From Numbness to Normalcy

A friend of mine said something important to me the day before yesterday:  IT'S NOT WORTH IT...it's not worth it for me to be robbed of the joy and peace in my life because of another person and their problems that seem to affect it ... let it go... and keep releasing it to the Lord...casting down vain imaginations to Jesus.  That made me think about something.  What are vain imaginations?  How did that apply to my situation?

For those of us that have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, one of the symptoms can be an overactive fight and flight syndrome.  Quite often we are sensitive people who have a hard time recovering once those chemicals get released in our body.  I'm not going to get into the scientific explanation, which you can probably read in half a dozen other places.  Instead, I want to talk about how it makes us feel, and how we can get through the effects of the adrenaline surge.

courtesy of [stock images]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but if I was a betting person, I would say you have.  So I am going to get personal.  First, there is the pain and anger to deal with -- the disruption of peace and normalcy in your life.  It hurts with the grief, anger, and confusion filling your body.  You want to get away from the source of the pain, so you start considering how you can do this, especially if it has happened before.  I think that is where the vain imagination comes in, because in this heightened state of mental/emotional pain, it is hard to think clearly.  In my case, I found it best to pray and spend some time alone after the onslaught of adrenaline in my body;  however, there may be those who cannot stay at home because of physical abuse from another person being a danger.  You should not stay in a situation that is dangerous.  

An aside to what I am saying about the sensitivity of an overtired FM/CFS patient is that even peaceful, loving families have their moments when someone gets frustrated or angry.  It may not happen very often, but it is hard for people who have chronic illnesses to deal with.  We already are living on a balance beam, pacing ourselves, and a crisis of this sort can throw us over the cliff, so to speak, leaving us feeling as if we will never feel right again.  I have had advice to go to another person to make things right, but sometimes I have to have a cooling down time for my body to recover before I can handle even that.  I think you have to know the other party to a degree and handle some situations delicately for you and that person.  It takes a dose of wisdom, especially if you are dealing with a person that acted improperly towards you, such as listening through keyholes, offering unasked for advice, complaining all the time, or actually cornering you and forcing his or her opinion on you. And those are only a few of the things that cause dissension in a family.     

My point is that one who has FM and CFS may have heightened reactions, especially if that person has already been drained of energy.  This happens to so many people around the holidays, even to people who do not have chronic illnesses.  Routines are disrupted;  one's space is invaded.  Maybe some people have to give up their comfortable retreats to accommodate someone else that does not normally live at one's house.  Whether fight and flight syndrome is activated by a disagreement or a compilation of slights, there is usually something that sets it off, such as an argument, emergency, or even something that should be insignificant in the scheme of life.

Yesterday, I was still in the numb stage.  As a Christian, I am thankful to know that the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God (NASB, Romans 8:26-27).  Once I was able to focus an read God's word, I was able to think clearer and feel more normal.  I felt at peace again.  However, I believe it takes time for the body and mind to heal, unless of course, God heals one instantly.  Sometimes, it takes more faith for one who is hurting to persevere, than for someone who is not suffering in some way. 

Also, if you have a trusted friend, whom you can share some of your hurt with, it helps.  I am not talking about airing all your "dirty" laundry.  Use your common sense.  You do not want to cause someone else to be hurt by gossip or change someone's opinion about a usually nice person.  Let's face it -- none of us are perfect.  However, if you have a discreet friend or discreet friends that will pray for you, that can be a helpful road to recovery.  My friends not only prayed for me:  they offered wisdom and solace.  I did not have to tell them every detail of what caused my pain, only that I was in pain;  and I needed help.  I am grateful for my Christian prayer group.

P.S.  Another friend mentioned letting things roll off my back.  I can do that sometimes by considering the problems of the person who is being difficult.  Actually, I had already done that quite a bit this time.  Some people would say there are some things that are not forgivable, but if God can forgive me for my sins; then, I think I need to be able to forgive other people their sins against me.  Holding bitterness in one's heart, hurts the person holding the bitterness;  while the person that made one angry or hurt may already have forgotten the problem.  In the Lord's Prayer it says: forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  Jesus said that, so He must have thought it very important we forgive others to be living an abundant, balanced life.  Have you ever known a happy, bitter person?  Nah...I haven't either.

