Risking The Truth

Have you ever felt like you were putting yourself out there when admitting to your own weakness?  Isn't that how it feels  when you have to admit to someone, who does not quite understand your illness, that you  cannot do something or go somewhere?

When you get to the point you have to tell someone, I  do  not have the strength or the energy to go on a trip,  take that job, go out  tonight, teach that class, or volunteer in that organization -- it often feels like a huge decision, especially if it is something you  want to do.  One finds himself pulled this way and that.  Sometimes, it feels like a weight on the chest that sits there, until one is brave enough to admit this is not something he or she can do.

And then, there is the issue of being honest to help someone who suffers like you do.  The best example I can think of is what I wrote in "Digressing from Needing a Vacation." A synopsis of what I wrote goes as follows:  when you are constantly ill for years, there are moments when you might feel like you cannot take another moment of this.  This can lead to thoughts of suicide, but suicide is not the answer.  If this is a thought that plagues you, you should have psychological counseling.  It is worth the risk of being honest to tell a therapist you have had this thought.  My preference is a Christian therapist, but that because I know a Christian therapist would understand how important my faith is in my life.  There are things in life we should not have to tackle alone.  It is not failure to see a counselor that can help you manage the thoughts you have about your life in a healthier way. That is what I  call being smart and handling your illness.

Finding peace in a life that has become a daily round of illness is challenging. It sometimes feels like climbing a mountain you can never leave or being inside bars that will not let you go.  I have felt sometimes like my body has become a prison.  However, you can learn to live in a new normal. I have written about how I find that peace in God and in letting go of negative thoughts by turning them around into positive thoughts.  

Recently, I had to admit to a loved one that I couldn't spend several days visiting.  It was hard.  I did not want to call.  I was afraid of how that person would feel and whether she would understand.  But I had to do it, because I know my body.  I know I have been more ill this past winter and not yet totally  recovered. When I made the plans, I was optimistic and thinking I would be ready.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I had to risk telling the truth that I cannot handle the type of trip we were planning.  At least, I cannot at this time.  It was like a weight lifted when I was truthful.  I admitted my weakness and my inability to handle what would have been a fun trip during a time of feeling healthier.  I'm not saying I don't feel disappointment over not going somewhere I wanted to go.  However, I do feel peace in having been truthful.  And I have let the disappointment go. 

I have many blessings in this life.  I think I will count those, and smell the roses.  That is life-giving or life-living for me. 

Perhaps you have heard the saying:  "Have an attitude of gratitude."  Even in negative circumstances it helps one to get through tough times to count your blessings.  There are time one feels like he or she is barely hanging on, but that is part of life.  Sometimes, if I feel depressed, I tell myself it will pass.  Also, I find something to do:  I don't dwell on my feelings.  I feel them and I try to move on to put activity appropriate to my physical condition on that particular day.  

Today, I could not get motivated, but I have had some unusual things going on this week.  I considered that and a friend said, "This would be a good time to read a book."  So, I did.   No guilt.  Then, later on I took a shower and washed my hair even though I did not feel like it.  Funny how I feel better now, and I am not feeling guilty about not cooking supper or not doing housework.  Tomorrow is another day.  The world is not going to quit turning, because I didn't fix supper or didn't do the laundry.  If it was going to quit turning over my putting something off until tomorrow, we would be in lots of trouble.

Until Next Time,

Deborah