However, there are moments when the pain or the weird sensations that seem to be part of the FM patient's plight get me down -- way down. If there was no medicine to take and the pain and weird sensations did not stop, I think they could drive a person mad. Also, I get deeply tired of the fatigue -- tired of being tired is how I put it earlier this afternoon.
Sometimes, the tears and fog come with the icky tingles and the anxiety. I start to remember how long I have had this and wonder how I could bear it another second. But I do. I have even sometimes asked God why He does not let me die. However, I know He has a purpose for my life, so I keep on hoping. I lie down in my bed to try to quiet what is going on, pray, say the 23 Psalm among other scriptures, and I cry.
Then, I usually get up to do something else after that. Today, I went out on the porch so I could watch the breeze go through the trees and feel the outdoor heat. I was cold. Today was a hard to regulate my bodily temperature day, and I have been feeling chilled in air conditioning.
I want you to know you are not alone. Everybody does not have hunky-dory lives all the time. Just because someone sounds cheerful does not mean they are not carrying a burden. Sometimes, I write, and I am afraid you think I can get everything done on my Weekly Schedule. I don't. It's a guideline for when I am asking myself what to do next. I use to say to myself to stop being lazy, but now I realize I am not a lazy person, because I cannot always get things done that I think needs doing. That is not laziness, it is illness.
I encourage you to hold on to hope. Look for the good moments, the restful moments, and the memorable moments. Smell the roses. And, when those blah days come, remember life is not like this all the time. This too shall pass.
Thinking of you often and praying,
Deborah
