Risking The Truth

Have you ever felt like you were putting yourself out there when admitting to your own weakness?  Isn't that how it feels  when you have to admit to someone, who does not quite understand your illness, that you  cannot do something or go somewhere?

When you get to the point you have to tell someone, I  do  not have the strength or the energy to go on a trip,  take that job, go out  tonight, teach that class, or volunteer in that organization -- it often feels like a huge decision, especially if it is something you  want to do.  One finds himself pulled this way and that.  Sometimes, it feels like a weight on the chest that sits there, until one is brave enough to admit this is not something he or she can do.

And then, there is the issue of being honest to help someone who suffers like you do.  The best example I can think of is what I wrote in "Digressing from Needing a Vacation." A synopsis of what I wrote goes as follows:  when you are constantly ill for years, there are moments when you might feel like you cannot take another moment of this.  This can lead to thoughts of suicide, but suicide is not the answer.  If this is a thought that plagues you, you should have psychological counseling.  It is worth the risk of being honest to tell a therapist you have had this thought.  My preference is a Christian therapist, but that because I know a Christian therapist would understand how important my faith is in my life.  There are things in life we should not have to tackle alone.  It is not failure to see a counselor that can help you manage the thoughts you have about your life in a healthier way. That is what I  call being smart and handling your illness.

Finding peace in a life that has become a daily round of illness is challenging. It sometimes feels like climbing a mountain you can never leave or being inside bars that will not let you go.  I have felt sometimes like my body has become a prison.  However, you can learn to live in a new normal. I have written about how I find that peace in God and in letting go of negative thoughts by turning them around into positive thoughts.  

Recently, I had to admit to a loved one that I couldn't spend several days visiting.  It was hard.  I did not want to call.  I was afraid of how that person would feel and whether she would understand.  But I had to do it, because I know my body.  I know I have been more ill this past winter and not yet totally  recovered. When I made the plans, I was optimistic and thinking I would be ready.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I had to risk telling the truth that I cannot handle the type of trip we were planning.  At least, I cannot at this time.  It was like a weight lifted when I was truthful.  I admitted my weakness and my inability to handle what would have been a fun trip during a time of feeling healthier.  I'm not saying I don't feel disappointment over not going somewhere I wanted to go.  However, I do feel peace in having been truthful.  And I have let the disappointment go. 

I have many blessings in this life.  I think I will count those, and smell the roses.  That is life-giving or life-living for me. 

Perhaps you have heard the saying:  "Have an attitude of gratitude."  Even in negative circumstances it helps one to get through tough times to count your blessings.  There are time one feels like he or she is barely hanging on, but that is part of life.  Sometimes, if I feel depressed, I tell myself it will pass.  Also, I find something to do:  I don't dwell on my feelings.  I feel them and I try to move on to put activity appropriate to my physical condition on that particular day.  

Today, I could not get motivated, but I have had some unusual things going on this week.  I considered that and a friend said, "This would be a good time to read a book."  So, I did.   No guilt.  Then, later on I took a shower and washed my hair even though I did not feel like it.  Funny how I feel better now, and I am not feeling guilty about not cooking supper or not doing housework.  Tomorrow is another day.  The world is not going to quit turning, because I didn't fix supper or didn't do the laundry.  If it was going to quit turning over my putting something off until tomorrow, we would be in lots of trouble.

Until Next Time,

Deborah

A Lady's Preogative

Have you heard that saying, "It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind."?  I am exercising that authority, at least for now.  Today, I entered Big Tent world again.  Yes, I know I said I wouldn't;  however, I saw FlyLady's day 6 list for flybabies,  and I read these words:

Going to the FlyLady BigTent group and reading messages. 

 I began to feel as if I might be missing something:  I just had to see.

The very first message spoke directly to me.  And don't you dare laugh, unless you have had it happen.  The message was in group news from Pam Young, Young at Heart:  All Is Well. I don't think you can read it, unless you actually join the FlyLady's Big Tent group.  Again, I reading something about what we say to ourselves.   

Yesterday, I mentioned negative thoughts and positive thoughts.  I said we should turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts;  and I have actually done this with success. So what happens to me?  Today, I started having negative thoughts.  My Christian peeps will probably say I am being attacked by some of the Enemy's cohorts.  That is a possibility.  Well, I don't plan to shut-up any time soon.  I know who my Lord is, and that is Jesus Christ, no if's or and's about it.  That is just the way it is.  Or maybe this is just God's way of answering prayer, because I prayed as I wrote last night, that God would show me just how to talk about Him in this blog.  If you want to know more, you can  email me at deborahb.blogs@gmail.com or simply read "Take Comfort"--Short Devotionals.  And of course, you can always comment here.  

