Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fixing Life Again

Have you ever tried to fix life?  Have you found out you cannot do it -- that you can only pray about things?  Or that you can let those things ruin every day?  Have you discovered you have to decide which to choose?  Do you ever feel confused and wonder if you should take a road you have never thought the right one?

Words Do Hurt
All I can say is that I have found myself turning myself inside out trying to please others.  Pleasing people I love is something I like to do, but when I try to explain myself or protect myself or be myself around some of these people, I get words thrown at me like darts.  I don't know if these people know what they do.  I think they still think I am well or better, when I push myself past my physical and emotional limits.  Then, they get mad when I crash.   Or they think I have gone mental, when what has happened is I have nothing left in me physically to do the every-day, normal things.  I have to go to bed all day sometimes.  Wednesday, I slept most of the day.  

Then, here come the questions:  are you sick?  how do you feel?  Hmm.... let's see...I was so tired, I wet the bed last night...nah let's not mention that one.  Am I sick?  Well, what do you think?  Could the fact I have a cane that I have to use sometimes be a clue?  Have I said a miracle happened -- I'm cured of the illness I have had for the last 15 to 20 years?  Could the fact I have not gone to the grocery store or cooked for two days be a clue?  Could the fact that I no longer pretend to be Mrs. Perfect to visiting relatives be a clue?

Could someone tell me when enough is enough?  Why am I the one that is supposed to always be nice, compliant, sweet, uncomplaining and patient?  Why do I have to listen to someone else complain?  But I cannot get mad because I might lose my husband -- not his words by the way -- someone else's. My husband is mature and loving:  he is human:  and he is mature and loving.  I will not let someone else's fears become mine, nor her insecurities.    

The point is that many people with chronic illness go through similar
mental /emotional abuse through the holidays or at other times.  I try to turn the cheek, keep my mouth shut, and wait for the offender to go home.  Some of you live with that person all the time.  Some of them do it on purpose and some are clueless people who never consider how words and tones of voice can hurt.  My question is how much is too much?  Will that person or persons even understand?  For some of us, we know some of the offenders are not capable of understanding.  I hate to leave this open-ended, but I am still figuring out what my solution is.  

The reason I had not written for the last few days was that I thought 2013 was going to start out so differently than it has.  I didn't want to be sad or write something sad.  But I promised you honesty, because we all have situations to deal with at different times in our lives.  I'm sorry if I rambled.
I am in healing mode right now -- Again.

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It's always lovely hearing from you. xoxo, Deborah