Hospitality Starts in the Heart, Not the State of Your Home -- part 2

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When did hospitality become a struggle for me?  I have asked this question more then once.  Did it start when I began withdrawing from being with people because I was depressed?  Or, was it because of the lack of energy I was experiencing, which made entertaining and cleaning my house more and more difficult?

I think the first place I would answer this is looking back on why I was depressed.  At first, I was sure it was because of unresolved grief and other issues.  However, when I consider the past, I realize I can see a gradual breakdown in my health, which had nothing to do with grief.  Stress may have been a factor, but I am now convinced I had some hormone issues before I found a doctor that looked deeper at what was happening to my body.  And yet, that did not keep me from hospitality in the early stages of immune issues in my body.

The reason I mention these things is I think considering why one changes from having friends and family over on a fairly regular basis to almost never having someone over needs to be addressed.  If you were a person who often spent time with other people or having people into your home,  your personality probably did not change over night.  In fact, the desire is probably still there -- just not the energy to prepare.  Can you identify with this?

In my blog, we have looked at how to get the clutter out of our houses, so we can make cleaning simpler.  However, we have not really discussed  that we are possibly still dealing with not inviting people over, because we are embarrassed our houses are not perfect.  

Or, maybe it is too overwhelming for you to consider having someone over, because you think you have to decorate or prepare fantastic food.   Or, perhaps you are afraid of the energy you know will leave you as you become overwhelmed with sight, sound, and interacting with other people.  Whatever it is that prevents you from connecting with other human beings in person, you need to look at this.  Then, start thinking of ways you can manage when being around other people.  Also, don't be afraid of the energy you will lose.
When one deals with FM, CFS, and other chronic illnesses, it is a fact of life.  If you don't lose energy one way, you are going to lose it another -- whether you invite someone to your home or not.  

The Bible talks about hospitality many times.  We are told not to neglect showing it to strangers, because we may be entertaining angels.  Also, if we follow the model of Jesus, our Savior, he often spent time in the homes of others.  He enjoyed being with people.  Moreover, this would not have been possible without hosts and hostesses with open hearts and homes.

There is a story of Jesus being in the home of Mary and Martha.  Martha was very busy serving.  Finally, she became aggravated with her sister and asked Jesus to tell Mary to help.  Mary was sitting with the Savior listening to him teach.  Jesus actually told Martha that Mary had chosen the best;  so, it sounds to me like he was less concerned with what he was going to eat,  and he was more concerned that Martha heard what he had to say.  Wouldn't you have loved to be in that room listening to what he had to say?  (Luke 10:38-42)

If you would like to see more Bible verses about hospitality, click here:
What does the Bible say about hospitality? 

On a personal note, I am so happy I said yes to my niece visiting this past weekend.  Yes, I was very tired on Monday, but my heart was full to the brim with satisfaction and happiness.  She didn't care my house was not perfect.  It was even messy in a couple of places:  it certainly did not look like a magazine layout.  But, who cares?  Probably most people don't care:  they just want to spend time with family and friends.

Who cares about the oven?
My house is reasonably clean.
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Incidentally, I will tell you a secret.  When I was healthy I would wear myself out cleaning and cooking too.  That's probably why Thanksgiving dinner always tasted better the second day.  Kind of hard to enjoy eating when all you want to do is rest.  I am also remembering when I did not have a self-cleaning oven.  I would spray it with that awful smelling, caustic spray;  and, I would lay newspapers all over the floor.  The gloves went on, and I cleaned it out.  Why died I always do this before our parents came for a long visit?  Like they really cared if I cleaned my oven.  Does any of this sound familiar? 

Remember to go for reasonably clean, not perfect.  And, let other people help you with the work.  They will appreciate the opportunity and feel more at home.

Hospitality Starts in the Heart, Not the State of Your Home -- part 1

Hi guys!   This is not the suggested "professional" or even literary introduction with which one starts off an article, but I am one of you who struggles with chronic fatigue and occasionally gets one of those uncomfortable comments.  You know the comments:  "you think about your illness too much.  You are preoccupied.  Well, if you had a recording of what you said...blah, blah, blah, blah."   The point is that we are usually trying to explain why we cannot do something, or why we will have to rest because of post-exertional malaise.

