Always the Student?

I'm not one of those people who could be termed the perpetual student.  It just seems that LIFE -- yes, life in capital letters -- is always throwing stuff at me to learn.  (By the way, I just read that stuff is a terrible word to use in blogs.  It is too nebulous, not defining one's subject enough.)  But stuff encompasses many things in an active mind; or perhaps, it is what keeps a mind active -- that curiosity, the desire to understand.

Here's a portion of my present list of things to know, things I have explored: how to blog better

what kind of bird was that by the pond?

at 5 a.m., looking up on the internet--what causes diarrhea in puppies - arghhhhhhh

information about CFS, FM, Hip and ball joint arthritis, spondylitis, etc., etc.

what scripture answers my question about ... 

how does this or that gadget work?

The general idea is I have an active mind:  I always have.  So that makes me a lifelong learner, whether formally or informally, and I think it helps me to be healthier.  It certainly does make life more interesting.  I suppose that is why this musing fits into my blog; at least, it does for me.  I am an active particpant in the treatment of my physical problems.  I make informed decisions about the medicines I take, and I learn enough to question the doctors.  I participate in a support group online, not heavily as some people, but enough for me.  I read articles and books.  I seek and I question.  Recently, this process has improved my quality of life, because I have had a change in medicines that has significantly impacted me.

Presently, I am learning how to be a better blogger.  Please be patient with me.  And please leave a comment on my blog sometime, so it looks like the big boys' / big girls' blogs.

Stagnation versus Change



My Puppy and Bear  -  photo by D. Bolton

      When one has a chronic illness, change sometimes becomes the enemy.  Change means one has to move from the little niche that has kept one mentally and emotionally safe. However, even when one feels safe, stagnancy can creep in making one needy within,  I am not saying that one should feel guilty at being in a cocoon for a time.  Butterflies need cocoons.  Bears and other animals need safe places to hibernate in the winter.  And sometimes, a person needs to step back into his/her safe place and stay there for a while. However, eventually, one needs to move from Point A to Point B:  or, he/she becomes withered and diseased to the core of one’s soul.



Me and One Small Change
photo by courtsey of my 
sweet husband taken
for me.

How does a person, who is ill, do this?  I can testify to how I have done it, and how I am still doing it.  I have taken baby steps.  I have even thought back to my development as a child; and in a sense, I have allowed myself to become that child again. This may sound strange, but it is really very simple.  And believe me, SIMPLE, is just what I have needed to make my move.  Anything complicated has only served to frustrate me and has ended in failure, so simple baby steps have been something I welcomed.

First of all, I want you to know that I had not turned in my adult card.  I may have brain fog occasionally, and I may have brain glitches, forgetting a word or name here and there; however, my faculties are fine.  I still have a working computer in my head.  I make more lists than I used to, and I have been known to forget my lists.  I also do better if I place my purse in one of 2 places it usually ends up when I come home, and my keys really need to be in my purse.  You get the general idea, I am sure.

Secondly, I need you to know that my period of hibernation -- not convalescence, since that implies one has actually healed--had bred some bad habits.  Or perhaps, it was that I had a loss of good habits. I especially abhorred the loss of my good habits, which I identified so many years as being the me I knew.  I became someone I no longer recognized at times, and I hated that.  I had become stagnant and diseased in things that were not my illness, and I struggled to get out of the mire; but, it was too difficult to pull myself out.  And apparently, no one else could either, or could he/she?

That leaves me to the final thing for this long-winded blog.  There was one thing, one person, but I had to listen very carefully, because I had not been able to when I was in my deepest fogs.  The person that helped me the most in physical and emotional comfort was my kind and patient husband, who could not change me from within.  He could pray for me, as could family, friends, and counselors; however, none of them could change me. The one person that could take me out of this stagnation was God.  In my heart I knew that He would help me, although the road was longer than I liked.  I nearly lost my faith on the way:  I certainly had doubts.  The road was longer than I liked, but I had / have lessons to learn along the way.  This is the first baby-step in my road;  for without this one, no other step is possible.

And He has helped me.  I was already a Believer, but my faith was tattered and torn, and full of a few bullet holes--not literal bullet holes, but painful nevertheless.  I took my sparrow-sized faith to God through Jesus Christ my Savior, and asked Him to help me, to restore the joy of my salvation -- and He has--glorious God that He is.  He is teaching me as I go, retraining me gently, as any loving father would do for his wounded child.  How I love Him!  And how thankful I am that God has not given up on me  -- or you. 


