From Numbness to Normalcy

A friend of mine said something important to me the day before yesterday:  IT'S NOT WORTH IT...it's not worth it for me to be robbed of the joy and peace in my life because of another person and their problems that seem to affect it ... let it go... and keep releasing it to the Lord...casting down vain imaginations to Jesus.  That made me think about something.  What are vain imaginations?  How did that apply to my situation?

For those of us that have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, one of the symptoms can be an overactive fight and flight syndrome.  Quite often we are sensitive people who have a hard time recovering once those chemicals get released in our body.  I'm not going to get into the scientific explanation, which you can probably read in half a dozen other places.  Instead, I want to talk about how it makes us feel, and how we can get through the effects of the adrenaline surge.

courtesy of [stock images]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but if I was a betting person, I would say you have.  So I am going to get personal.  First, there is the pain and anger to deal with -- the disruption of peace and normalcy in your life.  It hurts with the grief, anger, and confusion filling your body.  You want to get away from the source of the pain, so you start considering how you can do this, especially if it has happened before.  I think that is where the vain imagination comes in, because in this heightened state of mental/emotional pain, it is hard to think clearly.  In my case, I found it best to pray and spend some time alone after the onslaught of adrenaline in my body;  however, there may be those who cannot stay at home because of physical abuse from another person being a danger.  You should not stay in a situation that is dangerous.  

An aside to what I am saying about the sensitivity of an overtired FM/CFS patient is that even peaceful, loving families have their moments when someone gets frustrated or angry.  It may not happen very often, but it is hard for people who have chronic illnesses to deal with.  We already are living on a balance beam, pacing ourselves, and a crisis of this sort can throw us over the cliff, so to speak, leaving us feeling as if we will never feel right again.  I have had advice to go to another person to make things right, but sometimes I have to have a cooling down time for my body to recover before I can handle even that.  I think you have to know the other party to a degree and handle some situations delicately for you and that person.  It takes a dose of wisdom, especially if you are dealing with a person that acted improperly towards you, such as listening through keyholes, offering unasked for advice, complaining all the time, or actually cornering you and forcing his or her opinion on you. And those are only a few of the things that cause dissension in a family.     

My point is that one who has FM and CFS may have heightened reactions, especially if that person has already been drained of energy.  This happens to so many people around the holidays, even to people who do not have chronic illnesses.  Routines are disrupted;  one's space is invaded.  Maybe some people have to give up their comfortable retreats to accommodate someone else that does not normally live at one's house.  Whether fight and flight syndrome is activated by a disagreement or a compilation of slights, there is usually something that sets it off, such as an argument, emergency, or even something that should be insignificant in the scheme of life.

Yesterday, I was still in the numb stage.  As a Christian, I am thankful to know that the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God (NASB, Romans 8:26-27).  Once I was able to focus an read God's word, I was able to think clearer and feel more normal.  I felt at peace again.  However, I believe it takes time for the body and mind to heal, unless of course, God heals one instantly.  Sometimes, it takes more faith for one who is hurting to persevere, than for someone who is not suffering in some way. 

Also, if you have a trusted friend, whom you can share some of your hurt with, it helps.  I am not talking about airing all your "dirty" laundry.  Use your common sense.  You do not want to cause someone else to be hurt by gossip or change someone's opinion about a usually nice person.  Let's face it -- none of us are perfect.  However, if you have a discreet friend or discreet friends that will pray for you, that can be a helpful road to recovery.  My friends not only prayed for me:  they offered wisdom and solace.  I did not have to tell them every detail of what caused my pain, only that I was in pain;  and I needed help.  I am grateful for my Christian prayer group.

P.S.  Another friend mentioned letting things roll off my back.  I can do that sometimes by considering the problems of the person who is being difficult.  Actually, I had already done that quite a bit this time.  Some people would say there are some things that are not forgivable, but if God can forgive me for my sins; then, I think I need to be able to forgive other people their sins against me.  Holding bitterness in one's heart, hurts the person holding the bitterness;  while the person that made one angry or hurt may already have forgotten the problem.  In the Lord's Prayer it says: forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  Jesus said that, so He must have thought it very important we forgive others to be living an abundant, balanced life.  Have you ever known a happy, bitter person?  Nah...I haven't either.

God bless you, and may your life be more peaceful in 2013.

Fixing Life Again

Have you ever tried to fix life?  Have you found out you cannot do it -- that you can only pray about things?  Or that you can let those things ruin every day?  Have you discovered you have to decide which to choose?  Do you ever feel confused and wonder if you should take a road you have never thought the right one?

Words Do Hurt

All I can say is that I have found myself turning myself inside out trying to please others.  Pleasing people I love is something I like to do, but when I try to explain myself or protect myself or be myself around some of these people, I get words thrown at me like darts.  I don't know if these people know what they do.  I think they still think I am well or better, when I push myself past my physical and emotional limits.  Then, they get mad when I crash.   Or they think I have gone mental, when what has happened is I have nothing left in me physically to do the every-day, normal things.  I have to go to bed all day sometimes.  Wednesday, I slept most of the day.  

Then, here come the questions:  are you sick?  how do you feel?  Hmm.... let's see...I was so tired, I wet the bed last night...nah let's not mention that one.  Am I sick?  Well, what do you think?  Could the fact I have a cane that I have to use sometimes be a clue?  Have I said a miracle happened -- I'm cured of the illness I have had for the last 15 to 20 years?  Could the fact I have not gone to the grocery store or cooked for two days be a clue?  Could the fact that I no longer pretend to be Mrs. Perfect to visiting relatives be a clue?

Could someone tell me when enough is enough?  Why am I the one that is supposed to always be nice, compliant, sweet, uncomplaining and patient?  Why do I have to listen to someone else complain?  But I cannot get mad because I might lose my husband -- not his words by the way -- someone else's. My husband is mature and loving:  he is human:  and he is mature and loving.  I will not let someone else's fears become mine, nor her insecurities.    

The point is that many people with chronic illness go through similar
mental /emotional abuse through the holidays or at other times.  I try to turn the cheek, keep my mouth shut, and wait for the offender to go home.  Some of you live with that person all the time.  Some of them do it on purpose and some are clueless people who never consider how words and tones of voice can hurt.  My question is how much is too much?  Will that person or persons even understand?  For some of us, we know some of the offenders are not capable of understanding.  I hate to leave this open-ended, but I am still figuring out what my solution is.  

The reason I had not written for the last few days was that I thought 2013 was going to start out so differently than it has.  I didn't want to be sad or write something sad.  But I promised you honesty, because we all have situations to deal with at different times in our lives.  I'm sorry if I rambled.
I am in healing mode right now -- Again.

Is That Directed Towards Me?

"Behind the Veil of Pain'
Why do others think they can judge what is going
on in our bodies and minds, when they are not
our doctors or they choose not to understand our illnesses?

Have you ever felt a comment was directed towards you, by someone who doesn't understand your situation?  I experienced that today; and although I found it unsettling, I was not thrown into utter dejection, so I must be mastering the art of taking responsibility for my own care.  I have learned to pace myself and do only what I can do for that day.  If I don't I will pay and my family will too, because I'll have several days or more that I have no energy. I have learned that I have a new normal that I can live with.  I do not spend time berating myself over not getting things done that used to be easy for me.  I am not saying that I would not like to do more, but I have learned to be happy about the things I am able to do.  I cannot help what someone else thinks--in fact, I could be wrong--perhaps that comment was not directed towards me.  I am the one who lives within my body, and I know what I have done during a day;  therefore, I have to pace myself according to my own needs--not try to meet what I think is someone else's expectations.