Monday, October 22, 2012

Elusive, Desired -- Sleep!

This is rest.  We thought he had come inside to use the
bathroom, but my grandson had climbed into the bed --
wet bathing suit and all and fallen asleep.
Sleep
is elusive
is manna to a sleep-starved brain
is desired
is needed
and 
it finally comes in the form of a pill or herbs
that leave me fogged
in the afternoon
because I slept through
the light of morning.
        ~Deborah Bolton~

After I wobbled out of bed, using my cane for stability, I made my way to my recliner, and I thought that Flylady must be a springer, meaning she must be awake and ready to go in the morning.  Now, I don't know this to be true.  At 1:15 p.m.  I only knew there was no way I could make my bed right after I got up, because I would have fallen over -- back into the bed or onto the floor.

Disordered sleep is one of the symptoms of FM and CFIDS that I abhor.  How can a body that is desperate for rest, that has had 2 hours sleep in 38 hours resist going to sleep?  It seems like a cruel joke in the life of those of us who have this symptom of FM and CFS.  

Yet, I have experienced the difficulty of falling asleep more times than I can count.  I have experienced it when I 
  • ached all over and the exhaustion felt overpowering.
  • was excited that I was going to travel the next day.
  • was anticipating my doctor's appointment the next morning.
  • had worked too hard preparing the house for a party or visitors.
  • had been to a party or dinner with several people or many people.
  • had been shopping for several hours.
  • had sung in a concert or musical at my church
It's a conundrum I haven't solved, but I suspect it has something to do with the flight and fight syndrome.  Once I get that that adrenaline rush, whether it is called for or not, my body has a hard time relaxing enough to sleep. 

Therefore, I have learned to go with the flow, at least most of the time.  And my husband tries to understand how hard it is for me, even though he is almost asleep before his head hits the pillow.  It makes a normal daily schedule illusive, and it does not work well with the morning schedules of most institutions.  

This problem with sleep has become more pronounced as I age, and I am thankful I was able to function on less sleep when my children were young.  Now, I do not function well unless I get my full eight to ten hours of sleep.  Maybe, my body is trying to make up for what it lost -- ha!  I know it 
can't, because even when I am at am at my best, it is less than the norm.

I know there are many young woman with fibromyalgia and/or CFS/ME.  Sometimes, I wonder how you make it through your busy days;  and then, I remember how hard I worked when my children were at home.  I worked and I played with the enthusiasm of a wife in love, and a mother that wanted the best for my children.  I knew the best was having a mother that spent time with them and made the love in her heart show through her actions.  I would not have had it any other way.  I am so thankful that even though the aches and pains were there, I was able to be active.

Sometimes, I feel like my body has grown old before its time;  yet, my mind feels like it is in my twenties, only wiser.  I would love to do the things I used to, but it doesn't take long for me to know I would be miserable if I continued.  This morning I dreamed I was invited to ride in a boat on a lake and I could have water skiied as well.  But, even in my dreams, I had to say no, because I knew I would be out of action for a long time afterwards.  Yet, in reality, I remember when I didn't ever get sore from water skiing, even if I hadn't done it for a long time.  However, about 25 years ago, I discovered the agony of skiing with aches and pains that lasted for days.

I suppose I better get myself amovin'.  I have been trying to feel fully alert without heavy eyes for about 2 1/2 hours.  At least the wobbles are gone.  While I was sitting here, I had a movie on called Funny Valentines  (link below).  The last line in the movie is one I have to share with you today:  There is nothing more precious than giving a person a piece or your heart.

From me to you, each time I share, I give you a piece of my heart.  Don't worry:  there is plenty there, for it is filled with the love of the Lord Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit.  He gives me an unending supply of love, for which I am grateful.


I looked for the DVD or video of this movie, and I could not find one.  On IMBD, someone had asked about that, and the answer was that this movie was made for television, so there is no DVD.  Boohoo.  However, I found the book and I have fallen in love with a writer I didn't know about.  Her name is J. California Cooper  and she wrote Homemade Love, which is a collection of short stories.  And I found Funny Valentines.

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It's always lovely hearing from you. xoxo, Deborah