 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find ; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives ; and he who seeks, finds ; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish ; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" ( Luke 11: 9-13, NASV)

P.S.  I am not saying by posting pictures of my puppy that one should get a dog.  That is just one of many changes, that came about among days, months, and years of others.  Nor am I saying change is easy.  It took change for me to become as ill as I was, only it overwhelmed me with illness' insidious entry into my life.  Life circumstances, medications, and becoming more sedentary (despite efforts to continue being active) loomed over me, until the proverbial straw broke; and I was a shut-in (in more ways than one).  It would take a book to answer the questions that I think readers have.  I will say more in future installments, hopefully not 9 months from now.  (wry smiley)

Is That Directed Towards Me?

"Behind the Veil of Pain'
Why do others think they can judge what is going
on in our bodies and minds, when they are not
our doctors or they choose not to understand our illnesses?

Have you ever felt a comment was directed towards you, by someone who doesn't understand your situation?  I experienced that today; and although I found it unsettling, I was not thrown into utter dejection, so I must be mastering the art of taking responsibility for my own care.  I have learned to pace myself and do only what I can do for that day.  If I don't I will pay and my family will too, because I'll have several days or more that I have no energy. I have learned that I have a new normal that I can live with.  I do not spend time berating myself over not getting things done that used to be easy for me.  I am not saying that I would not like to do more, but I have learned to be happy about the things I am able to do.  I cannot help what someone else thinks--in fact, I could be wrong--perhaps that comment was not directed towards me.  I am the one who lives within my body, and I know what I have done during a day;  therefore, I have to pace myself according to my own needs--not try to meet what I think is someone else's expectations.

Trimming my Toenails Made Easier

Some of my readers may say to themselves that trimming one's toenails is a subject best left alone; however, I do not take trimming my toenails for granted. In fact, I have never enjoyed trimming my toenails, so I tend to wait too long to do the dreaded deed; but since they are strong little buggers, I must. And today I did it.

I have been contemplating trimming my little beauties for several weeks. In fact, I can't remember when I applied the now peeling nail polish, a good indicator of how long it has been since I had a pedicure. When I see a quarter inch of new nail showing, I know it has been too long since I took care of the inevitable, the need to cut my nails. I want you to know, I do believe in good grooming, but toenails are so hard to do when one has Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Twisting my body into odd positions to cut them or paint them, squeezes the breath out of me as I bend my protruding tummy to reach--and pulling my legs up close enough hurts. I would love to get a pedicure at a salon, but I would feel guilty spending money on that; so, I contemplate the struggle it will entail, then I procrastinate. Thus I end up with toenails that would rival the strong, long fingernails some people want so badly.

I know that fingernails or toenails which have been soaked first are easier to cut. Since I had decided to take a bath and luxuriate today, this seemed to be the perfect opportunity to try this premise. As I luxuriated in the bath water, I made a plan of attack. My little bag I keep my nail appliances in was beside the tub so I could reach it easily. I pulled out the toenail clippers, made sure the little cover that is supposed to keep nails inside the clippers was adjusted, and I started by clipping the large toenail. It was easier than I expected. Hallelujah! The warm water in the tub had loosened my muscles enough that reaching was not as difficult. Furthermore, for some reason it seemed easier than bending from a sitting position in a chair, or than standing and bending over. Standing and bending over is not as safe for many people that have chronic illness anyway, and I did not want to put myself in the position of falling. Moreover, who likes standing outside the tub, bending over with a dripping, wet body and nails that are drying out too fast? Not me.

I did not cut all my nails on my left foot before I switched to the opposite foot. As my muscles began to cramp a little, I took a short break; then, I began to cut nails on my right foot. Thus, switching back and forth I was able to trim the nails on both feet. After I cut the nails, I gently pushed my wet cuticles back, and the job I dreaded was done. Painting the toenails is a job I will do another day; however, my nails already look better. Also, I don't have to worry about them hitting the end of any closed toed shoes. And if you are wondering what I did with the nail clippings, I dumped them into a small plastic container after I did each nail. Sometimes the clippings do fall out of the clippers that have covers to keep them in, and I did not want toenails going down my bathtub drain. When I was out of the tub and dried off, I put the clippings in the trash.

Dear reader, I hope you have someone to do your nails for you, but not all of us do--or we don't want to ask. Someday, I do plan to have a pedicure done in a salon for a treat, but that is not an option for me now.

Also, I have to admit to feeling a bit paranoid about the sterilization of equipment in salons. Next time I get my nails done away from home, I will ask about the salon's equipment sterilization policy. I prefer to avoid cross-contamination when it comes to my feet. May you feel as good about your toenails as I do today. First step to well-groomed nails done--Check! Until I write again--God bless you.