Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Relapse

Raindrop on Wisteria Vine

Hello my dear friends and readers.
 It's terrible that I just had the thought,
 "Lord, why don't you just take me
now?  I am so tired of being sick."  The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has taken over it seems.  I am hoping it is just a relapse, and I will get better.

Have you ever felt like that?

Sometimes, it feels like I have been sick forever, and I want to tell myself to snap out of it;  but the body doesn't cooperate.  Just in case you are having a relapse, I am going list my symptoms;  because I know how it feels to be alone even when you have a loving friend or spouse.  But how can they really understand, when you yourself doesn't understand why you have to feel like this?

My Doggy Comforter

By the way, for anyone that thinks these symptoms are psychological--that does not make sense.  I have so many things I want to do, and I am struggling to do the basic things in life right now.

My dad used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  This has made me stronger spiritually.  You see, the Enemy would like us to give up the fight, but my God is a god of hope and grace.  I may be going through a difficult time, but absolutely nothing can separate me from Him.


However, my body feels weak now.  And I have moved from not being able to sleep to falling asleep in the daytime.  Here's a list of symptoms -- I may forget something.

• sore throat
• swollen lymph nodes or gland in my throat area
• joint and muscle pain
• brain fog
• dreadful fatigue
• restless legs syndrome, but not all day
• sinus problems
• neck pain
• shoulder pain
• back pain, especially lower back
• weight gain
• low body temperature
• heat and cold intolerance
• tinnitus
• anxiety, but not all the time
• hypersensitivity to sound, more than usual, but not every moment of day
• memory problems (short-term)
• dry skin
• light-headiness
• weakness
• blurry eye (but not all the time)

Thank goodness, I don't have every one of these symptoms every moment of the day, or I think I would go mad.  And I didn't add dry mouth, which doesn't help at night when you have to get up to go to the bathroom more.  I would not be surprised if I forgot something.

Anyway, I think it is time to focus on taking care of myself better and a little less on blogging and facebook pages.  I am going to be around, but I need to see if I can head this thing off and get back on track.

As far as stress being a factor, I have to admit to feeling a certain duty to tending the blogs and the pages.  However, I think I am going to give myself a break.  If I am feeling pressure about it, then that is not good.  One of the things my doctor before I moved told me was I should not work, because of stress.  But even though I am my own boss and not paid for writing, the A part of my personality has been pushing me.

There is a part of me that says, "You cannot let them down."  But if I don't take care of myself, I will not be here for you.  It is a conundrum.  So, I will vacation a bit from writing as often, or feeling like I have to.  This is part of balancing my life changes.

I know you understand, and if you are a subscriber you know when I write.  Also, I always post announcements various places.  I will see you later.  God bless and take care.
                                                                                                          Love, Deborah

Who Is the Real Me? Please stand up.

Many years ago, there was a show on television called "What's My Line?"  I bet most baby boomers remember it.  The celebrity panel had to ask questions of three contestants and figure out who the real scientist studying the life cycle of beetles was, or which boy had a record contract.

As far as I know, I have no panel here, but I have been sick so long that sometimes I feel like asking, "Who is the real me?".  Sometimes, I wonder how much of my staying home has become agoraphobia and how much is the fatigue that goes with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Me.  Have you ever felt that way?  Do you feel like being sick has affected you psychologically, or you wonder if it has.  It is hard enough to have physical problems, but to have to fight the psychological affects seems altogether unfair.

I would like to share a comment I made on Holley Gerth's blog post, Your door Is going to open.  

First of all, Holley, I absolutely love that red door. I have been thinking about colorful doors: I may have to add that to my list of want-to-do’s-someday. Secondly, I needed that, and I am absolutely afraid to ask for help from people at church. I’m the minister’s (of music and senior adults) wife, and it is very embarrassing to me I have been a shut-in for several years. I make it to church when I can, but the people here don’t know the real me, the outgoing me, the one that wants to be out and about in church and around our community. There I said it. Sometimes, I think if I had a husband that didn’t have to leave early, I would find it easier to get to church, but is is exhausting. Sometimes, I feel so very alone. I miss having girlfriends to do things with and stuff like that. I miss entertaining and bringing people home for meals. I feel so stuck in this area, but I am hoping that will change.

I don't know how many of you feel like there are portions of life passing you by.  I am definitely in favor of living life to the fullest you are able.  However, if you have been sick for a long time and you have experienced many flare-ups and a lot of total exhaustion, it changes your life.  I don't think other people realize how lonely we can get for human contact, especially if we were outgoing people before we got sick.

The plain truth is that having chronic fatigue changes your life in ways we could never have truly imagined before we were sick.  I hope somebody reads this that is in your life, that does not understand;  because, it is so very hard.
Today, I close with tears in my eyes that our lives have been changed so dramatically.  We are blessed to have the support we have online.  Some of us have become friends with strangers from other cities, other states, and other countries.  We do know people that understand, because they have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME, Lupus, MS, POTS, or the various other diseases that suck away our energy.  

Gentle Hugs to all of you.  I understand.

Deborah

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