you  threaten to commit suicide.
Even if you don't ever do it,
She/he will not forget:  it will always be there in his or her mind, 
just waiting to be jolted back into present memory.
I know that memory can come back years later in living color,
because I have experienced it.

A word to you who have had 

the suicidal thought go through your mind...

It is not unforgivable to have the thought, 
nor is it unforgivable to have voiced it, 
or to have started to go through the act.
But I think
you need to ask God's forgiveness, 
your family's forgiveness, 
and most of all 
you need to forgive yourself.
Moreover,  it does no good to dwell in the past.
The past is the past.  
Done.  Gone.  Move on.

Trying to brush it under the rug and hope everyone will forget
did not work for the family I grew up in.  
I knew and I don't know how I knew,
that you never talk about 
Family Business.  
Well, it is not just business.
It is life.  And I have a theory that all families 
are at least slightly Dysfunctional,
Because I thought, we were a very normal and good family,  
 well, most of the time I thought that.
And we were, but...
is there really any family that is perfectly functional?
So to move on, it has to be dealt with in the family. 
If that is not possible for whatever reason;
with God's help you have to do it yourself.

I advise moving on whether or not other family members are able to; because it is unhealthy to be living in the debris of their emotions everyday.  

I am not talking about withdrawing one's love, but you cannot live someone else's life.  You cannot force someone else to change.  
That is what I mean by moving on.
That is why it is so good to have a counselor to talk to,
 because it can help you to get through things that are devastating to you mentally and emotionally.

All of this, and
it was just a simple trip to the eye doctor, right?

Now, I will share my sweet husband's
 understanding and kind reactions to all of this.
He did come home from work to check on me. 
And after I had a nap, 
He took me to get the makeup I had meant to buy that day.
On a second trip that evening, he took me to McDonald's 
for a hot fudge sundae.
He left a TV baseball game to do that.
Wasn't that sweet?

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It's always lovely hearing from you. xoxo, Deborah