Admitting Something Is Too Much, Even When It Makes You Cry

Remember last week, when I was all excited about bringing the kitten home from the veterinarian's office.  I thought I could handle one little kitten, and I was determined to do it, even when one day in, I was extended beyond my energy level. Every morning, I kept telling myself, it was a good one;  and then, I crashed.

I am very glad the animal doctor said, "You can bring the kitten back if it doesn't work out."   She meant if my husband said, "No." Which he did not say.

However, I can see I am not kitten mommy material anymore.  A kitten is one more responsibility I do not need.  As delightful as the cat baby was, it was taking too much energy from me.  When I am unable to do some of my household duties, my husband assumes some of the responsibilities that were always my domain;  and, he did not need to care for a cat too, which was starting to happen.  

I admitted to him last night that I knew the kitten was taxing me beyond the number of spoons I have, so I had to make a decision.  Today, I called the veterinarian, and the kitty went back.  I pray she finds a good home with someone that gives her as much love, as she is willing to give back. 

It's hard to admit I cannot do the kitty mommy thing, but that is just the way it is.  It was hard when I had to give up other things too.  So, I cried.  But, I know I did the right thing for the kitten and us.  It is important to be considerate of my husband, who is often thrown into the role of caregiver.

It will be interesting if some of the stress that I felt building up lessens after making this decision.  It was the grown-up thing to do.  Hmm....I guess it was part of that magical thinking I had last week.  

Have you ever felt like you could take something on;  and then, you realized it was more than you should have planned to do?   Did you let your heart take over;  and then, you took a hit at your self-esteem?

I admit to telling myself, "I'm a bad kitten mommy."  But the truth is that I am a conscientious and loving person, who did not want to say, "I am too ill for this."  That is what I did not want to admit.    

Why am I telling you this?  Because, there are times we have to be honest and admit that as much as we like the idea of doing something or would like to if we were healthy, it is all right to say, "No!"  Deciding it is not a good idea to add a pet to your home or take on a new responsibility should not make you feel like a negligent or a bad person.  Only you can decide what is right for your body and situation.  Don't ever feel bad for utilizing the wisdom you have gained over the years.  This is your right and your responsibility.  Wear it well, and take care of yourself.

~Deborah~

Courage to Leave the Room

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are energy drainers.  People who have FM and CFS do not have bodies that produce energy as quickly those who have healthy bodies.  Therefore, even when you are feeling good, you have to remember to pace yourself.  Listen to your body when it starts telling you you have had enough of an activity.  If you have been sick for very long, you usually sense when it is time to stop whatever you are doing.

However, I know it is often hard to just stop.  If you are in the middle of an activity, you want to finish -- at least, I do.  Therefore, consider yourself in the midst of retraining, which will take as much persistence as the goal to complete a task.  A good example of this is my return to choir rehearsal, which is something I want to do, but I often am  without the energy to be a regular member of the choir.  I am blessed to have developed good musical skills over the years, so our minister of music is happy when I can be there.  However, when I am there I often give out before the end of choir rehearsal -- even if I was careful during the day to save energy for it.

So what do you and I do if we give out during our activities?  In my case, my outside activities are volunteer, and the other participants "know" I am ill.  Supposedly, that should make it easier for me to do what I need to do to be able to do, which is rest;  however, my pride gets in the way.  It is embarrassing to get up and walk out of the room before the last song is sung.

Last night, I arrived at choir rehearsal early, which eliminated the stress of feeling rushed.  I was able to leisurely get my music and my rehearsal format, then find a seat.  I enjoyed chatting with other choir members as they walked into the room.  --so far, I was alright--  I  listened to the devotional and sang through the first few songs.  Then, I felt it:  panic attack or chronic fatigue.  Which was it?  Usually, I know;  however, it was mild;  so, I stopped singing and tried to relax.  I felt like I needed to leave the room and go home.  But, I was getting closer to the end of the hour long rehearsal, so I stayed, which was a mistake.

My body was telling me, "Rest, Deborah."  And like so many other times in my life, I didn't have the courage to leave.  I was too worried about what other people would think.  Moreover, I like to finish what I started, but I cannot always do that in the allotted time.

Image Courtesy of [Sattva] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For those who have read Got All My Marbles?, you are familiar with counting marbles for the activities, that you do during the day.  When I do remember to move my marbles from one bowl to another, it is an easy way to pace myself.  It is a visible reminder, I need to slow down or suffer the consequences, which could be anything from disturbed sleep to having a flare-up.  I thought it might be enlightening to count my marbles in what I thought was a not too heavy day.  

