Oh Where Oh Where Has My Inspiration Gone?

Chaos

I am writing this to tell you what I have been feeling.  My motivation has gone somewhere with my inspiration, and I cannot find them.  Maybe, they are hiding under the bed with the dust bunnies.  This has nothing to do with how you should feel or what you should do.   You should listen to your body and do what is best for your body.  By the way, even when I was healthier than now, I sometimes had to hunt for motivation to do things I was perfectly able to do;  therefore, it isn't the first time I have been here.  I just don't like it when I am, and I felt like writing about it might be a step in finding those two little gems that are hiding from me. 

All week,  I have been hunting for My Inspiration.  I'm hunting for my inspiration to do all those things I really don't want to do now.  They are all shoulds, and I know there will come a point that I need to see them as want to's, but I have not been able to do that.  I am so stuck.  And, I hate being stuck!

Avoiding God's word on the subject hasn't helped much either, because I know what the Bible tells me about being a homemaker and a woman.  In Proverbs 31, it basically tells me there are ways I can bless my husband that I am not doing.  For instance, I could care less this week about showering and dressing myself in purple. Basically, that means I have stringy hair and I don't want to get out of my nightgown.  Only, I know I should want to get out of my nightgown.  When my husband says, "Oh -- you got dressed.", like it is an Event, that should tell me something.

The other thing that has been going on is I actually thought about going on a diet this week, which is a huge mistake on top of everything else.  Why do I want to throw myself back into that emotional spinner again?  You would not believe what the actual contemplation of doing that added to my pile of too much thinking - not enough doing debris.  At least, I got that worked out.  When I do the hunger-fullness scale thing and listen to my body, I eat sensibly.  In fact, for over a year, I haven't even needed the hunger scale.  Eating moderately had become the norm for me.  Sometimes, I even have to remind myself to eat.

When I start thinking about dieting, I want to eat for no reason other than eating.  Something turns on in my brain that is almost uncontrollable;  moreover, I feel discombobulated.  It's horrible.  It's probably a backwash from years of yo-yo dieting.  The good thing is I am not going to start a moderate eating group, join a group, or buy any new diet books.  I did look at all those possibilities.  Actually, I don't think there is anything new:  dieting is an industry for making money.  And do not try to sell me your diet that worked or your pills -- Puhleasssse!  I do not want to hear it or think it.  It makes my heart hurt and turns my brain into distressed emotional mush.  I do not need it.

Now, I think I will read some of my own blog advice on getting motivated to clean.  Also, I am seriously thinking the April Habit of the Month should be getting dressed;  or, at least wear pajamas that look like clothes. (Yes, I am smiling, but serious too.)

Finding Your Motivators

What are your reasons for getting rid of the clutter in your house?  If you identify your motivators, perhaps, it will help you find your best reasons for not giving in to the clutter-bug.  Latch on to the reasons that are healthy and reasonable.  Let go of the reasons that push you over the edge, and make you want to rebel.

Taking Time to Smell the Roses

I know it is hard to keep going every day.  This morning, I was getting dressed, and I felt as if the energy was dribbling out of me.  But, I also know I am not in the middle of a relapse or flare, so I am taking small steps -- like getting dressed.  So far, I have made myself breakfast, dressed, brushed my teeth, put this morning's dishes in the dishwasher,as well as reading and answering some comments on Facebook.  And, I even read my Bible, although I have to admit to not enjoying reading about how some of the kings in the Old Testament worshiped idols and led their families down the wrong road.  And, I took the dog for a short walk and smell the outdoors time:  my hubby is out of town.

Alright, back to to what motivates.  We are looking at three areas of motivation.  You may want to identify your reasons before looking at mine.  You may have different reasons than I do,  and you might want to consider your thoughts before seeing mine.  After all this is personal.  In fact, I am doing this exercise as I write, and I will voice my real reasons.

1. Identify your personal reasons for wanting a clean house.
2. Identify your public reasons for wanting a clean house.  This could include relational issues.
3. Identify the reasons or things that will actually help you keep the house cleaner with less output of energy.

Just a word of encouragement -- don't agonize over what you think are the "Right" reasons.  
Just jot it down; and come back to it later, before you start getting too analytical.  If you have a therapist, you might consider sharing this with her, especially if you come up with some things that touch on areas that bother you.

My Personal reasons for wanting a clean house:

This is one of my granddaughters
 and my husband at our former house.

• I don't like living in a mess.
• I want my house to look like a welcoming home for my husband and myself.
• I want to use a clean bathroom.
• I want to use a clean kitchen.
• It is easier to find things in a clean house. 
• When I say clean, I am not speaking perfection but reasonable cleanliness, where having to move reams of clutter and things that are out of place is not necessary to dust  or wipe off a counter.
• It is easier to do chores in a clean house. 
• I know I can't do all the things in one day, that a Proverbs 31 Woman does;  but, I still aspire to do what I can.
• It makes me feel better about myself -- no guilt!
• I want to enjoy my family, not justifying why I haven't gotten something cleaned.  I want to be comfortable in my own house--I am used to the idea I don't have to make it perfect.
• I want to keep working on improving, even though I am ill.

My Public Reasons for Wanting a Clean House:                               

• When we have company or family coming, I don't want to have to do rush clean up jobs.
• I want to have time and energy to cook something special when family and friends visit, but I can still make meals over several days time easy.
• I am always exhausted when we have visitors, because I worked so hard to catch up.  I end up doing too much, and it usually takes days for me to recover.
• Last time my daughter and her family visited, I was too fatigued to go outside with them.
• I want my friends and family to understand I am really ill, but I don't want them to think I live in a mess all the time (so I guess I do still care what people think to a degree). 
• I would like to be able to invite people over on the days I feel well.
• I don't want to be embarrassed if somebody drops by to visit. 

Things That Will Help Me Keep the House Cleaner with Less Output of Energy:

• The more clutter I get rid of the easier it will be to take care of new clutter that comes in.
• I do not want to keep things out of guilt or just because I love someone.  I can admire it for a time:  it does not mean I have to keep it forever.
• Once in a while during weeks I am flaring or relapsing, I might feel comfortable in having someone in to mop, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, dust and vacuum if my house stays picked up.  I cannot afford to do this on a regular basis, but I have already talked to someone who would do it.  This would be a huge help those times my husband is on a mission trip, singing and playing at concerts.

Later, I will come back and look at my reasons.  I will keep those that I think are reasonable, and I will see if I need to readjust my thinking about anything.  For now, I am going to do some of the other things I want to do.  I need to get away from my list for a while, and you probably do too.