God bless you, and may your life be more peaceful in 2013.

Stagnation versus Change



My Puppy and Bear  -  photo by D. Bolton

      When one has a chronic illness, change sometimes becomes the enemy.  Change means one has to move from the little niche that has kept one mentally and emotionally safe. However, even when one feels safe, stagnancy can creep in making one needy within,  I am not saying that one should feel guilty at being in a cocoon for a time.  Butterflies need cocoons.  Bears and other animals need safe places to hibernate in the winter.  And sometimes, a person needs to step back into his/her safe place and stay there for a while. However, eventually, one needs to move from Point A to Point B:  or, he/she becomes withered and diseased to the core of one’s soul.



Me and One Small Change
photo by courtsey of my 
sweet husband taken
for me.

How does a person, who is ill, do this?  I can testify to how I have done it, and how I am still doing it.  I have taken baby steps.  I have even thought back to my development as a child; and in a sense, I have allowed myself to become that child again. This may sound strange, but it is really very simple.  And believe me, SIMPLE, is just what I have needed to make my move.  Anything complicated has only served to frustrate me and has ended in failure, so simple baby steps have been something I welcomed.

First of all, I want you to know that I had not turned in my adult card.  I may have brain fog occasionally, and I may have brain glitches, forgetting a word or name here and there; however, my faculties are fine.  I still have a working computer in my head.  I make more lists than I used to, and I have been known to forget my lists.  I also do better if I place my purse in one of 2 places it usually ends up when I come home, and my keys really need to be in my purse.  You get the general idea, I am sure.

Secondly, I need you to know that my period of hibernation -- not convalescence, since that implies one has actually healed--had bred some bad habits.  Or perhaps, it was that I had a loss of good habits. I especially abhorred the loss of my good habits, which I identified so many years as being the me I knew.  I became someone I no longer recognized at times, and I hated that.  I had become stagnant and diseased in things that were not my illness, and I struggled to get out of the mire; but, it was too difficult to pull myself out.  And apparently, no one else could either, or could he/she?

That leaves me to the final thing for this long-winded blog.  There was one thing, one person, but I had to listen very carefully, because I had not been able to when I was in my deepest fogs.  The person that helped me the most in physical and emotional comfort was my kind and patient husband, who could not change me from within.  He could pray for me, as could family, friends, and counselors; however, none of them could change me. The one person that could take me out of this stagnation was God.  In my heart I knew that He would help me, although the road was longer than I liked.  I nearly lost my faith on the way:  I certainly had doubts.  The road was longer than I liked, but I had / have lessons to learn along the way.  This is the first baby-step in my road;  for without this one, no other step is possible.

And He has helped me.  I was already a Believer, but my faith was tattered and torn, and full of a few bullet holes--not literal bullet holes, but painful nevertheless.  I took my sparrow-sized faith to God through Jesus Christ my Savior, and asked Him to help me, to restore the joy of my salvation -- and He has--glorious God that He is.  He is teaching me as I go, retraining me gently, as any loving father would do for his wounded child.  How I love Him!  And how thankful I am that God has not given up on me  -- or you. 


 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find ; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives ; and he who seeks, finds ; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish ; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" ( Luke 11: 9-13, NASV)

P.S.  I am not saying by posting pictures of my puppy that one should get a dog.  That is just one of many changes, that came about among days, months, and years of others.  Nor am I saying change is easy.  It took change for me to become as ill as I was, only it overwhelmed me with illness' insidious entry into my life.  Life circumstances, medications, and becoming more sedentary (despite efforts to continue being active) loomed over me, until the proverbial straw broke; and I was a shut-in (in more ways than one).  It would take a book to answer the questions that I think readers have.  I will say more in future installments, hopefully not 9 months from now.  (wry smiley)