1.  Make brunch  2.  Check email  3.  Read friend's blog, comment  4.  Check social media  5.  Respond to comment on my blog  6.  Write blog post  7.  Send blog post to various social media  8. Shower, Dress  9. Put on makeup, Blow hair dry, style   10.  Scrape out peanut butter jar and eat, fix ice water and waffle, eat on way to rehearsal  11. Hunt for umbrella, secure house, walk to rehearsal in drizzle  12.  Choir Rehearsal  13.  Walk home
14.  Scrub and cook potato in microwave, cut leftover roast, get out vegetables, heat my  meat and vegetables, fix bake potato -- finally sit down and eat supper.  15.  After an hour or so break, wash dishes by hand, wipe off counter, and shine sink.     

Image Courtesy of [Maggie Smith] / FreeDigitalPhots.net

It's obvious I went over 12 marbles, and as you know from your own daily lives that does not count the incidentals during the day.  Some things, don't seem to take as much energy, but I think you would be surprised how much thinking and emotion figure into the equation.  That's probably no eye-opener for you, but I think many of our healthy friends and family don't understand how all these things add up to affect us even into the next day;  nor, do I  think our healthy doctors understand how we feel.    

So I didn't walk out of the choir room when my body was telling me go home.  After last night, I think that is going to change.  My choir director, who is also my husband says do what I need to do.  He knows my work at home is affected by everything from overdoing to weather.  

The point is you and I are the ones responsible for doing what we need to do, so that we do not throw ourselves into a bad day or a flare-up.  Even then, when we are pacing ourselves, there are often outside factors that affect our energy that we have no control over.  I encourage you to plan ways that you can rest or back off when you need to.  If you are able to go to the zoo, find a bench or a table in the shade to rest.  Don't be afraid to tell your family that you need to go back to the car to close your eyes.  Sit down on a bench in the grocery store or use an electric cart on those days you are extra fatigued.  Forget about embarrassment.  It is not other people's jobs to judge what we need to keep our bodies functioning.  However, it is our privilege and responsibility to exercise self control and make good decisions.  This will help to make you a better family member, neighbor and friend.  It will give you more energy to use in serving others.  To lead more satisfying lives, FM/CFS patients need to incorporate the techniques that help us pace ourselves in a realistic way.

Resting Is Doing Something

I would love to follow FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps without any break in the chain of habits I am establishing;  however, that is not always possible.  Since I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, there are days that I do not have the energy to accomplish the things I want to do.  In fact, that was the beginning of me learning how to balance my life changes.  Now, I am dealing with hip and ball joint arthritis too, so I am glad I don't suffer from the guilt that used to consume me when I went through the months of having no energy to do anything.  The negative thoughts, which  would come into my head telling me how worthless I am.  That would fan the flames of depression, and I would get caught in a cycle that made me feel stuck and worthless.

I am so thankful for learning to speak kindly to myself.  FlyLady's acronym FLY,  finally loving yourself, is an apt description of what I am doing.  I am learning I can accomplish things in very small steps, that are appropriate to my energy level.   When I do a few minutes of one thing on my To Do List, it is reason to celebrate.  I feel like I have accomplished something, which leads me to do something else.  Some days, I have to put the brakes on, or I pay with increased pain and fatigue. 

And some days like yesterday, I have to stay off my feet because of the pain; and I let my body rest.  I push away any feelings of guilt, knowing that because of the small things I did yesterday, I am that much closer to having a clutter free house.

P.S. Why do I say, I am learning,  instead of I have learned?  For me, learning to balance my life is not something I can jump into and say I am done.  It is a process I started with very small steps.  There is no magic pill that will help me change instantly.  As much as I would like that to be true for me, it just isn't.  However, I can see that the concept of baby steps works in my life.  I can see the changes in me, and how I handle my infirmities.  It has taken several years of trial and error, of searching, and of babysteps for me to feel good about myself.  Am I doing it perfectly?  No, but I am doing it:  I am in the process of learning to balancing life changes.

Is That Directed Towards Me?

"Behind the Veil of Pain'
Why do others think they can judge what is going
on in our bodies and minds, when they are not
our doctors or they choose not to understand our illnesses?

Have you ever felt a comment was directed towards you, by someone who doesn't understand your situation?  I experienced that today; and although I found it unsettling, I was not thrown into utter dejection, so I must be mastering the art of taking responsibility for my own care.  I have learned to pace myself and do only what I can do for that day.  If I don't I will pay and my family will too, because I'll have several days or more that I have no energy. I have learned that I have a new normal that I can live with.  I do not spend time berating myself over not getting things done that used to be easy for me.  I am not saying that I would not like to do more, but I have learned to be happy about the things I am able to do.  I cannot help what someone else thinks--in fact, I could be wrong--perhaps that comment was not directed towards me.  I am the one who lives within my body, and I know what I have done during a day;  therefore, I have to pace myself according to my own needs--not try to meet what I think is someone else's expectations.