Example of Cognitive Dysfunction/Need for Renewal

If you have already read today's post, you would have noticed several errors in agreement or I left a word out.  I read it when I wrote it, and I did not see the errors.  However, I have also noticed that I have read a couple of things wrong today that I did not write, but when I glanced at them again, I saw the right words.  For instance, I wanted dried cranberries from my pantry today, but all I saw were the words cherries on both packages.  I turned around and looked again, and I saw cranberries on one.  I think this is an excellent example of cognitive dysfunction, which can happen when someone is more ill than usual or stressed.  I have had to be very careful to focus on one thing at a time, because my thoughts feel scattered. It is disconcerting when it happens, because I don't always have this symptom as strongly as I do now.  

I hope you know that even though I don't know all my readers, I deeply care that in some way your lives are affected for good by reading this blog, which I consider my home blog--or that you are blessed by one of my other blogs.  I love writing the blogs, which I consider not only a ministry, but also fulfillment of one of my dreams.  However, I am finding they do take a lot of time and energy, so I'm trying to learn to be more efficient in this area, but I am not there yet.


Most of you know I undertook my own challenge to try to do  Flylady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  I knew it might take longer, and I thought I would be able to finish by Wednesday;  however, I have made the decision to go back to Day 24 today, and try to work on this everyday until I am finished.  Of course, one is never "finished" with housework:  the repetitive stuff of daily living always reoccurs.  Therefore, I am going to leave my blogs until last everyday this week.  There may be some days I don't write.  I do not know.  However, I know I need to have order here in my household, which is better than it was; but, I have not had energy to do what I was doing during the summer and early fall. 

I need to explore why I don't have the energy.  Is it the blogging?  I like to get them right, and I feel I owe it to you to give you a quality blog.  Is it because I am sitting too much?  I wasn't too successful with timing myself on blogging.  My mind has felt almost overfull at times with the needs of things to do.  Is it because I have forgotten to take all my supplements sometimes, even though I took the time to put them in a container for the week.  Am I being lazy sometimes?  Yes, I that thought still occurs in my mind sometimes.  Maybe, it is the insecurity that comes with chronic illness that breeds that question.  I have a highly developed sense of commitment, and it has been difficult coming to the realization I cannot do everything I think is important.  

Therefore, I can understand why people that do not understand the nature of my illnesses cannot understand why I have difficulty doing things that I once did.  For instance, even though I have tried, I cannot seem to get back into going to church every Sunday.  I believe this is an important thing for Hebrews 10:25 tells believers  not to forsake assembling together.  Corporate worship is an important element in the Christian life, as are teaching, preaching, and the ordinances of worship.  It makes me sad to miss this.  I have always wanted to be at worship, since I was a young child.  In fact, I have always been in a choir since I was 6 years old.  However, my sleep problems, the fibromyalgia, and the chronic fatigue syndrome have severely interfered with this part of my life. Moreover, I also believe that being a Christian is not just a Sunday exercise.  There should be communion with God in my daily life, wherever I am, so I do that.  But I am missing being active in my church and community.  If you would like to pray for me to be able to be able to worship and fellowship more with believers in my community, I would greatly appreciate that.

I will try to write one blog everyday this week, but I am not sure which ones are going to get the attention.  Maybe, I will spread it out.  However, I am not making any promises for this is going to be a week of spiritual renewal and concentrating on my household.  I think next Monday, the 12th of November will be day 31 on my babysteps.  I am going to have to take this one day at a time.  I am praying for strength and wisdom.

Lost Days (Cognitive Dysfunction)

Image Courtsey of [Evgeni Dinev] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Do you ever feel like you have lost days, because it seems like a week has gone by, but it has only been two or three days?  When the realization comes that you have to look for documentation of where you have been  when, and what you have done, it almost feels like waking up from a dream.  Maybe, that is one of the reasons I like writing things down. Even if it is just a list, I can see what I have done, whether I went into much description or not.  However, I don't always have intense brain fog.  I have found that energy levels, pain, and stress all affect my cognitive abilities from being very good to being dysfunctional.  Today, I first noticed it in this sense of having lost days.  I was trying to remember what day I was on for Flylady's 31 Beginner Babysteps.  I slacked off reading them for a couple of days, although I was still doing the routines.

