Saturday, September 14, 2013

A Saturday Meltdown

Unfinished Life, D. Bolton


A writer is usually not supposed to start a piece with I;  
however, one sometimes can only begin with I."
I
have 
more than
one chronic illness.
One of these is spondylitis.
Since I felt pretty good today, 
I thought I would take the dog outside
and get some sun.  I would say hello to my husband,
and I would even cut a few overgrown bean and tomato vines.
                                                            I managed to step in a hole hidden by the grass, and I
                                                            knew my knee would pay later;  however, in a few minutes,
                                                            I could feel my lower back breaking in half -- at least, that is what
                                                            it felt like -- excruciating pain!  In misery and tears, I climbed the 
                                                            stairs going into the house, hot rail burning my hand.  I had to hold 
                                                            it or I could not climb.  I was mad the rail was black and hot,
                                                            that my back hurt again.  Every step felt like agony.


Mini-meltdown time.
Tears and why me time.

Am I allowed to feel this is unfair, 
because there is so much more I want to do?
I get tired of sitting in my chair, old before my time.
It has been too long, and how can I expect others to understand
when it is so hard for me?  My body does not cooperate with my mind and spirit.
"I'm supposed to be active," I say.  But, the most active parts of me sometimes seem to be
My heart, my mind, my spirit, and my fingers typing away on this keyboard, flying and pecking away
through tingling, numbness, and swelling.  

Thank you God, for heart, mind, spirit, soul, fingers, eyes, and every part of me that works -- even those parts that don't work so well.  You have reminded me,  I can be free and new every day, with hope in my heart, because you, dear Father God, are here with me.  

So, tears aside, I have the best.  I have Joy!  Joy!  Joy!  
And I have hope, because I know I have what is most important in my life:

I have a Savior, Jesus:  I have love. 


Therefore, she quickly broke away from the self-pity, and  she remembered she had purpose still.  What good would it bring to imagine life differently?  This is the life she had.  It was a good one, despite all she had suffered.  If she had never experienced life's pains and victory, she would never have had the richness of finding herself.  

~Deborah Bolton~
                                          

3 comments:

  1. Yes, Debby, you are allowed to feel and express your pain, especially as you do not leave us hanging there.
    Rather, you share with honest questioning that leads you back to thankfulness. Even 'in this' you choose to rejoice and be glad in God our Saviour.
    And that's a beautiful thing, my friend, to end with praise and draw us back to the Father's loving heart as we learn to live with mystery and challenge.
    Thank you! Blessings and love Xx <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a blessing to us all. Even though you go through the suffering you do, you can still praise God with all your heart.

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  3. Joy and Sherrie, thank you for reminding me it's alright to say how I feel. Both of you are very special to me.
    Love and Blessings to you both,
    Debby ooxx

    ReplyDelete

It's always lovely hearing from you. xoxo, Deborah