The First Christmas Supper 2012

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Tonight is the night of the first Christmas Supper of 2012 for me.  I don't go out much anymore, so I look forward to it, but I also feel a bit of anxiety.  When my husband came home for lunch, I asked him teasingly, "Should I go for beautiful or sick tonight."  Those of you who have Fibromyalgia or/and CFIDS probably know what I was feeling when I said that.  I was thinking about those people who know church services I have missed, etc., and when they see me, I don't look sick.  And I have to say that I don't really want to look sick.  I just get frustrated when I know there are people that probably don't believe it.  I admit -- I am still afraid of being judged.  By the way, I still vote for looking the best I can look.

As much as I know about my illness, there are times I get so frustrated with myself -- I still have moments I have to let putting out energy remind me that life in the Chronic Fatigue Immune Defiency Syndrome realm is never going to be normal, unless a miracle occurs.  I wish someone would tell me why I still feel guilty about something I can't help.  I don't carry that guilt around every moment, but it hits sometimes.

There are things I could probably do if I could afford to have people to do some of the things I have to do at home.  However, I have to make a choice;  and the basic things of life need to be done.  My husband is getting older too.  When I can cook supper, wash clothes, or clean the areas in the house that need to be cleaned, I am helping him.  That is the way I can support his ministry in our church, which still makes it our ministry because I am his helpmate.  I want to sing in the choir, go to every service, play piano, sing solos and do all the things I used to do.  Sometimes, I am so sad I cannot do this, but someday I will be praising my God in Heaven with more energy than I ever had.  I will be able to dance on my toes for Him and leap in the air, and sing too.  So I praise God with all my heart that He just put this picture in my mind to share.

For all you out there that have any chronic illness:  Merry Christmas!  We do not need to fear or grieve, but praise God that in the name of Jesus, we will one day be whole.

P.S.  I won't be writing as much during the Christmas Season, but I always try to remember to post it.  I will also check into a place for you to subscribe.
Love,
Deborah

Write down what I hear? - Day 5

What?  Write down what I hear?  Let's see -- the air conditioner, my husband's snoring, the dog's snoring--is that what FlyLady means?  Or maybe when I see my grandchildren, I should be writing down the sweet things they say.  But no;  as I read more, I understand.  She wants me to write down what the negative voices in my head are saying. "How am I going to get anything done today?  I haven't had any sleep", is one thought that has been running through my brain.  Insomnia is awful; furthermore, once I go to sleep, I get in a rut of going to bed late--very late--and waking up late.  So the cycle continues.  I thought I had it solved when we got sweet puppy, because I had to get up early to take her out.  Well, at least she has no problem sleeping.


Lucky Dog -- She sleeps like a baby.

 I know you didn't come here to read about negative voices, because they can get so depressing; but, did you see how I began to ruminate over not sleeping?  Even my seemingly positive "well, at least she has no problem sleeping" sounded envious.  I can hear the negative tone of voice in my head every time I read that sentence. 

Thankfully, I have already been working on my negative voices; and, I can see the value of writing them down if I come up with a better positive.  However, the most valuable tool I have found comes from my faith.   I went to the Bible to find answers for the negative voices, which are usually formed by anxiety or worry.  Lately, I have spent much of my time in Matthew 6.  There is a very juicy section in Matthew 6: 25-34 on how we should handle our anxiety.  One of the scriptures that has recently been very close to my heart is, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34, NASV).  It fits right in with my resolve to experience the moment I am in, rather than regretting the past or worrying about the future.  And I can truthfully tell you, I am seeing the results in my life.

Am I enjoying my life more?  Yes.  Have I reached perfection in my thought life?  No.  Is it worth the time and effort to remind myself everyday to chase away those negative thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are healthy?  I say, "Yes!  A resounding yes!"   Philippians 4:8 says it better than I can:  "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV)

Note:  I have always found it helpful to read Bible verses in context;  moreover,  I have found the writings of some authors do not agree with scripture, when I compared what they were saying with the verses before and after their quotes.  Reading the Bible in context means reading what comes before and after the quoted verse.  One might have to read an entire chapter to understand the true meaning of the text.  I have often found that God speaks to me personally through reading scripture in context.  I believe that I should be careful to make sure the text I am reading agrees with scripture, and not blindly accept everything I read or hear.