Earlier in the week, I was exhausted because I was not sleeping.  I am talking about 5 hours of sleep in 2 days;  and, I can't remember what I got before that.  Those nights or mornings were not fun  However, I did what I could early in the week without making myself fall into a relapse:  I wrote, did small jobs around the house, and I shined my sink in the kitchen every day.  I even did some cooking that made enough for more than one meal.

However, I still knew I didn't have it all together.  As I lost sleep, I became increasingly fatigued and anxious, which tends to be a self-defeating cycle.  Therefore, I also did plenty of sitting in my recliner or lying down.  I had to rest, even though I couldn't sleep.  

Then, I got the phone call from my dear niece, who was coming to visit for the weekend.  This is the one thing that usually pulls out the perfectionist in me, and it tells me that I had better start pushing hard, doing things I do not get to every week, like I used to in the good old days -- things like mopping all the hard floors and vacuuming at least once a week.

Still,  my house looked cluttered and messy.  I still had one mantel that had a Christmas arrangement on it;  and, there were two big boxes sitting in the guest bedroom.  My living room was a disaster area around my chair, as well as in the corners.   What was I to do?

I'll tell you what I decided not to do:  I was not going to clean until I was ill.  I wanted to enjoy my niece's visit.  A better looking home was good enough, as well as having a clean guest bedroom, a clean bathroom; a picked up and dusted living room; and a clean kitchen.    

After all, my niece was coming to visit me -- not my house.
 ( She said to tell you those were her words when we spoke on the telephone.)

The amazing thing is I slept Friday night, and I did not drag out of bed Saturday morning  with more cleaning plans in mind.  That's because I told my husband what I was not going to do this time.  I told him I was only doing what I could do -- no vacuuming, no perfectly straight and dusted house.  I would get to the germiest things -- like bathrooms.  Also, I would dust what I could, as well as picking up as much as I was able without using all my spoons.  Lucky me, my husband did vacuum  (his idea).

These are the rooms in the house I have not straightened or dusted:

• dining room 
• the breakfast area

Actually, the breakfast area is usable, just not it's best.  It has some things out of place, but I'm not anxious.  Also, I decided we are eating out for supper.  I don't have energy to visit and cook.  Some people would say, "Oh yes, that's what I would do."  However, this is out of character for me.  I have always thought it was my duty to make a home cooked meal.   I am so very astonished.  And Sunday lunch will be sandwiches or pizza -- definitely different for me.

Image from Holley Gerth

I have to share the article with you that turned off my anxious button.  But first, I want you to know that in my mind, I knew most of the above;  however, the adrenaline in my body did not know it was supposed to be at rest.  That old fight and flight syndrome just automatically kicked in.  I don't know if the FFS was the cause of my sleep deficit or if the sleep deficit helped turn on the FFS.  Let me add, I did finally take some medication to help me relax.  But, I also read a blog post by Holley Gerth that made my day on Friday.  She said, "Hospitality is just opening your home the same way you open your heart."  Here is the post:  Hospitality Starts with Your Heart.

I am thankful I'm getting to the point that I can let go those things that need to rest.  This is likely a result of having used several techniques I've talked about over the last year.

1. Using a timer to do jobs or portions of jobs, setting it for 5 to 15 minutes.
2. Resting in between jobs.
3. Putting things away when I get them out.
4. Carrying items to the room they belong in as I leave a room has become a habit.
5. Looking at a room, starting in one corner and progressively cleaning as I move around the perimeter of the room helped, because I was centering on specific rooms.
6. Working in increments of 3's on a regular basis has made house work less overwhelming.
7. Realizing my limitations, and going for a reasonably clean house -- not a perfect house.

These are just a few of the things that have made significant  changes in the upkeep of my home, as well as increasing my confidence that I can again have a reasonably clean home on a regular basis.  I can get the work done, despite my disabilities.

And, I think you can too!

God bless you,

Deborah Bolton