My Ultimate Comfort in Good Times and Bad

I have written two things here:  how I have felt since yesterday, which could be chalked up to how the brain chemicals work in those of us who have FM and CFS.  However, there is a comfort that underlies everything in my life, which I feel I must share.  Why?  Because, I care about what happens to you.  I cannot be there or carry everyone's load;  however, there is someone who can.

I would love to have you join my friends at Holley Gerth's (holleygerth.com) for our Wednesday link-up. There is lots of super encouragement for everyone.

June is here:  four days into it already.  Have you been planning how you can manage through the hot weather and vacations?  Or, maybe this is the time of year, family comes to visit you.  There are so many things to think about.

The last couple of days I have felt this little underlying frisson of anxiety.  Healthcare is becoming more difficult, because it seems the people we pay want me to jump through more hoops to satisfy their requirements.  That gets to me;  and if I were a doctor or one of his assistants that call these things in or send them in, I would probably not appreciate the extra work.

Moreover, I am thinking of the things I want to do and have not gotten to.  Who and when will we visit certain people, or when will they visit us?  And. then there are the things I want to do around here:  projects inside and outside.

However, when one slows down and thinks of what really matters.  First, he or she needs to realize anxiety can be quelled.  One of my favorite Bible verses is Philippians 4:6-7.

 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV)   

The truth is I have not been spending enough time doing exactly what this verse says.  I also find I am calmer when I spend time reading God's word, the Bible, as well as praying.   

 I know some of you may not believe as I do;  and, that is something you are free to do -- to not believe.  God does not force any of us to believe in Him or His Son;  however, He is waiting.  The door is open for all who believe that Jesus died on the cross, paid for their sins, and He arose from the dead.  I guess you are surprised to hear such an open invitation.  And that is because I feel I would be remiss if I did not openly share  the door that opens to God and Heaven.  Someday, that is something we all face -- just as we are born into this world, we go out of this world.  There is no fear for the faithful, for those that truly know Jesus.  It has nothing to do with us doing good deeds or being good enough.  None of us can be good enough. 

I just read a wonderful article from The Word Is Near You by  Anastasios Kioulachoglou:

"His Word is not a puzzle. They didn’t [ You don't] have to go up to the heaven or over the sea to find it. They didn’t [ you don't ]  have to become ponderous or professors of theology to understand it. It was very close, in their mouth and heart. And these are the words, the Spirit of God uses to speak about the faith in the incarnate Word of God, the Lord Jesus Christ. You do not need to turn heaven and earth upside down to find the salvation. You do not need to go over the sea. You do not need to become heavy with much knowledge in order to understand what you should do. The Word of God is near you. In your mouth and in your heart. And this is summed up in the following phrase: 'that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved' The word of salvation is simple, as simple as the above phrase. There is no need for heavy studies, for pursuits in theology and religions. There is no need of knowledge of special things for which only some have the key and you have to go out and search for them. None of this is needed. It is simply you and God. God has called you. He has called you to confess Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that He has raised Him from the dead. You now have to make a decision whether you will follow, you will believe, this so near word of faith. These are not things far or difficult or mysterious. They are very near you. The salvation is so near you as your heart for the faith and your mouth for the confession. And as the Word of God exhorts: II Corinthians 6:2"Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.' " 

(Updated) Digressing from Needing a Vacation: Hot Topic

Update:  Every once in a while, I catch myself in such a badly written post, I have to do some editing.  While I would not pronounce this perfect, it is more readable.

This blog is supposed to be about needing a vacation, but it digressed into something else, which I think needs to be said.  And hopefully, it will help you understand someone in your life that suffers from Chronic Illness.

Warning Before Reading This Blog Post

The hot topic of suicide is mentioned in this blog post.  I do not approve of suicide, nor am I being judgmental toward anyone who has ever had the thought or tried the act of suicide.  These are my personal thoughts, and I am in no way responsible for anything you or a loved one might do.  I have never, nor do I ever want to do such  a thing.  But the word is in here more than once, and I  want you to know; just in case it is a word that will set off anxiety or anything else in your life.