Cognitive dysfunction is a problem for people with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I think forgetfulness must run the gamut from mild to intense.  After having read many accounts of forgetfulness and having dealt with my own, I know that it seems to partially involve short-term memory problems.  It affects life daily from forgetting words to forgetting how to get home.  Many people who were formally very sociable become less so, because they cannot hold a conversation without forgetting what they are going to say, while waiting their turn to speak.  Sometimes, I see faces of people I know, and I have a hard time putting  names with their faces;   or I feel like I probably know them, but I am not quite sure.

Image Courtesy of [dan] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For those of us who start feeling confused at the store, because of the lights, the people, and having to make decisions about what to buy;  it can be very disconcerting and impair memory, even if we felt fine earlier in the day.  For some people this leads to panic attacks.  When this happens to me, I may actually have the panic attack after I get home.  I may have a physical reaction and feel like I am trembling all over.  My hands might actually be shaking.  Moreover, my head may feel cloudy:  I feel like I am slightly off and it is harder to focus.

It would be wonderful if you would respond to this, and give some feedback on how cognitive dysfunction affects you.  It helps to know you are not alone;  and for so many intelligent people to have the same symptoms could not be coincidental.  For more information on cognitive dysfunction, you may find  the following link helpful:  Cognitive Dysfunction Finding in Fibromyalgia by Adrienne Dellwo.

P. S.  I would like to finish my Flylady 31 Beginner Babysteps by Wednesday.  It has taken me longer than 31 days.  If I had done it without skipping any days, I would have been done by October 29;  however, I knew I would probably have to skip some days, because of my flare-up.  The point is I am determined to pick up and jump in.  I even find myself doing some up the steps on the Routines automatically now.  However, I have to rest often, especially lately.  So I would say the experiment has worked, because I am improving my habits.  The thing is, I know I am not done.  I will have to continue the job.  My house was an absolute mess before I started, and I still have boxes and items to put away, throw away, or give away before I am at the point of having "My Own Home - Bed and Breakfast."  I figure, although slow, it is definitely worth it.

Taking Time for Me

Do you feel guilty the day after you have done something special with your family,

 and you have used up the energy

 you needed to go to work or to do housework?  

Do you wonder why your mood feels off center, and you don't feel like getting dressed or doing your daily routine?  

Even though you may have been dealing with Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for a number of years, do you have selective memory, only remembering the things you think you should do?

Your brain becomes extra sensitive to too much sound, so you turn off the TV.  The dog keeps barking at the delivery man, and you want to jump out of your skin.  Your skin burns, your clothes feel scratchy, your mind can't stay focused on what you should do next.  Moreover, you need to go back to bed.

  And you feel depressed.  

These are some of the things you may feel with post-exertional malaise, fatigue brought on by date-night, going to the park, playing with the kids, having company over for supper, staying on the computer too long, 

or going shopping.  

You can probably think of dozens of other things that cause PEM.  Maybe, you didn't sleep long enough.  Maybe, 

you cannot pinpoint a reason.

What can you do to overcome the depression that occurs when PEM strikes again?  Let the feelings out.  It's OK to feel the feelings:  they are real.  Talk to a friend or family member.  Paint or draw a picture.  Write a poem.  Feeling the disappointment is not negative self-talk, but it is a normal reaction to abnormal health.  If there is nothing you have wanted to lose yourself in, it is alright to nap during the day.  Maybe, there is an easy craft project you have been wanting to do for a long time--but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.  Let this day be yours to do what you need to do to rest and to clear your fogged brain.  

No one can tell you what that is, except yourself.  That's what I did -again- for the umpteenth dozenth time in my life.  And guess  

what!  After I figured out why I felt the way I felt, the guilt went away by applying positive actions to my day;

 which were as follows:  

a nap, dressed and put on light makeup, made the bed, wrote a poem and drew a picture to go with it, mod-podged a top to a jar, and read a book.  Basically, I read and did things I enjoyed.  The poem and picture were my "art therapy."  

