Thursday, June 20, 2013

Risking The Truth

Have you ever felt like you were putting yourself out there when admitting to your own weakness?  Isn't that how it feels  when you have to admit to someone, who does not quite understand your illness, that you  cannot do something or go somewhere?

When you get to the point you have to tell someone, I  do  not have the strength or the energy to go on a trip,  take that job, go out  tonight, teach that class, or volunteer in that organization -- it often feels like a huge decision, especially if it is something you  want to do.  One finds himself pulled this way and that.  Sometimes, it feels like a weight on the chest that sits there, until one is brave enough to admit this is not something he or she can do.

And then, there is the issue of being honest to help someone who suffers like you do.  The best example I can think of is what I wrote in "Digressing from Needing a Vacation." A synopsis of what I wrote goes as follows:  when you are constantly ill for years, there are moments when you might feel like you cannot take another moment of this.  This can lead to thoughts of suicide, but suicide is not the answer.  If this is a thought that plagues you, you should have psychological counseling.  It is worth the risk of being honest to tell a therapist you have had this thought.  My preference is a Christian therapist, but that because I know a Christian therapist would understand how important my faith is in my life.  There are things in life we should not have to tackle alone.  It is not failure to see a counselor that can help you manage the thoughts you have about your life in a healthier way. That is what I  call being smart and handling your illness.


Finding peace in a life that has become a daily round of illness is challenging. It sometimes feels like climbing a mountain you can never leave or being inside bars that will not let you go.  I have felt sometimes like my body has become a prison.  However, you can learn to live in a new normal. I have written about how I find that peace in God and in letting go of negative thoughts by turning them around into positive thoughts.  

Recently, I had to admit to a loved one that I couldn't spend several days visiting.  It was hard.  I did not want to call.  I was afraid of how that person would feel and whether she would understand.  But I had to do it, because I know my body.  I know I have been more ill this past winter and not yet totally  recovered. When I made the plans, I was optimistic and thinking I would be ready.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I had to risk telling the truth that I cannot handle the type of trip we were planning.  At least, I cannot at this time.  It was like a weight lifted when I was truthful.  I admitted my weakness and my inability to handle what would have been a fun trip during a time of feeling healthier.  I'm not saying I don't feel disappointment over not going somewhere I wanted to go.  However, I do feel peace in having been truthful.  And I have let the disappointment go. 

I have many blessings in this life.  I think I will count those, and smell the roses.  That is life-giving or life-living for me. 

Perhaps you have heard the saying:  "Have an attitude of gratitude."  Even in negative circumstances it helps one to get through tough times to count your blessings.  There are time one feels like he or she is barely hanging on, but that is part of life.  Sometimes, if I feel depressed, I tell myself it will pass.  Also, I find something to do:  I don't dwell on my feelings.  I feel them and I try to move on to put activity appropriate to my physical condition on that particular day.  

Today, I could not get motivated, but I have had some unusual things going on this week.  I considered that and a friend said, "This would be a good time to read a book."  So, I did.   No guilt.  Then, later on I took a shower and washed my hair even though I did not feel like it.  Funny how I feel better now, and I am not feeling guilty about not cooking supper or not doing housework.  Tomorrow is another day.  The world is not going to quit turning, because I didn't fix supper or didn't do the laundry.  If it was going to quit turning over my putting something off until tomorrow, we would be in lots of trouble.

Until Next Time,

Deborah

6 comments:

  1. Deborah,
    I really enjoy reading your posts! I wonder if you can hear me shouting, "You go sister!"

    I can sooo relate to what you are saying. I wish you lived in Tucson, maybe we could be BFFs. I wrote a rather lengthy response to your post referencing suicide. I didn't know how to post it though. Google didn't recognize my password or something. I'm a bit techno-challenged.

    I've dealt with depression for a good long while. My father committed suicide right before I turned 6. With chronic illness, feeling like I have no value and am a burden is a daily occurrence. I have Fibromyalgia and just recently was dx with a seizure disorder. I passed out cold in a restaurant. From a seated position no less. I'm taking meds for that and still undergoing more tests. The medication causes me to feel more depressed that I already was. Being unable to drive is depressing as well.

    Although, I didn't venture out for much more than grocery shopping before. I had to gear up and motivate myself to be able to get there. It's amazing how I can mange to put things together to produce a dinner when it appears that the cupboards are bare. Now, my husband has to take me to the store. Can we say 'guilt'?

    Anyway...sorry for the ramble. But I just wanted you to know that I relate and enjoy reading your posts.

    Sherry

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  2. There is so much I can relate to here, Debby. The deep-bone weariness, the unrelenting nature of chronic illness, pain and fatigue. Guilt can feel like a default position as we so often need to pull back from activities in self-protection or risk making ourselves worse. It's fine to do the things which give us rest, relaxation and pleasure. Otherwise, chores mount up with our anxiety and we have no outlet. So, yes, my friend, read the book, sit out in the sun and enjoy your garden, listen to music, connect in a quiet soul refreshing time with God or just rest. Life will go on regardless... at least for a little while! Blessings and love, Joy :) xx

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  3. I hear you, Sherry. And, thank you for letting me know this was a help to you. I have waited a long time to talk about these issues, because they are so very personal and private. You say what you need to say, Sistah. I thought your comments were great.
    Love and Prayers, Deborah

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  4. Joy, you are a wonderful encourager. I always appreciate your comments. I think of you often.
    Love and hugs, Debby

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  5. Dear Deborah, I so appreciate your honesty and transparency. It is liberating and refreshing. It makes me know that I am not alone, and it is such a blessing to know that you are there...writing encouragement and praying for me. I am so thankful God allowed our paths to cross. You are precious to me! Love, Cheryl

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  6. Cheryl, you have also been a huge encouragement to me. God has been good in letting us "meet" one another. Love, Debby

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It's always lovely hearing from you. xoxo, Deborah