Day 6 is not going well for me.  But I think it is going to go better after I finish this blog.  Moreover, I get to do something new today -- well not really new to me, but I am disciplining myself to get through this 31 days.  Hot Spots is the new FlyLady phrase to learn today.  Check out Day 6 and scroll down:  it's there.  I cannot wait to hit my hot spots.  Oh boy!  I have lots of them.

The Affliction of False Guilt

Did I ever mention how guilty I feel when I have been sitting in the recliner most of the day?  It may not hit me early in the day;  but as the day progresses, I start feeling a bit uneasy, especially if there is any clutter nearby.  Even though I am there because I am extremely fatigued or in more pain than usual, I feel like I should have done more.  I have a hard time shaking this.  I felt that way tonight, because I could still see a lot of clutter in my living room.

I am supposed to be writing you to encourage you, and I am telling you something that has a negative tone to it.  However, I am not telling you about my little guilt complex to say you should feel that way.  On the contrary, my negativity is a peace annihilator.  Negative thoughts afflict us.  These negative thoughts pull us down, sucking away the feelings of accomplishment we have for the good things we do. 

My Negative to Positive Thought
Negative Thought 
I feel guilty because sat in the recliner today, and I did not pick up the clutter in the living room.
Positive Response
I could not have walked around the house today without aggravating my hip and joint pain--sometimes, I just have to give it a rest. 

I did do important things today.  Here are some of them:  alternated ice and heat on my hip and back; checked my emails and answered those that needed an answer; talked to my husband, talked on the telephone with 2 granddaughters and 1 daughter; made a salad for lunch; made a short grocery list for my husband; cooked a vegetable for supper and reheated another one, which I mashed and enhanced with spices; shredded chicken into smaller pieces and mixed with rice (for our dog who was sick yesterday);  I prayed about writing a devotional (what to write) and did some web surfing on scriptures for inspiration; and I am writing my blog.  And I haven't even listed the small things I needed to do; because most people go through their day, not noting the necessity of seemingly inconsequential actions, which are actually important.  I did all these things, and I felt like I had wasted my day.  That is the lie my mind told me. I saw the clutter and I did not recognize the lie--not until I had written it down, did I completely realize the bologna I was swallowing earlier.

When I harbor false guilt, it brings confusion.  It makes me second guess myself and criticize myself.  It can also be bred from the perfectionism that was stuck in my brain for so long.  It's not bad to have goals, but berating myself has never helped me to reach them.  If I use today for a typical example, I know I can apply a couple of drive-by cleanings tonight, clean a hot spot for 2 minutes, or spend 5 minutes picking up. I am going to go for something that is directly in my line of vision when I sit in my recliner.  OK.  I have a plan.  I will apply.  Now, that is success--a job well done! 

I hope this helps you, my readers.  My hope is you will see that you are not the only one that gets negative thoughts about yourself.  And I hope this little walk-through of parts of my day is helpful. One of the things I see is that kowtowing to false guilt is wasteful.  It wastes my time, my energy, and my peace.  If I wallow in false guilt long enough, I end up with a messier house and depression.  I am thankful I am learning to live more simply; and, I am thankful I feel more peace in my life. 

Resting Is Doing Something

I would love to follow FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps without any break in the chain of habits I am establishing;  however, that is not always possible.  Since I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, there are days that I do not have the energy to accomplish the things I want to do.  In fact, that was the beginning of me learning how to balance my life changes.  Now, I am dealing with hip and ball joint arthritis too, so I am glad I don't suffer from the guilt that used to consume me when I went through the months of having no energy to do anything.  The negative thoughts, which  would come into my head telling me how worthless I am.  That would fan the flames of depression, and I would get caught in a cycle that made me feel stuck and worthless.

I am so thankful for learning to speak kindly to myself.  FlyLady's acronym FLY,  finally loving yourself, is an apt description of what I am doing.  I am learning I can accomplish things in very small steps, that are appropriate to my energy level.   When I do a few minutes of one thing on my To Do List, it is reason to celebrate.  I feel like I have accomplished something, which leads me to do something else.  Some days, I have to put the brakes on, or I pay with increased pain and fatigue. 

And some days like yesterday, I have to stay off my feet because of the pain; and I let my body rest.  I push away any feelings of guilt, knowing that because of the small things I did yesterday, I am that much closer to having a clutter free house.

P.S. Why do I say, I am learning,  instead of I have learned?  For me, learning to balance my life is not something I can jump into and say I am done.  It is a process I started with very small steps.  There is no magic pill that will help me change instantly.  As much as I would like that to be true for me, it just isn't.  However, I can see that the concept of baby steps works in my life.  I can see the changes in me, and how I handle my infirmities.  It has taken several years of trial and error, of searching, and of babysteps for me to feel good about myself.  Am I doing it perfectly?  No, but I am doing it:  I am in the process of learning to balancing life changes.