I am writing this to tell you what I have been feeling. My motivation has gone somewhere with my inspiration, and I cannot find them. Maybe, they are hiding under the bed with the dust bunnies. This has nothing to do with how you should feel or what you should do. You should listen to your body and do what is best for your body. By the way, even when I was healthier than now, I sometimes had to hunt for motivation to do things I was perfectly able to do; therefore, it isn't the first time I have been here. I just don't like it when I am, and I felt like writing about it might be a step in finding those two little gems that are hiding from me.
All week, I have been hunting for My Inspiration. I'm hunting for my inspiration to do all those things I really don't want to do now. They are all shoulds, and I know there will come a point that I need to see them as want to's, but I have not been able to do that. I am so stuck. And, I hate being stuck!
Avoiding God's word on the subject hasn't helped much either, because I know what the Bible tells me about being a homemaker and a woman. In Proverbs 31, it basically tells me there are ways I can bless my husband that I am not doing. For instance, I could care less this week about showering and dressing myself in purple. Basically, that means I have stringy hair and I don't want to get out of my nightgown. Only, I know I should want to get out of my nightgown. When my husband says, "Oh -- you got dressed.", like it is an Event, that should tell me something.
The other thing that has been going on is I actually thought about going on a diet this week, which is a huge mistake on top of everything else. Why do I want to throw myself back into that emotional spinner again? You would not believe what the actual contemplation of doing that added to my pile of too much thinking - not enough doing debris. At least, I got that worked out. When I do the hunger-fullness scale thing and listen to my body, I eat sensibly. In fact, for over a year, I haven't even needed the hunger scale. Eating moderately had become the norm for me. Sometimes, I even have to remind myself to eat.
When I start thinking about dieting, I want to eat for no reason other than eating. Something turns on in my brain that is almost uncontrollable; moreover, I feel discombobulated. It's horrible. It's probably a backwash from years of yo-yo dieting. The good thing is I am not going to start a moderate eating group, join a group, or buy any new diet books. I did look at all those possibilities. Actually, I don't think there is anything new: dieting is an industry for making money. And do not try to sell me your diet that worked or your pills -- Puhleasssse! I do not want to hear it or think it. It makes my heart hurt and turns my brain into distressed emotional mush. I do not need it.
Now, I think I will read some of my own blog advice on getting motivated to clean. Also, I am seriously thinking the April Habit of the Month should be getting dressed; or, at least wear pajamas that look like clothes. (Yes, I am smiling, but serious too.)