When Depression Hits

Depression is  a word that evokes uncomfortable memories for me.  For some people, it means they feel a little off or blue.  But the depression I am thinking of is a numbing, painful, I want to get away from myself.  The kind I am talking about hits at the heart of my motivation, and I used to feel  this way for day on end.  This description only gets to the basics of how depression feels, but when it hits, I have to wait it out.

Sometimes, I can force myself to do things around the house or get outside;  and sometimes I can avoid feeling it by reading.  It is still there, but my mind is off it.  I have done visualizations if it had to do with anxiety, as well as exercises that relax muscles.  I used to go on a good run, which raises endorphins.  How I miss that solution.  I sometimes wonder if my doctor would ever believe I was a slim runner, walker, hiker, tennis player, swimmer, dancer type.  How I miss being able to do those things.

Anyhow, every once in a while, I wake up and as the morning progresses, I realize I am depressed.  It used to happen all the time.  I am thankful it has not been that way much, not since I found out I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and have gotten treatment for it.  I wonder why this happens out of the blue;  but now, I feel a bit suspicious;  because I have not been as careful about taking my supplements.  I've been too busy with other things, and the supplements are usually what suffer.  Why I let this happen is beyond me, when I know they make a difference.

Perhaps, the reason I easily let the supplements go is that I do not remember to take them, unless I refill the weekly container, a job I dislike.  Maybe, it goes back to my dislike of taking pills.  I really don't know.  But that is one job on which I tend to procrastinate. 

Today, I finally had to take a pill for anxiety, and I had to go back to bed.  Sometimes, that helps me wait it out.  I also prayed for release from this, and asked God to surround me with His hedge of protection.  Hopefully, I will be back on track tomorrow.  I feel better tonight.

One supplement I will be taking everyday, which I have been leaving off is my fish oil.  I have heard it spoken of as soothing to the brain.  Whether it is or not, I seem to feel better when I take it everyday.  I know there has been research done on fish oil and depression with positive outcomes.  It certainly cannot hurt to take it.

Finally, I know this too shall pass, as it has in the past.  Tomorrow, I am hoping I will be able to feel more normal and I will be able to do things that need to be done, or even get out of the house on a jaunt somewhere, a mini-holiday.  The plethora of things, people have to deal with who have Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS seems to be never-ending.  Sometimes, we feel more normal, sometimes not.  It is literally a matter of flowing as the tide flows--our own seemingly crazy, dismal, prolonged illnesses. 

How I thank God for His joy that returns to me, and the realization this depression will not last.  It has hit before and gone.  I will wait it out like I have done so many times before.  Working through will be something I can do, now that I have gotten over the surprise of it blanketing me in gloom. There is joy in the morning.

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness  (KJV, Lamentations 3:22-23).

Motivation -- What is that?

Motivation?  For some of us, who have chronic illnesses, motivation is something we had in the past.  I am not saying that we don't want to get things done.  We just can't get started.  Maybe, some of you are saying, "I have no problem with motivation.  I just don't feel good."  If you are very, very ill it is possible that's where you are,  and you can't do any of the things that need doing.  I hope you get better, and I hope you have someone to help.  Hang in there, and don't feel guilty.  If you are like me, you probably are frustrated, because you hate having someone else do your work.  Try thinking of the situation this way.  Other people are blessed by blessing you.  This is a time to be gracious and accept the help.

OH MY!  I did not plan the above paragraph.  But maybe, there is someone out there that needs it.  I know I had a struggle within when I could not do the things I do now.  BUT now, I can get some things done.  However, I got used to being sedentary; and, I think my lack of motivation is partly due to several things that I will list:

• I developed the habit of sitting all the time.
• I got tired easier than I used to.
• I felt overwhelmed.
• I didn't know where to start.
• I was addicted to playing games on the computer, reading, watching TV

Do any of these ring a bell for you?  If you have some others I did not mention, please share them.  So now that I have identified some of the things that I feel blocked me, how did I start changing?  I have read self-help books, articles on the web, articles in magazines, and I have prayed.  I have started trying and stopped.  What changed?  Not much changed, at first.  For a long time, I was blocked and totally drained.  Nothing seemed to work.  But I never gave up hope.  Finally, I saw the only way I was going to change was if I nurtured the child within.  I think this was a God-thing.  I believe I saw this, because He showed me that when I was a child, I did not take on responsibility all at once.  When I was a baby I learned to sit up, to crawl, and to walk in small increments.  I had to exercise those muscles to do those things well.  When I was a child I learned to do groom myself, to pick up my toys, and to take on household chores gradually. And when I was a child, I never felt guilty about playing.  I fished, played dolls, climbed trees, played on the jungle gym, and swam.  I really had fun.

So guess what I did.  I got dressed, found my fishing pole, stepped out the back door, and began fishing.  Yeah. While I was fishing, I would enjoy the scenery and I would pray.  That same day,  I would take 5 minutes to put in a load of laundry or take 5 minutes to work on the pile on the table.  So why am I trying out FlyLady's suggestions?  I need continued motivation, and I think this process is going to help me rebuild my cleaning muscles.  I am being careful to pace myself, which is easy to do with the FlyLady system.  I have to tweek it to fit my needs. 

For instance, I am only on Day 9 of  FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  If I was following them consecutively, I would be well past Day 9.  However, that does not mean I have stopped the steps I already learned.  I am trying to do them everyday.  In fact, I worked on my Control Journal today.  I don't know if I will like using it, but I am committed to building some healthy routines.  I say healthy, because I do not think it is healthy for me to sit in a chair all day.  I am committed to working on my baby steps, resting when I need to, and enjoying this process.  And I am enjoying the process.  In fact, I look forward to setting my timer for 5, 7, 10, or 15 minutes and getting busy shining my sink, making my bed, or decluttering.  OK -- maybe, I am going to have to work more on the bed thing.  I don't know if I can honestly say I enjoy making it, but I LOVE looking at it when it is made.  It changes the look of my bedroom, and I feel so relaxed.

I am sorry for chasing rabbits, but I do want to be honest; so you can know you are not alone.  We can do this--one step at a time!