What I Need Is ... a vacation

Right now, I absolutely need a blog vacation:

I have already slightly indulged in it without the guilt!

A willingness on my part to only write 

only that which can be written quickly without angst
is my mantra for the summer.

Please indulge me, as the summer progresses,

And forgive me if I'm not often here

With an encouraging word. 

Wish I was there right now, but I'm here at home.
This picture was taken at Amelia Island, a few years ago.

I need it to get me back on track if that is possible.

 I really don't know for sure I can gain ground physically,

Because I lost a lot this past winter.

 But, I am going to try to not worry about it.

Instead, I am continuing to do a little more gradually,

which is quite exhausting.

  

Well  perhaps, you don't know how this fatigue thing works, 
and I'm not speaking of the kind of fatigue fairly healthy people have.

Moreover, I forgive you if you cannot even imagine what it feels like 

to have a plethora of symptoms that mount and wane, but it feels
kind of like having influenza all the time and you can never 
quite get over the aches and low, draggy feeling.
And that is only part of the symptoms
 FM - CFS patients deal with.

I would never want anyone to suffer

 through these stupid, hard to explain symptoms 

We Fibromites and ME/CFS people have.
It is by God's Grace and Mercy, I am not totally  mentally disabled 
by the frustration of it all.  I had been in pain for 30 years or
more before I  ever knew I had syndromes.

If it were not for God, I admit that I would probably 

give it up -- everything.

Please don't worry, 

I am not depressed or about to

do anything like suicide.

I know what that is like for family.  

And even though I think the Lord probably forgives those Christians,

Who have momentarily lost their minds and do themselves in. 

I do not think it is right, or fair, or what He would choose for me,

Or anyone for that matter.  It makes me sad to think of it.

But sometimes, I do get very tired of trying

To be healthier,

To keep a strong heart and mind,

Which I know is a gift from God.

I cannot do any of this alone, 

And for those of you who say, 

"God is a crutch!";

I say that He is always Who I have needed, even when I was healthy.

So if you think you don't need Him,

You better think real hard about Eternity.
I am being honest and politically incorrect here, because I care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sorry this is such a long post, 
but the next part has relevance in getting to my main points.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor.

The whole morning started badly, brought on by poor sleep,

and having to get up when my body only wanted to rest.

I couldn't find my keys, because I had put them in my Bible Carrier.

They were not in my purse, because I have not driven for

?????????????

many weeks.  I don't remember the last time I drove. 

I know it has been more than a month.

Anxiety ridden, I got to my appointment.

(I called first -- the receptionist was kind and gave me a later time.)

By the way, for all my dear friends who would quote

Philippian 4:6-7 to me.  

I have known this verse by heart, since I was twenty,  

And it has carried me through many a moment.
I know He guards my heart and my mind.
The Holy Spirit has spoken to me when my heart was broken.
Not in an audible voice, so anyone could hear it, but He has spoken
to me when I least expected it and I am thankful.

The uninitiated often do not understand that
there is an anxiety caused by the broken brain and nerves, 

That will not be squelched.  

I have learned to deal with it.  I know how to visualize, 

contract and relax muscles,

breathe slowly, hold my breath, and breathe again.

My amygdala has been rested,  retrained, and upset again.

I have a flight and fight response that is all ready to go;

but I cannot jog or run anymore to help reset it.

I cannot dance like I used to.

My physical body is broken and battered by illness;  even though,

I worked hard to not be caught by a body that kept me
 from living an active physical life in my more mature years. 

Unfortunately, it caught me earlier than I could have possibly expected.
But, I had fought it, because I knew it was in my genes.

However, I did not expect it, because I exercised and ate very healthily;

also, I  kept my weight down.  

But sometimes,
People get sick anyway.  Oh darn!

That's not fair!

Back to the eye appointment...

My eye appointment was like no other I have ever had:  I was up and down, 

In a chair and out of a chair,

down the narrow hall and back to the same room,  several times.