Disclaimer:  I am not a medical professional.  My writing is based on my own experiences and what I have learned over the years through counseling and reading. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or have a medical question, you should consult your medical professional.

False Rules of Perfectionism

Today, I have a date with my husband,
so I have to save energy.
 It is important to balance your energy,even when following
 a daily routine.  Sometimes, something may have to wait until tomorrow.

Have you been following FlyLady's 31 Beginner Babysteps?  I have been following them, but not perfectly;  which is all right, because one of the things that bogs some flybabies down is being a perfectionist.  You would think that a perfectionist is someone who cannot rest until his goals are attained;  however, this is not always true.  Always attaining to perfectionism can be quite stressful for people, because they can become frustrated at not being able to attain to their ideal. 

One of the things that has been healing for me is letting go of my ideas of what is perfect.  I am not saying one should not do their best or do things well, but seldom does anyone attain to perfection.  An example of this would be that I can no longer clean house in one day.  I use to love walking through my mopped, dusted, and vacuumed house.  The bathrooms were clean.  The beds were made with clean sheets, and most of the laundry was done.  I might have had a full, cluttered basement, but all the living spaces shown.  I think I can have that again, but not in one day.

What happens to some perfectionists, especially those with limited energy, is they cannot attain to their perceived goal, so they give up.  They give up until they have to have company or they are in the mood to clean.  Then, they wear themselves out again.  That is a cycle that will not work for me.  Therefore, I am glad I have found out what works for me with having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Today, I worked on my Control Journal.   I decided to type my Daily Routines on my computer and I even did it in pretty colors.  I have alternated colors for each task to make them easier to read.  When my brain is feeling foggy, I need to have my directions clear and easy to read -- then I can focus better.  Also, I have not added any routines other than taking my medication and supplements, even though FlyLady mentions the afternoon routine and making it fit you.  When I read about adding afternoon routines, I started having a panic attack and I knew I needed to stick to the basic routines for now -- morning and evening.  It would be different if I had children in school or I was homeschooling, but I am past that in my life.  Also, I still like to make a to-do list of specific things I need to get done--usually, not more than 6-8.  I have a small notebook I use.  Each day, I date a page and as I accomplish my tasks I cross them off, especially when I play FlyLady Bingo.  These are very specific tasks like put laundry in the washer or start supper.  I write down getting dressed, if for some reason I don't get dressed until the afternoon.  Every activity counts, even playing with the dog.  I know if I put too many things on my basic list, I will immediately feel like I am on overload.

I hope you have been finding the FlyLady series helpful.  I appreciate Marla Cilley's candid notes she writes, especially when she admits that she still doesn't always get it perfect.  And she has had a lot of practice.  She does walk the walk:  and I appreciate the fact she has helped so many people.  In fact, if it wasn't for FlyLady, I would still think I was one of the few people in the world that struggle to do a perfect daily routine.  What a relief it is not to have to live up to being perfect anymore, and have a reasonably neat house!  I like that.

For now, this is my Daily Routine List.  Eventually, I may add walking the dog or throw in a load of laundry.  However, right now, this is what I need to see. I am going to put it in a clear plastic sleeve in my control journal.  I put it on one page, because I don't want to have to turn to another page every day, just to see my routines.

Daily Routines

Morning Routine

Make Your Bed

Take Levothyroxine

Dress to the Shoes, Hair, and Makeup or Moisturizer & Blush

Read Your Posted Reminders

Fix and Eat Breakfast

Take Medication and Supplements

FlyLady Email

Put out Hot Spots for 2 minutes

Spend 15 minutes decluttering each day.  You can’t organize clutter.

Before-Bed Routine

Keep your sink shining

Lay out your clothes for tomorrow

Get ready for bed

Put out your Hot Spot.  It will make you happy in the morning!

Drink some Chamomile Tea

Read or Do something relaxing.

Go to bed at your bedtime.