I never knew so many machines for checking your eyes existed.

And they want me to come back in six months -- really?? 

Maybe, I should call and ask if I have to do all those machines again.

It was way too much
 for a ME/CFS - Fibromyalgia patient to go through 

without someone to drive him or her.

What I Wanted to Do after the Eye Appointment

I had planned the things I wanted to do when I was out by myself in the car.

Ha!  Didn't happen.  After that appointment, 
I didn't look at flowers to plant or go any place, 
Except 

The three most necessary .

I got a grilled chicken sandwich, real lemonade (needed a treat).

Thank you Chick-fil-A.

 I have to put a plug in for them, because they helped pay 

For our eldest daughter's education through their 

Winshape scholarship program, which believe me she earned.
But, it was also God's gift to her. 

Sometimes, I have to do a little wave my wings, mommy fluttering.

 With a grateful heart, I went to the new Chick-fil-A restaurant;

and I experienced their typical good cheer and kindness, 
which is comforting.

Then, I went to my pharmacy to pick up my prescription,
 but ended up with more frustration -- due to my own mistaken idea my doctor's office had called in my colonoscopy prep.

At least, I got the pills I had run out of.  My thyroid will appreciate it.

And then I went home, driving while upset -- never a good idea.

I had not been so anxiety-filled in a long time.

That was when I had the "driving off the road thought."

Remember, I told you I am not suicidal,
 but there is an Enemy out there, 

who would like us to be thinking and doing wrong things.
Should you not believe in the supernatural,
 I'm sorry, because it is there.  
God is real and so is the Enemy and His cohorts. 
 I really don't like saying the name.  Read C.S. Lewis and the Bible,
then you will know what I am talking about.  
I would much rather talk about God.

Anyway, as I drove home,
 This was a simple run-down of my thoughts.

I am so sick of feeling like this -- it never ends. 
 I can't do  anything.  I could run into one of those trees.

Oh, it probably wouldn't kill me.  I would just hurt worse
and, God would not like it.  
I had a picture of the air bag inflating, as well as 
being laid up in a hospital in pain.

How am I going to heaven, and say I did it to myself to Jesus?
Nope.  I'm not going to run off the road.  
It would not be fair to my family.
That was the gist of my thoughts.

Since I am the very near relative of two someones who committed suicide, 

I want to tell you that it is a horrible thing to do to your family.

Second of all, I want to tell you that 

your child should never see you  threaten to commit suicide.
Even if you don't ever do it,

She/he will not forget:  it will always be there in his or her mind, 

just waiting to be jolted back into present memory.
I know that memory can come back years later in living color,
because I have experienced it.

A word to you who have had 

the suicidal thought go through your mind...

It is not unforgivable to have the thought, 

nor is it unforgivable to have voiced it, 

or to have started to go through the act.
But I think

you need to ask God's forgiveness, 
your family's forgiveness, 

and most of all 

you need to forgive yourself.

Moreover,  it does no good to dwell in the past.

The past is the past.  
Done.  Gone.  Move on.

Trying to brush it under the rug and hope everyone will forget

did not work for the family I grew up in.  

I knew and I don't know how I knew,

that you never talk about 

Family Business.  

Well, it is not just business.

It is life.  And I have a theory that all families 

are at least slightly Dysfunctional,

Because I thought, we were a very normal and good family,  

 well, most of the time I thought that.

And we were, but...
is there really any family that is perfectly functional?

So to move on, it has to be dealt with in the family. 
If that is not possible for whatever reason;

with God's help you have to do it yourself.

I advise moving on whether or not other family members are able to; because it is unhealthy to be living in the debris of their emotions everyday.  

I am not talking about withdrawing one's love, but you cannot live someone else's life.  You cannot force someone else to change.  
That is what I mean by moving on.
That is why it is so good to have a counselor to talk to,
 because it can help you to get through things that are devastating to you mentally and emotionally.

All of this, and

it was just a simple trip to the eye doctor, right?

Now, I will share my sweet husband's
 understanding and kind reactions to all of this.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

He did come home from work to check on me. 

And after I had a nap, 

He took me to get the makeup I had meant to buy that day.

On a second trip that evening, he took me to McDonald's 
for a hot fudge sundae.

He left a TV baseball game to do that.

Wasn't that sweet?

Stagnation versus Change



My Puppy and Bear  -  photo by D. Bolton

      When one has a chronic illness, change sometimes becomes the enemy.  Change means one has to move from the little niche that has kept one mentally and emotionally safe. However, even when one feels safe, stagnancy can creep in making one needy within,  I am not saying that one should feel guilty at being in a cocoon for a time.  Butterflies need cocoons.  Bears and other animals need safe places to hibernate in the winter.  And sometimes, a person needs to step back into his/her safe place and stay there for a while. However, eventually, one needs to move from Point A to Point B:  or, he/she becomes withered and diseased to the core of one’s soul.



Me and One Small Change
photo by courtsey of my 
sweet husband taken
for me.

How does a person, who is ill, do this?  I can testify to how I have done it, and how I am still doing it.  I have taken baby steps.  I have even thought back to my development as a child; and in a sense, I have allowed myself to become that child again. This may sound strange, but it is really very simple.  And believe me, SIMPLE, is just what I have needed to make my move.  Anything complicated has only served to frustrate me and has ended in failure, so simple baby steps have been something I welcomed.

First of all, I want you to know that I had not turned in my adult card.  I may have brain fog occasionally, and I may have brain glitches, forgetting a word or name here and there; however, my faculties are fine.  I still have a working computer in my head.  I make more lists than I used to, and I have been known to forget my lists.  I also do better if I place my purse in one of 2 places it usually ends up when I come home, and my keys really need to be in my purse.  You get the general idea, I am sure.

Secondly, I need you to know that my period of hibernation -- not convalescence, since that implies one has actually healed--had bred some bad habits.  Or perhaps, it was that I had a loss of good habits. I especially abhorred the loss of my good habits, which I identified so many years as being the me I knew.  I became someone I no longer recognized at times, and I hated that.  I had become stagnant and diseased in things that were not my illness, and I struggled to get out of the mire; but, it was too difficult to pull myself out.  And apparently, no one else could either, or could he/she?

That leaves me to the final thing for this long-winded blog.  There was one thing, one person, but I had to listen very carefully, because I had not been able to when I was in my deepest fogs.  The person that helped me the most in physical and emotional comfort was my kind and patient husband, who could not change me from within.  He could pray for me, as could family, friends, and counselors; however, none of them could change me. The one person that could take me out of this stagnation was God.  In my heart I knew that He would help me, although the road was longer than I liked.  I nearly lost my faith on the way:  I certainly had doubts.  The road was longer than I liked, but I had / have lessons to learn along the way.  This is the first baby-step in my road;  for without this one, no other step is possible.

And He has helped me.  I was already a Believer, but my faith was tattered and torn, and full of a few bullet holes--not literal bullet holes, but painful nevertheless.  I took my sparrow-sized faith to God through Jesus Christ my Savior, and asked Him to help me, to restore the joy of my salvation -- and He has--glorious God that He is.  He is teaching me as I go, retraining me gently, as any loving father would do for his wounded child.  How I love Him!  And how thankful I am that God has not given up on me  -- or you. 


 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find ; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives ; and he who seeks, finds ; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish ; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" ( Luke 11: 9-13, NASV)

P.S.  I am not saying by posting pictures of my puppy that one should get a dog.  That is just one of many changes, that came about among days, months, and years of others.  Nor am I saying change is easy.  It took change for me to become as ill as I was, only it overwhelmed me with illness' insidious entry into my life.  Life circumstances, medications, and becoming more sedentary (despite efforts to continue being active) loomed over me, until the proverbial straw broke; and I was a shut-in (in more ways than one).  It would take a book to answer the questions that I think readers have.  I will say more in future installments, hopefully not 9 months from now.  (wry smiley)